Hilarious quotes from work

Male colleague (in response to my asking him if he had forgotten his employee pass): I'm well-equipped.
Me: (laugh)
Male colleague: I'm always prepared. I've got everything.
Me: Mmmm hmmm.
Male colleague: Man, that just sounds dodgier and dodgier.

Scene: My female colleague and I had opened a large pack of Nacho Cheese Doritos and had demolished half of it. Another male colleague happened along and joined us.
Me: Let's offer this to the rest so that they can help us finish it.
Male colleague 2: No! I'll finish it!
And he did.