Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Lately, I've been pretty depressed. And no, it's not one of those inexplicable moods that I get des temps en temps such as when I feel terribly lonely. No, I know exactly what caused this mood and I'm kind of at a loss as to figure out exactly how to redress it. But perhaps I should begin from (where else?) the beginning.

It's been almost half a year since I graduated from my company's regional training scheme and yet, the results of the local (not regional) rankings were released only last week. And thank goodness they were, for I came in last. I knew that I hadn't done well in the regional training sessions nor had I scored terribly high in my exams but still, it really hurt like hell that I scored that low. Perhaps I did do better than others in the region, for my score isn't all that far away from the regional average, but still, I don't care about the region.

And maybe I should be looking at this from a different perspective. Like how I've been enjoying my current work for some time and that I think I'm doing a pretty decent job. Wrong again. Lately, I've been getting pretty stressed about my work, not at all sure if I'm up to whatever my perfectionist of a boss is asking from me. I've been trying to get my academic knowledge of the work that I'm doing up to speed but still haven't been able to assimilate all of it, and definitely not at the speed I wish to be doing so. As such, my working speed isn't as quick as it should be, and I stay back late to finish up work. As a result of that, I don't get enough rest, and in turn, that affects my productivity. In any case, I've been working 60+ hour work weeks, and it's starting to get to me.

Obviously this does get me thinking: Am I cut out for this job? Am I even in the right industry? And even if I'm not, what else can I do? I have no clue whatsoever about what I want to do in life other than manage a youth hostel located somewhere in Europe. And that's not something that I can really do right now. I just don't have enough capital to pull such a venture off even if I wanted to. Furthermore, I really should be trying my best to aim for a relatively high-paying job in order to provide for my parents for the many sacrifices that they've made for me throughout my lifetime.

Bearing all of this in mind, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find anything I'm good at. I mean, back during my school days, I liked chess and dancing, but I do acknowledge that I wasn't good at them in that I'm naturally talented and that even at my best, I don't play or look half as good as quite a few other people. Even in academics, even though I'm supposedly 'up there', I've never been able to perform at the level in which I ought to be able to perform at. Even now, doing what I'm doing, even though I (sometimes) like the nature of my job, am I really good at it? Why am I just not good at anything I do?

A good friend of mine told me recently that I'll never be able to find something that I do well... namely because there'll always be a voice inside me that'll tell me that I'm not good enough even when I am. Maybe he's right. But all I know is that right now, it's got nothing to do with that inner voice. I cannot name anything in which I am good at doing. And for all my vaunted intelligence, I sure don't seem to be able to utilise any of that potential.

In fact, the only thing that I seem to be doing well is not breaking down. Although come to think of it, it's more of a failure seeing as I've been wanting so desperately to just cry everything away. But the tears won't come. Even in that, I've failed.

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