Thursday, May 22, 2003

I just feel so guilty and filthy now. I had a big presentation today. The thing is - I've got a colleague who's giving a presentation tomorrow. We're both supposed to be in competition within the training programme which we're both in. I had gotten a lot of useful tips from my seniors, and I didn't want to tell him about the good things to do; it's not my fault if the overall boss of the department offered to go through my presentation, and not his. It's not my fault if he didn't want to go up to him and ask him to vet his own presentation either. This is the corporate world. I'm not obliged to have to tell him how to do an almost-perfect presentation. I also didn't want him to see my presentation slides - they had my points on them after all, but nevertheless, I did let him see them. I just feel so bad being so vague and not telling him all the good tips which I had received. Do I want my colleague to fail? No, but when you're being graded on a bell curve, if I help him out, it'll only be at my expense. So my behaviour is rational - homo economicus - survival of the fittest. So why do I still feel so guilty?

On another note, I'm currently in the department which I would like to end up working in after the end of my programme. I've been encouraged to run a 'low-key' campaign, talking to all the senior stuff in the department to let them know that I'm interested. There may or may not be an opening when I finish training, but if there is one, I definitely want to be considered. So, on that note, I spoke to one of the other senior staff today - and I felt kind of like a prostitute. I mean, I was trying to sell myself, professionally speaking, but man, it's not an easy thing for me to do, to walk up to these people and say, hey, I know you haven't worked with me at all, but I'd love to be your colleague in a couple of months time. I mean, I'm just opening myself up to being attacked - or getting a lot more work in an attempt for them to see what I'm made of. But at the same time, if they don't know that I'm interested, they're never going to think about me should there be an opening. Argh. I hate whoring myself.

And incidentally, the presentation was above average. Not the best job I could have done, but I was nervous.

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