Sunday, November 24, 2002

While getting my hair cut today, I was staring at the mirror... not just because I was cutting my hair short - I really do prefer long hair - but because I looked so tired. I've changed since my return. I'm shyer than ever in some ways, and yet, when I'm with people - strangers and friends - all they see is this really talkative girl who smiles and laughs a lot and just won't shut up!

I don't know. I'm not as confident as I seem and yes, I do worry as much as I sound. I worry about everything - about things that matter and a lot of things that don't. I'm scared and insecure and often wonder how the hell I got into such good schools and obtained such good grades. Some people might chalk it up to intelligence - I often think I've just been lucky. Maybe it's because that I've been brought up to be humble and modest that I constantly put myself down. Or maybe it's the truth and I'm just so good at hiding this from others that they don't see the real me.

And I'm scared that one day, everyone will see me for the person that I really, truly am. And that when they do, they'll leave.

The truth is: I'll never be good enough. No matter how nice and friendly and smart I am, I'll never be good enough - not by the standards of the people I work with and certainly not by my own standards.

I look in the mirror and I hate the fact that I've got dark circles that won't go away. I hate that my back looks awful due to acne. I hate that I have fat thighs. I hate that I don't know how to be sexy. I hate that I always seem to screw up during important things. I hate that my heart is so soft and weak. I hate that for all my so-called smarts, I just seem to be doing such stupid things - driving people away because of my annoying quirks, speaking before my brain has time to engage... I hate that I tossed my values away for 'love'. I hate that there doesn't seem to be anyone I can talk to about everything I'm going through. I just wish there were some way to change me...

New Version of You
by J.J. Abrams & Andrew Jarecki
- Felicity Season Three Theme

Can you become
Can you become
A new version of you

New wallpaper
New shoe leather
A new way home
I don't rememeber

New version of you
I need a new version of me

New version of you
I need a new version of me

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