Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Michael:I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex.
Sam: Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex.
Michael: Oh yeah? Have you ever gone a week without a rationalization?
- The Big Chill (1983)

Rationalization: A defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which an individual attempts to justify or make consciously tolerable by plausible means, feelings or behavior that otherwise would be intolerable.

I'm trying my hardest to get past what happened at work, but at times when my mind's not completely occupied, I find myself alternating between burning resentment and trying my damnest to rationalise why it is that I'm the only one in my department not to receive a bonus.

I find myself wondering if it's because my boss doesn't like me, or if it could be because my boss is a sociopath who has no idea how to manage people, or really because my boss was concerned that my colleague may leave if she didn't receive anything after she had made her unhappiness known. But, Occam's Razor dictates that the simplest solution must be the one preferred until proven wrong, and in this case, the simplest solution is... that my performance was really shit. And if I accept that, it'll kill me.

I was incredibly close to tears prior to leaving the office tonight as I was thinking over the amount of hard work and time that I've put into this job. I've always taken my job very seriously and in spite of my natural inclination towards laziness, I will do my best to accomplish anything and everything that you give to me. But if everything I've put in isn't good enough, then what's the point? Am I even in the right industry? And if I can't do the career I've chosen well, then... what now?

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