Sunday, October 23, 2005

Yes, I do realise that perhaps I expect too much and demand far too much from myself, and when I don't get what I hope to achieve, I can be very harsh on myself. I rarely seem to be able to accept that I did try my best and that perhaps, some things aren't meant to be. Maybe I will indeed be happier if I don't come down so hard on myself, but I put this to you: isn't lowering your expectations and demands to an achievable level akin to commiting the sin of mediocrity?

I don't know what's worst: always feeling a little down because you think you should be doing so much better than you currently are, or allowing yourself to be content with your lot when you're capable of achieving more.

Yes, I envy those people who seem to know exactly what it is they want in life, and know how they're going to get it, and in fact, are more than half-way there. (Oddly enough, this is exactly how one of my very good friends sees me.) They seem so secure, so confident that I find myself wondering, now how on earth will I ever be like them?

In spite of my accepting that, yes, I can and have been considered intelligent, capable, reliable, interesting, funny, nice, etc., there are many times in which I'm convinced someone will finally be on to me, and expose me for the fraud that I feel that I am, that I'm none of those adjectives mentioned earlier, and when push comes to shove, all I am is just this lost, insecure, unconfident, untalented, plain girl who has no idea what she wants, and even if she did, is far too tired and lazy to try and get it.

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