I received a surprise SMS today from him. Needless to say, it made me very happy.

And now, I realise what people mean when they say harbouring strong feelings of affection for someone holds them back from being as good a friend as they could be. When you hear something like that, it's a little difficult to believe that liking someone impairs your friendship. I mean, if you like someone, you'd be willing to do a lot more for them, right?

But that's not the case. I find myself restraining the way I say things, or even being more offensive in my banter than I usually am, all in an effort to prevent my true feelings from showing. I worry about whether they'll get the wrong impression from the things I say, the words I use, and I begin to examine whatever I do, eventually electing not to do anything at all, just so there's nothing that he can misinterpret.

And the same thing happens when he says or does something. I examine it from every possible angle. I wonder: does he mean anything more by this? Everything takes on hidden meanings, and my reaction can verge from completely disregarding anything more that could be read into the situation (and hence, possibly missing any signals that he's trying to give me) all the way to obsessing over everything that it could mean, and just being quietly tormented by it all.

It's silly, I know, but that's what happens when you like a friend, and you're worried that they don't reciprocate. And in this case, it's even worse because even if they did, there'd still be no hope, it'd still be an impossible relationship.

I guess it'd be better not to find out how he feels at all, seeing as it can only lead to frustration. Still, wouldn't it be nice to just know and then file it away, because I know I'll get over this and that there'll be other people around to be infatuated with?

But, like the whiny immature 23-year-old that I am, I'm so not concerned with the future. It's now that I have to deal with. And right now, I'm a little torn between being a friend and... not. Trying to decided between being as "normal" as I possibly can or... just basically trying my best not to talk to him so that I'll get over him faster. I keep trying to tell myself that a friend is for the long-term, so that's the better path to take. But how on earth do you deal if you don't ever want to mess up a friendship? If you don't want to take the chance that there just may be something there?

F***! It's only been two weeks. Two bloody weeks. Why? WHY?

On that note, I've recently discovered that one of my favourite web sites, Breakup Girl, which closed in 2000 or so has resurfaced. Check it out for sensible yet hilarious advice for the lovelorn. If only they had something tailor-made for my predicament.