Wednesday, December 10, 2003

My friend and I were talking about infatuations today. Or rather, let me recap our amusing discussion.

He (recently single): I was lying in my bed when...
Me (interrupting): With my head on the phone, thinking of you till it huuuuuurts...

Anyway, that's how it began. Apparently, he was lying in his bed the night he broke up when he had a revelation: The next relationship he had would have to be with a girl he was infatuated with since day one. He hadn't been infatuated with his previous two girlfriends, but rather, grew into the relationships. In other words, he wanted someone better than his previous girlfriends, someone who attracted and fascinated him from the very beginning, rather than someone who made a good friend.

I thought he made a good point. It's only natural to want all your successive relationships to be better than the previous ones. Who wants to get worse over time, after all?

And it was at this point when I brought up this vignette of truth as first stated in The Teenage Textbook (by Adrian Tan, now out of print, I believe). Love is FRAIL - that is, part Friendship, part Romance, part Admiration, part Infatuation and part Lust.

At the time I read the book, I was very young... only 11 years old, I believe. Not even a teenager. I considered that statement trite and corny, but now that I'm older, it seems more and more true everyday.

Currently, I'm in the midst of an infatuation. Unlike my recently single friend, I am not going to do a thing about it. I'm not going to make a move, I'm not going to call him, or try going out of my way to bump into him, or any such thing. He is, quite possibly, out of my league. Cute, talented, smart and rich, my infatuation is very eligible. And in case you're wondering, it's the very last quality that makes me consider myself too "low-class" to ever catch his attention. I know there are schools of thought which epouse the philosophy that you're never going to know for certain unless you try and that the worst thing in life is to have regrets. All valid, all revelant, and all going to be completely ignored by moi. The problem is that I do not like rejection. I do not handle rejection well. Furthermore, in this tiny country of mine, everyone knows everyone else. And I, being a typical Asian, am concerned about my own reputation, about what others think of me. I do not want to have to deal with the possible fall-out from any admission on my part that yes, I do fancy him, although I have denied that I do on at least one occasion, ridiculing him for being a playboy (yet another reason why I shouldn't act on this feeling of mine).

But still. Infatuation is good, and nice. It's the tingly feeling you get everyday, hoping that he'll call, wondering if every missed call you have could have been from him. It makes you feel alive and more than just a little crazy, making you act in ways you don't usually act.

It's the way my ex made me feel - every single day. I wasn't infatuated with him from day one... more like day two, really, and in so many ways, it seems like destiny, like something was conspiring for us to get together because the moment we were together, it felt like we were meant to be, even though we knew we weren't going to be a "forever" couple. I was attracted to him physically and intrigued by him intellectually. And yes, I felt all five emotions when I was speaking with him during the beginning of our relationship.

It was a great feeling - and although he was a great guy to be with, I know my next one will be better. Because he has to be.

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