Friday, May 20, 2005

Don't tell me I haven't been good to you
Don't tell me I have never been there for you
Don't tell me why
Nothing is good enough
- Good Enough, Sarah Mclachlan

Over the past two weeks, I've been feeling rather down. It's as if every five minutes that I'm alone, I feel incredibly miserable, so lonely that I could cry. And add to that the immense work stress, and the feeling that I'm just not going to be able to move on from my job fast enough. I'm incredibly burnt out and there's no break in sight for me.

I went for a job interview earlier this evening, and while the interviewer said my resume looks good and that he likes me, he just doesn't have the capacity to spare to take on someone who has no experience dealing in his customers and his products. Fair enough, but after last week's interview f***-up, and how terribly unappreciated I'm feeling at work, it just seems as though I won't be able to find something that I really want for some time yet.

I've been working for my company coming to three years now... and I've been single the entire time. It's not as if work's keeping me from having a proper relationship with anyone even if I do use it as an excuse.

"I'm single but not available. I'm attached to my work."

I'm afraid that one day, I'll finally find time to get out more and then I'll discover that... maybe it wasn't work, it wasn't the lack of time, and hell, it's not even the lack of good men in Singapore. It was just me the whole time. Miserable, aggressive, unmarriageable, unwanted me.

I know I'm not lacking for good friends. It's just... I don't know. They all seem to think that I'm an incredibly tough, independent, self-sufficient person who can be counted on to give them advice or just listen if they're in trouble. And they're not wrong. I know I'm tough. In fact, it's my usual excuse.

"Yeah, I'm a little down. It's okay. I'll be fine. I'm a tough girl."

So I don't reach out to anyone, to ask for comfort when I'm unhappy. I guess I don't want to shatter their illusions of me. And I always tell myself that I'll be all right tomorrow.

But what happens if I'm not? Just like I haven't been for the past two weeks?

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