Sunday, October 24, 2004

I guess it's not just my ex-boyfriend who's wondering how he got himself into a repeat situation. I'm now currently trying to figure out how I ended up falling in like with a guy who was initially attracted to me but has since rekindled a relationship with his ex-girlfriend. It's not exactly deja vu, but it's close enough to one other situation that I can recall that I can't help but feel like a prize idiot.

It doesn't help that he's such a nice guy and obviously didn't want me to be alone because I was fighting so damn hard not to cry. Even now, my neck muscles are aching from the strain of holding back the tears. My palms still bear the marks from when I drove my nails into them just trying to distract myself from what was happening.

I've been trying and trying to get over this guy for ages, and I guess this recent episode will really force me to move on once and for all, but right now, I'm just thinking... HOW THE F*** COULD I BE SO F***ING STUPID?

Apparently, I'm a good friend, and he fervently hopes that we'll remain that way. My acidic reply, "I've got a lot of good friends." "I don't," he said quietly. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to be as guai lan as my father. That's your problem, not mine." I said, halfway between anger and tears.

Obviously, we didn't part on such a bad note, but why is it that in this situation, I always seem to have to say something to reassure the guy that we'll be all right? I don't mean that I feel that I've got to say something of my own accord, but the guys always seem so worried that I'll just vanish on them all together that they just sit down there and wait for me to say something to convince them otherwise. Why is it that I'm the one who has to do the reassuring? Why can't they just bugger off and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, which is what I really need? Give me a good reason to think that you're an insensitive bastard and just let me hate your guts so that I don't ever want to see you again.

No, I'm wrong. What I really need is to talk to someone about this. On the phone. Without crying. And that's not possible, which is why I'm choosing the usual way I have of coping. Just crying alone in my room and keeping how f***ing devastated I am to myself.

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