Saturday, December 14, 2002

It amazes me how incredibly nervous I get when I'm trying to call a guy I have favourable feelings towards. I get kind of tense and my heart starts pounding and if he isn't there, I keep thinking that I went to all that effort for nothing.

It's hard to imagine that in my line of work, I have to make dozens of calls to people who have every right to curse at me.

I don't know. I'm fine talking to guys, and asking one or two out for coffee - if they're just good friends and I don't have a crush on them or anything. Mainly because if they suspect I like them or if anyone asks me, I can legitimately say "we're just friends." However, if it's a guy I like, I don't really know how to ask them out - especially since my social circle shrank considerably since I left university. I don't get the chance to 'bump' into people and there's no real reason to call someone you've met once and ask them if they would... you know... mind catching a movie sometime?

Moving on to another somewhat related topic, why is it that in all the movies and TV shows I watch, there always seems to be a 'moment' between guys and girls whereby both of them are just looking at each other and talking... and then when there's a break in the conversation, one of them leans over to kiss the other really passionately? It always seems to happen especially if the parties involved are in high school or university. And having just left those days behind, I'm kind of frustrated, I guess, at not having experienced any of that. I want to be able to feel that buzz, that electricity with another guy and to just not think and just act.

Fat chance. I take everything so seriously that I doubt I'll ever feel that, especially not here. I would love to be able to be more carefree, but it seems the instance that I want to be more feckless, the serious side of me draws back and reminds me, "What will people think?" I experienced that moment once, when you just know that the other person's inviting you to make a move... and I chickened out. Thank goodness everything worked out fine though. But still. Faced with another moment like that, I'm not sure how I'll react.

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