Saturday, December 17, 2005

You were wrong. I got some rest but I don't feel better. My body is aching and I feel very shaky, almost managing to fall down the stairs twice today so far. I woke up with my stomach growling incredibly, but only managed to choke down a pau because I just couldn't seem to eat.

But then again, I only managed to get three hours of sleep after returning home at 6 am from the MoS Opening, my last big hurrah before the end of the year. And I probably did drink too much, as the pounding in my head seems to be telling me.

I've been feeling apprehensive the last few days. I love variety, but I'm not the biggest fan of change. And I may have fought for a lot of things in my life, but still, it feels as if fighting is getting harder as I grow older. I'm getting one step closer to fulfilling a dream, and instead of feeling excited, I feel scared, because the closer I get, the harder it'll be for me if I f*** it all up. I've been trying to take the "what's the worst that could happen?" approach in that even if I don't manage to achieve my goals this time, then all it means is that the goal gets delayed. I don't lose out on it all together. The thing is... when you want something so badly, it can sometimes work to your disadvantage.

And the other thing about this fear? Thanks to my great tendency to overanalyse, I now find myself wondering whether this fear of change, of getting close to what I've been wanting for so long, means that perhaps I don't want it enough.

In any case, I leave in a few hours. I'll be landing in a city I love dearly even if it's in a season I hate. I'll be meeting some of my best friends after more than a year's absence. I'll be seeing my brother again. I'll be returning too, to Rome, having thrown one coin over my shoulder into the Trevi Fountain just under four years ago. You can be certain I will throw at least one more in before I leave. And when I return home to Singapore after the new year, you can bet that I will be a happier person, and that I will have given it my best shot, and that perhaps, finally, I will have managed to move on.

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