Wednesday, March 18, 2009

It's been 4 weeks since I last spoke to MD. 672 hours. 690 hours since we broke up. In spite of recent posts, I don't hate him. I am angry, and am trying to remain angry. When it comes to negative emotions, I much prefer anger to sadness. Anger doesn't incapacitate as much as sadness does. And anger's easier to burn off as well.

And I miss him a lot. It's been so tempting to text him just to tell him that, but, so far, I've managed to refrain. It usually hits me towards the end of the day, and I stop myself by telling myself not to bother him at work, or that he's most likely asleep and that there's no point in torturing myself by wondering why he hasn't replied if he's not in a position to respond.

And, damn it, I don't want to be the one to break first.

We have texted, but mostly just over administrative matters to do with events we'd bought tickets for. I've ignored any of his attempts at making conversation and just laid the facts down, not just to let him know in no uncertain terms that I meant what I said when I told him I didn't want to see him after we broke up, but also to limit the damage I can do. The less words said, the better. The less likely I am to break down, the less likely I am to lash out.

But I really, really miss him. There're times when what we had, and what I've lost just pops into my head, and I just cannot think about it because thinking about it in any measure threatens to overwhelm me completely. When I find myself near a place where I might run into him, I get a little panicky in spite of how large this city is.

Baby steps, girl, baby steps.

One month down, just a few more to go.


Fat Les said...

It's all so easy for me to tell you to cut all ties, like now! I went through two years of hell with my break-up, and that two years of feeling miserable and being depressed have proved an absolute bloody waste of time and life. (I can’t help but think that long period of inflicted grief could’ve been better allocated to something more worthwhile like prolonging Ms Goody’s life) Best tip I can give is, life is too short and you only get one crack at it (I’m an atheist), so move on and enjoy it to the tilt (a bit of achievement thrown in wouldn’t hurt either)!

NB The last time I looked at myself in the mirror I’m still very much of the yellow skin persuasion.

Little Miss Random said...

Whoops! I just thought that 'Fat Les' sounded terribly English. Sorry about that!

I am getting out there and living life, as much as one can on a moderately constrained budget! I do recognise I don't tend to get over people that easily, so... oh well!