Monday, February 14, 2005

Sigh. I found out today that the other person in my department who has pretty much the same qualifications as I do and who has gone through the same things I've been going through did in fact receive a bonus. A small one, yes, but it's still a bonus. And I'm quite certain she received the same performance rating as I did. The problem is... when something like this occurs, it does make you wonder. Like, for instance, am I really that bad a worker? Or, on the flip side, is she really that much better than I am, given that bonuses are only given to 'exceptional' workers?

I told this to a close friend tonight over drinks, and he did his best to console me. The problem is that because none of my friends have worked with me (they've seen me study, they've seen me play, but they've never seen me in a working environment), I can't quite bring myself to believe them when they say that it's more likely a problem with my boss rather than with me. After all, among other things, my colleague did tell my boss that she wasn't happy with the insane hours that she's had to work and that she wouldn't be able to tolerate it if it happens again. But maybe it's wishful thinking on my part, to want to believe that perhaps her voicing of her unhappiness of the work situation may have played a significant role in her receiving a bonus when I didn't.

I'm a very insecure person. It's very easy to get me to undermine myself. On the whole, I seem cheerful and happy and optimistic - and I am - but when things like this happen, I do start to doubt myself. On any normal day, even without work stressing me out, I can't help but wonder why I'm still single if I'm really all that I think I am. Most of the time, I think that I'm being arrogant in even thinking that I'm smart and pretty and overall, not that bad a catch. And to make up for it, I become extremely self-deprecating, to the point that I honestly don't believe I'm anything special.

My friend said that I needn't worry. "You're not ugly, and you're not dumb... which means you're pretty and smart," he told me earlier tonight. The thing is... I've been hanging out with prettier and smarter people my whole life. And if everything is relative, I trust you see why my opinion of myself is what it is.

Long story short, I'm really gutted. I don't quite know what I'm supposed to think or feel. Am I really that poor a worker? Or does my boss really have some sort of problem with me? Am I that blind or that naive?

No comments: