Sunday, January 25, 2004

Newsflash: My friends - the two at PvD - are going out.

Wow. I'm jealous.

Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy for them too. It's a curious juxtaposition of two opposing emotions that always seems to afflict me whenever a blessing happens to befall someone close to me. A sensation that is most likely a member of the same family that schadenfreude belongs to.

Take my brother, for instance. When he finally managed to find himself a job after months of searching, a job that was in London no less, my first reaction was, "I'm so happy for you!" This was quickly followed by a "why not me?!" The latter, mind you, wasn't spoken to my brother. It was said to my then-boyfriend, who had to convince me that I wasn't a bad person for feeling that way.

The same way that I have to tell myself that I'm not intrinsically bad for being envious of my friends. It's not that I don't want them to be together. Of course not! They seem so happy, so crazy about each other right now that I'm wondering if this could be a genuine case of Love At First Sight, something I've never believed in. And I'm a little envious that somehow, it was so easy for them to find someone so good for them, no matter how short or long a time this lasts.

And there's another factor too. How I wish I had my friend's ability to just... act on the moment. I'm not an impulsive girl, and I find it difficult to let go of the regulation-following part of my character. I would never kiss kiss a guy the first time I met him even though I wish I had at least the capacity to do so. I can be a very passionate person, and it's not as if I'm made of ice. Part of the reason is because I've kissed so few people in my life - heck, just one - that I'm really afraid that if I were to give in to my instincts, my desires, that they'll run, judging me on the basis of that one most-likely-bad kiss. But that's really only a tiny part of the reason. I just can't kiss another guy. Not like that. I freeze up. I wish I wasn't so... I don't know. Repressed? Stiff? Frozen?

Whatever the cause, I do know that there was a guy who was capable of unleashing that side of me. But that was another time, another country. In this prudish country of mine, I find it hard to do anything without being judged, and the longer I stay here, the more... repressed I become. I'm sorry, sweetie, but it's hard to resist... and there's no one here to help me fight.

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