Sunday, August 10, 2003

Lana (near tears): I know why Chloe was kissing you, Clark... But why were you kissing her back?
- Episode 2-14: Rush, Smallville

Just catching up on my weekly dose of Smallville, especially since I didn't have the time to watch last week's episode until today. Watching Rush brought back memories of my own high school relationship, or to be more accurate, the break up aftermath. I had gone out with a friend yesterday to watch the holiday fireworks, and in the midst of the whole occasion, he had asked me if my first relationship had left me with scars. An understandable question, given I did tell him that at this point in time, that I despise my first boyfriend. I had laughed the question off initially. "Scars?" I said incredulously. "I wouldn't give him that much credit. Or power."

Truth is, I guess my first relationship did left me with some emotional scars. My ex was, and continues to be, a close friend to some of my own close friends. Given how I feel towards him right now, you can guess that it may create some awkward situations. To be quite frank, I'm fine being with the same room as him. However, I wouldn't have any meaningful conversations, or tell him how stressed I feel about my job, or anything that I usually talk to my good friends with. I do tend to flaunt whatever guys I'm dating or seeing at the moment in his face - but in a subtle way. It's not a mature thing to do, granted, but... oh well.

The funny thing is that we continued to be good friends even after we broke up, even though it was a very painful break up. Neither of us wanted to break up, but at the same time, I had no wish to continue in a relationship where the other party clearly had no time for me. But seeing as we were friends, and that we had many mutual friends, the "official" story was that it was mutual. It was fine, for a bit, even though it still hurt like hell whenever I saw him, because it just rammed home the fact that we were no longer together even though we both still loved each other. But, as with everything, s*** happens, sometimes for no good reason (even though I do acknowledge that the reason for our break up was a very compelling one), and one just has to take it.

And then, the incident happened. I heard that he had got together with someone I knew, a good friend, a close friend - but also, ironically, someone who I thought my ex had had feelings for before we had gotten together, just a couple of months after we had split. Three months, to be precise, after our relationship of two years had ended. And it hurt. It hurt way more than anything I had ever experienced and I spent days crying myself to sleep, trying to keep my pain hidden from my family who was visiting for the Christmas holidays. And I was determined to find out whether it was true, so a couple of weeks later, when I was in the same town he was in, I finally confronted him.

I still remember the fear and trepidation with which I relayed the stories I'd heard, and I do recall saying something similar to what Lana said to Clarke in that episode. I can understand why she might have done it, but you? Why? And he was angry - irate that such stories had been going around, and furious that I had believed them. I, of all people. In tears, I told him. It was your housemate who was the source of the rumours! And another of your good friends! How could I not have believed them?

He eventually got both parties up to explain and apologise to me. But the damage had already been done. Hearing such stories from what would have been 100% accurate and reliable sources does hurt almost as much as if the stories had been true. And we had parted on that note. This incident ruined our relationship for good. He was still mad at me for believing the stories. And I was too upset to speak to him after everything that had happened.

Funny thing is, he wasn't mad at his housemate and his friend. They just kind of laughed it off. To my knowledge, they're all still good friends.

What's the status now? The ex seems to be fine with me now, just that he has no time for anyone - as usual. I, on the other hand, as mentioned earlier, despise him. A couple of months later, he e-mailed me, just saying that he hadn't heard from me in a couple of months and was wondering how I'd been. Just those few words. That was all. No apologies for somehow blaming me for the entire situation despite the fact that it wasn't my fault. Nothing said about how sorry he was for the way things turned out, even if he wasn't to blame either. Just somehow an expectation that our relationship would pick up from where we left off - as good friends. But things were different now. He was indeed to blame - for what happened after, for being mad at me, and for never ever apologising, and just taking it for granted that I hadn't been hurt, and hurt badly.

And I did try to put it all behind me about a year ago. But now... you know what? I'm tired of all the effort I put into trying to maintain our friendship. I've always put in more work into us than you ever did. I'm tired of all the "I'm really busy right now, but I'll call you soon." I don't give a damn if you were my first love, and that, in my eyes, automatically makes it a relationship that I should do my best to maintain, since I'll always have a special spot in my heart for the feelings you awoke in me. I cherish what we had, but everything after... I do wish things had turned out differently. But for now, you can take all your words of friendship and cram it where the sun doesn't shine. Don't get me wrong though. I'm over the pain, but not over the hate. Because, you bastard, it may have been a few years already, but I don't know whether I can forgive someone who has never ever apologised for the pain that you caused me.

And yes, I am scarred. I'm afraid to get involved with friends, or with people my friends know. I'm worried about what happens when the relationship ends. How does one ever calculate whether the risks are worth it?

No comments: