Today is the most miserable I've felt in a long time... since 1999 to be precise. I haven't been this perpetually close to tears since I broke up with my last boyfriend, and so unable to control myself... I guess I should have figured that this day would come sooner or later. The last time I had a day like this was about six weeks after I broke up with my first boyfriend in 1999, and guess what? Today's the sixth week after I broke up...

I couldn't really sleep last night either, after I was on ICQ with him. Sometimes just seeing him reminds me of the fact that he's 8000 miles away... and possibly... probably more than ten years away. I can't quite explain it. About how much I want him to be here with him, or to be there with him... and how happy I am to see him online, or just to listen to him on the phone, but at the same time, it hurts so bloody much to be reminded of the fact that he's no longer my boyfriend. That he's no longer here for me to touch, to smile at, to laugh with...

I just cried myself to sleep last night. Curled up in a little ball, hands over my face, just soundlessly crying. I tried to stop; I took deep breaths in an effort to stop the damned tears from coming, and then this sob escapes me, and that's it. The floodgates were opened. And when I finally fell asleep, I had a nightmare, and when I woke up, heart pounding, terrified, I instinctively reached out and realised that he wasn't there... that I was back in my own bed, in my own room, 8000 miles away...

I just threw myself into whatever could distract me today. My room's the cleanest it's been since I arrived home six weeks ago. I got to use the family jacuzzi for the first time since I got home - which is not all it's cracked up to be, since before I entered, I was quite awake, and now, my head feels like it's stuffed with oatmeal. But nothing's really helped. I wish I could do something other than just cry, but it's the only thing that brings me any sort of relief, if that's the proper word for it.

"Hope you feel better today," he said. Well, I don't. I don't at all. I just hurt so badly and I can't do a damned thing about it.

I really shouldn't be telling him this. He's my ex, after all, and shouldn't be subject to this. But if I keep it all inside, it just gets worse and I know that if that happens, I'll just pick up the phone...

Stupid Thing
by Nickel

I did a stupid thing last night,
I called you.
A moment of weakness.
No, not a moment,
More like three months of weakness.

I'm one step away from crashing to my knees.
One step away from spilling my guts to you.

I did a stupid thing last night,
I called you.
I'm doing all right.
No, don't feel sorry for me,
Really, I'm all right.

I'm one step away from crashing to my knees.
One step away from spilling my guts to you.

You see, there's this huge chunk of me missing.
It's gone.
And I can' feel it, I can't feel it,
I can't feel.

I did a stupid thing last night,
I called you.
It's the last time,
And maybe tomorrow night, will be the last time...

And I'm one step away from crashing to my knees.
(One step away from crashing to my knees)
One step away from spilling my guts to you.
(One step away from spilling my guts to you)
One step away from crashing to my knees.
(One step away from spilling my guts to you)
One step away from spilling my guts to you.
(One step away from spilling my guts to you)