Tuesday, May 06, 2003

What is it about me that whenever anyone says anything nice or good about me that I automatically dismiss it? I've been told that I'm smart and intelligent and capable of better - by many many people my entire life. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really down, that's all I cling to - the fact that so many people have told me that before so there must be something in me that I'm simply not seeing, but at least it's there, and it's real. Lately, I haven't been feeling at all smart. Rather, I'm feeling unmotivated and just want to get a nice long rest somewhere in New York, just chilling and watching concerts and musicals and taking in the great world of American shopping. Of course, that's just not possible right now. Either I wait for six months before that becomes possible - although I don't know if I can hold out for that long - or I just drop everything I'm doing and indulge in what I've been wanting to do for such a long time - visit the US, most especially New York City, New Orleans, Chicago and San Francisco.

Why am I so bitter right now? Well, I just got my training results back and they weren't good. More importantly, my training programme cohort was whittled by one. Not me, thankfully, but scary and demoralising nonetheless.

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