Cognitive dissonance

I wrote the previous post in a fit of despair and despondency, following a phone call regarding a job I thought I was a shoo-in for. Never mind the fact that I’d been waiting two months to hear back from the hiring manager. After all, it’s been a slow economy and HR had tied him up with all sorts of approvals he needed to get. I’d had a great meeting with him and another colleague, and one of my friends who works in the company had put in a good word for me, unasked. This was a company well-known in my industry for being particularly good in the sector I prefer to work in.

I had high hopes for that role – although I’d also written it off given the passage of time. A perfect illustration of cognitive dissonance.

So, yes, I received a call. I’m not going to go into the details, but, in essence, it’s one of those reasons that really frustrates job-hunters and makes us feel that everything we’ve done is a colossal waste of time.

Where am I now? I’ve just sent off a job application for a role which just seems so perfect for me. And I’m terrified right now, because I know how devastated I will feel if I don’t even get called in. But, as I’ve said to many friends before, you’ll never win if you don’t play. So, I’ve sent in the application. Fingers crossed.

I’m still scared and sad. I still lapse into occasional fits of unhappiness in the middle of talking with the boyf. There’s a part of me which is terrified that if I do end up executing Plan B, I might find there’s nothing for me in Singapore either. What then?

But there’s a part of me that still believes that something will happen, that it’s got to come good for me sometime.

Again, cognitive dissonance.

Still, I have so many people rooting for me: my brother who’s lent me his texts so that I can brush up on some concepts, my best friend who’s taken time out of her busy day to help me run through those concepts, friends who’re sending me job opportunities or telling me about their companies if there happens to be a role there, and a boyfriend who’s trying his best to help me relax when there’s nothing further I can do.

Above all, I have wonderful, understanding parents, parents who have offered me so many things despite my relatively advanced age. They’ve offered prayers that something good will happen, financial support in case I need it, and advice that I should relax as God makes everything happen in His own time.

And there’s also my strong sense of self-belief and resilience. I will get through this. I know this because I can envision myself having already weathered this storm and being incredibly happy and grateful once this is over. It’s a bit like that time in Harry Potter when his future self casts a spell to save him, and, when the present self reaches the time when he has to cast the spell, he manages it, despite never having managed to do it before, because he knows he has. It’s paradoxical, but, at the same time, makes perfect sense.

So, here I am, a mish-mash of despair and optimism, desperation and resilience. Wish me (good) luck, folks. I’ll need it.