Saturday, January 10, 2004

And with that, he's gone. I miss him already. I feel sad that he'll no longer be around for me to just SMS, or to speak to over the telephone (even if he's not a phone guy) or even just call and say, "hey, you want to get supper?" at 11.30 pm. For someone who I've only gotten to know over such a brief period of time, it's amazing at the hole in my life his departure has created.

I did get to speak to him earlier today, for about two minutes. It was the usual good bye spiel. You know what I mean. The "keep in touch and take care" kind of speech that you make to all of your friends. He did like the photos though, so at least that wasn't like a completely spastic gift. And he thought they were well-taken too, so props to me!

In case you haven't realised, although I do know that I have a reasonable writing ability, as well as some photographic talent, but I do feel terribly insecure and embarrassed about notes, letters and other things which I give to people. It's mostly because I'm not completely comfortable with revealing my emotions, and in all of these things, you can see just how I feel about someone or something. With the words I use, or the way I've structured certain paragraphs, or even the kind of gift I've given you, the oft-hidden side of me can be clearly seen, as long as you know what to look out for.

Back to what's bothering me now - in a two-minute-long conversation, there's hardly any time to even begin to tell someone that you think he's a great guy, and that you wish he could have stayed longer because you think something further might have developed between the two of you, but that you don't know for certain as there hasn't been enough time for you to tell. Hell, there isn't even enough time in that two minutes for me to have typed that out! So, the question remains: should I tell him? Or should I choose, as with other times, to keep it hidden inside of me and just hope to forget about it over time?

I'm not the kind of person who likes to reveal these sort of things over e-mail, hence, I'm leaning towards just not telling him. Also, I'm a little afraid that he'll tell me that he was never interested or attracted. But then again, I would like him to know, not because I want to hear something similar in return, but because in telling him, I'm also letting him know that our relationship is an honest one, and that I trust he'll be able to receive statements like that from me without changing his attitude towards me.

Still, I would like to be able to find out how he feels without us both being exposed. I really don't know whether I should even try - not for a relationship, as I don't do long-distance relationships, but just to find out whether he felt the same way - that we could have had potential.

That annoying issue aside, I do miss him - as a friend. The rest... is just a bonus, I guess.

*Little anecdote which I couldn't resist recounting:
Me: I'm finally succumbing to the flu.
Him: Really? I'm not feeling too good myself now.
My initial reaction (which didn't get said because my friend was around): Hey! I didn't do anything with you no matter how much alcohol you drank!


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