Thursday, October 09, 2003

It's been weird lately. Saw my... friend yesterday evening in an effort to dispel what I'd been feeling since my return from vacation - trepidation, irritation and a slight bit of fear. I'm not sure why I'd been feeling that. No, I lie. I have a pretty clear idea as to why I'm feeling that way, but I'm still uncertain due to the fact that I tend to overanalyse things to death. Obviously, there's the irritation with certain qualities... which only arose after my eyes had been opened to what I'd been missing. Then there's the apprehension and fear - that this guy has only been seeing me since July and he can feel so strongly about me, to the point where he's declared that I've stolen his heart, and that he's most likely going to ask me to be his girlfriend. To be fair, up till now, I haven't exactly given him any reason to think otherwise... but the thing is that I've been clubbing with him twice, met him around my workplace twice and then he picked me up at the airport and spent like two entire days with me since... July!

Ever before going overseas, I'd been getting the feeling that all of this is moving a little too quickly for me - and that's a sure way to scare me off. I'm not sure I have the time for a relationship right now, especially one with this guy. He gives me the impression that he'd love to see me every single moment... and there was a time that I would like that. But not now. Not anymore. I need my own space. I don't want to spend every single night talking to him or seeing him. I know, I know, it's like I've suddenly changed after he declared his very strong feelings for me... But I've been getting a bit more guy-like when it comes to relationships ever since London. Pretty much I've been flirting a little, but not wanting to get into any serious relationships, and when guys come on too strong, I avoid them until they stop calling me.

Yesterday evening, I was thinking that okay... maybe it won't be too bad just going out with him for a bit until he finally pops the question and then I can tell him how I really feel. It's scummy, but I feel so bad for comparing him with someone that he couldn't possibly hope to match up to. I thought he was smooth, but now, I've realised that he's clumsy smooth, not at all like the good, persuasive smooth that so pervaded my life in my final year.

And I feel even worse for letting these rather strong feelings of nervousness and trepidation overpower what I used to feel for him. I don't know if they'll fade, and I'm almost hoping that by talking and going out with him that they will... but what if they don't? And in the event that the feelings don't go away, wouldn't the going out just have given him the wrong idea?

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