Saturday, December 07, 2002

I got my results back with regards to the presentation I had two weeks ago. It wasn't too bad - I was ranked joint third (according to the strange ranking system we have - technically, I should be joint fifth out of 12). The only criticism I had was that I should show more enthusiasm. That is the part that's been bugging me a litte, since how on earth does one show enthusiasm in a professional presentation? Smile a lot? It just goes again my whole idea of how professionalism should be like.

Brief recap of this week: it just feels like I've been constantly struggling to meet all my career goals. There's a part of me that definitely wants to be the best - and quite frankly, why not? After all, look at what I've accomplished. I've been through the best schools here, and it's been proven time and again that my verbal and numerical abilities are among the best there is. I have been thoroughly involved in extracurricular activities and yet at the same time, managed to scrape out - to others, above average grades - to me, just about decent grades. I've, compared to my peers here at home, experienced quite a lot in life, but at the same time, I'm curiously dissatisfied. My wanderlust hasn't been completely satiated, nor has my passion for dancing and just living.

I've spent the last four-and-a-half months adjusting to working life and being home, and yet... I can't, for the life of me, envision my future being where I currently am. I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life in my small home where the only passion we seem to have is to be better than everyone else. We don't have that certain je ne sais quoi; and it seems that the moment you enter my country, you slowly start to lose your joie de vivre. And more than anything else in this world, that is something that I don't want happening to me.

For some reason, it feels as though I should have some idea as to what I'm doing, or what I intend to do later on in life. And still, as time passes, nothing becomes clear. If anything, I just get more and more confused and increasingly frustrated at my lack of knowledge about what path in my life I intend to tread. Despite the fact that I'm earning a decent salary, it feels a little like I'm just scraping by. The fact that I'll have to save for 15 years to afford a decent car and ten times that to buy property is like this crushing weight around my neck sometimes. I'm not materialistic, but I believe almost everyone has their own dream of owning a car and a nice house and all that. But this place is strangely expensive - not as expensive as London - but in terms of salary, savings and spending, I might as well be living as a student back in London. Then, you didn't have responsibilities such as bills and other crap like that.

Grrrrf. I'm just so annoyed with how my life has turned out. No, that's wrong. I'm not annoyed with how life has turned out. I'm just irritated at not having any options, any control over my life anymore. I guess a psychologist would diagnose me as experiencing a typical case of quarterlife crisis.

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