Have you ever found yourself caught between carpe diem and the fear of consequences?

I acknowledge this: when we end, it will be painful. And it will hurt badly... for me. But in time, I'll get over it. And I am enjoying what we have. I'm learning a little on life, how to relax and let things be and I'm definitely learning a lot about indie music.

I'm tired of feeling so scared about how I'll feel when the inevitable happens, and I'm drained from constantly telling myself that I shouldn't get too involved, shouldn't do certain things, shouldn't say certain words, because this isn't a serious relationship. The constant cost-benefit analysis of what I'm getting and what I'll be paying is really starting to get to me and is very much adding to the strain of keeping this unserious. The worries and fears vanish whenever I'm with you, but the moment we're apart, they come back redoubled.

I do wish I knew how you manage to live life with such dispassion and that it would rub off on me... although I still prefer throwing myself into the things I like and enjoy with (measured) reckless abandon.

But to quote from Rent: Forget regrets, for life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today.

From today onwards, I will boldly walk down that path and accept whatever it is that gets thrown my way. No more wavering between getting out now or continuing this. And I will push aside those nagging doubts in my head and accept that when I'm with you, I am happy. And happiness - even for a moment - should be savoured.