Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I've found myself going through Saturday night's events in my head, trying to figure out how it started, at which point I still had some cognitive ability to choose to go down another path. It's not that I regret that it happened. On the contrary, as mentioned before, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's just that... I don't like not being in control. I don't mean it in the micromanaging kind of way, but rather, I have this incredible need to constantly have some sort of control over what's going on, to the point that I actually dread praying to God for something to happen, because that means it's out of my hands, that I no longer have any power to bring whatever it is I want about. I've always been a firm believer in free will and that God helps those who help themselves.

I don't hate not having control though. I'm scared of it. I work really hard to have everything in my life more or less in some sort of order. I'm not willing to admit that one of the reasons I'm kind of glad I'm not attached to anyone (especially now) is because I know what I'm like when I'm in love. Nothing else matters as much as the person I'm with. And that would seriously disrupt my career goals, one of which is to work overseas within the next six to twelve months. Oh, of course, most people wouldn't believe me even if I said that, because I'm such an independent, opinionated, outspoken, sarcastic Miranda of Sex and the City kind of person that it's very tough to conceive of me as someone who'll be... well, devoted to someone. But I digress.

And so, I find myself analysing Saturday's events to death, looking for that critical moment so that next time, if I'm ever in that situation, I'll be able to... I don't know. I'm just driving myself crazy here, so I'll take the advice of a close friend who has much more experience in affairs like these than I do (and I mean this in a good way). She has told me not to stress so much, because these things, sometimes, they just happen. And that it's not necessarily a bad thing, my indulging in the moment, because we both had fun. So, I shall do my best to not be anal-retentive about this and just relax and let it go.

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