Saturday, February 01, 2003

Despite the fact that yesterday was the prelude to a long weekend, I just spent a large part of the night looking for someone to speak to. I was in one of those moods where I wanted to be alone, but at the same time, badly needed to speak to someone. It was raining very heavily for the whole of yesterday and that affected my mood even more since I tend to be happier when the weather's nice.

There've been a fair number of tearful moments since I've started work. The tough girl that I yearn to be would be ashamed of how easily I've broken down, but at the same time, that small little outlet sometimes helps me to get through the day. I tend to be pretty open with my friends, sharing with them my joys and occasional concerns, but I would never let them know if anything has been getting me down. It's always been a bad trait of mine to keep my problems bottled up inside.

Just realised that for last year, it was a blessing - of sorts - to be with someone who didn't come from where I came from, and wasn't brought up in the same manner - it made it so much easier to be open and explain what other people around here might dismiss as stupid and ludicrous issues. However, it did also mean that there were some matters which he couldn't quite get why they worried me so much - and that was of course, more than a little frustrating.

I do wonder how I became so damn neurotic. My parents did a pretty decent job in raising me and I've received a top notch education. Given all that, the only reasonable conclusion I can come to is that the reason why I'm so messed up is because I'm naturally so. It's not a reassuring inference.

Sigh. Happy New Year.

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