Wednesday, July 23, 2003

You know how some times your life's just going on as it usually does, and you've come to a decision - not a life changing one, but just a decision - like how you've decided that you're not going to give into temptation and sack out on the couch after work anymore, and then all of a sudden, you find out there's a CSI marathon the next day and you simply have to watch it? (I'm using an analogy, by the way, it's just better to articulate my thoughts.) There are times when it feels like my life is a series of moments in which someone is watching and just mocking me by taunting me right after I've made decisions - like how there are times when there are say, no guys in my life whatsoever, and then, in the next instant (or two months later), there's more than one guy that you like - and you need to make a decision quickly!

Hey P. You probably won't be reading this. You're probably having a fantastic time on the beaches of Greece or Italy right now. I just wanted to say - you were right about me. I am mature - maybe even overly mature, if there's such a thing - for my age in a fair number of ways except in the field of love and intimacy - physical and otherwise. And perhaps, because of that, I'm scared of it. I'm scared to be attached in my own country, not sure of what it is I want in a relationship, or how far I'd go. Or maybe it's the other way round. Because of my inexperience, I'm scared - as to what's expected of me and how I should be behaving. One feeds into the other, quite obviously. I don't want to be committed to anything right now at my age and at this stage in my career, but at the same time, I'm not the kind of person who can leave her heart at the door when entering into the flirting and flinging game. I wish I had that ability - to behave like a guy when it came to affairs of the heart, instead of taking everything so seriously. On the dancefloor, I can do anything. Off it - almost everything seems impossible.

But at the same time, do I really want to be the kind of person who doesn't care at all about the possible havoc she could be wreaking and the hearts that she's breaking? I don't know. Maybe if I weren't in the country I call home, it wouldn't matter so much. Things are different back where I come from. (Oh, how often have I said that...) Rules are meant to be followed. People are not meant to be involved in casual relationships - the guys here aren't equipped for it. They take everything so seriously. Agreeing to see a movie with a guy along seems to mean that you are interested in the guy. Dancing with a guy means that you're attached to him. Having dinner - you're in love. Why can't you guys get it? Sometimes, we're just being nice. Sometimes, we're just being friendly. It doesn't always mean we're interested.

Or rather, why is it the ones who we're not interested in always assume we are? And the ones we like are just so darn oblivious?

Wow. This turned into quite a social commentary. I don't think I intended it to be, but these feelings have been festering for a while.

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