Happy Valentine's Day

I'm not the kind who celebrates Valentine's Day in a big way. I might have been in my 20s, but not now. Anyway, an ex-boyfriend broke up with me two days after Valentine's, and, until this year, I've never celebrated a Valentine's properly with a boyfriend, so... yeah, you get the picture.

This year, I've been surprised with some really thoughtful gifts, a bouquet of both of my favourite flowers (red roses and sunflowers, not flowers you usually ever see together) and two books: Simon Garfield - Just My Type (about fonts) and Mark Forsyth - The Etymologicon (a book which is guaranteed to render me even more insufferable when it comes to words than I am already).

And, now, the boyfriend's cooking dinner and letting me chill (mostly because my back hurts like nothing else on this planet).

This time last week, I posed a question: would I rather be in a decent, boring job and still trying to date, or would I rather be where I am now, jobless and job-hunting in a tough economy, but with a wonderful boyfriend? I honestly couldn't say, because the latter would only work out if we end up being together for the long-term.

Today, however, I'm really happy with the latter option. Even in the midst of a long stretch of darkness, there can be a little spark which, while fleeting, is just enough.

For the rest of you, I hope you're having a great day no matter what you're doing.

xx

Third time's the charm

I now have a boyfriend, having managed to lose my singlehood before we embarked on our second official date.

Wish me luck, folks. It's going to be a bumpy, if exhilarating, ride.

First, second and third

I really haven't had much time to update this recently, given that I have been spending the week at work, and my spare time either catching up on the awesome Danish series, Forbrydelsen ("The Killing" on BBC 4, although it really means "the crime" and a good investment of 20 hours of my life) or spending time with CWS.

Despite the last few posts, if you've been following me on Twitter, you'll realise that we had our first proper date last weekend, although a quick count established that we have probably been out more than a dozen times before that, few of which were properly planned (if that is to be the definition of a date).

Don't Settle

You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

- Steve Jobs, commencement speech, Stanford University, 2005

There are many things that one cannot prevent. One can no more stop the stars from shining than one can stop the tide from coming in. In the same way, I just cannot seem to prevent my mind from going around in circles over this, for lack of a better word, problem.

I know what it is a rational, logical person would do under these circumstances. And I am, indeed, a rational, logical person with common sense in spades. This, I realised today, when talking a client through the trends in the industry I work in, despite only having been working in this sector for just over a month now.

Yet, that main strength in work, is something which fails so very often when I think about love and relationships. My all-too-compassionate and foolhardy heart seems to win out over my wisdom nine times out of ten.

Did you ever...

Did you ever have one of those moments in your life when you feel, more or less, like a cat that's just been startled and is flattening itself against a wall and is wondering whether to attack or flee?

I don't mean it literally, of course, but, right now, I kind of feel as though I have, in a moment of pure foolishness and overconfidence, managed to wander down the, well, not wrong path, but definitely not the right one either, and am trying to stop myself from going any further before it turns out to be too late for me to turn back.

The perks of not dating... and a bad dream

Some time in May, because of the fact that I was going to be out of London for quite a fair bit of time, I decided to take a dating hiatus. I did have a few people ask me out during that time, but I'd asked to postpone any meeting up until after I got back from Australia.

And I felt so better for taking that pressure off myself, as dating, well, it's hard enough as it is, and I didn't think anything would come out of meeting someone and then going off for a few months, because, by the time I got back, surely any chemistry or good feelings would have faded.

Catching Up, Part Deux

I met up with an ex today.

I'd been looking forward to this meeting. I suspect it's because of my friends' upcoming wedding. I don't mean it in the sense that I want us to get back together, just that I met this ex the same time my friends who are getting married met each other. At the time, all of our friends thought we were the ones who were meant to be.

Clearly, they were wrong.

Prelude to the adventure

Written on June 7th during the flight from London

So, here I am, once again on my way to Buenos Aires. The last time was a life-changing experience. This time around, I think it would be asking way too much of the universe to expect the same thing to happen.

Still, so much has been surprising just this year alone, so, who knows?

The Magnetic Fields - The Book of Love

I think I just may have found the perfect wedding song for my best friends' wedding. Strangely enough, it's because of Sinfest that I found it. The simplicity and poetry of the lyrics just moved me so greatly, and I'm hoping my friends agree because it's not often that I come across something and think that it's just so perfect and fitting.

The song was originally done by the Magnetic Fields (Steven Merritt) although I think I prefer the more emotional, sappier version done by Peter Gabriel, which was also used in the series finale of Scrubs.

The problem with love

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This...? It could go on forever."

- Meredith Grey, Season 7 Episode 22 Unaccompanied Minor

I couldn't have put it better myself, no matter how hard or how long I tried. The closing lines of Season 7 of Grey's Anatomy just hit the nail right on the head. I think anyone who's ever been in love - truly, madly, deeply in love - and lost that, can relate.

You Should Date An Illiterate Girl

A beautifully written tribute to women and reading by Charles Warnke on Thought Catalog.

My favourite part (aside from the ending):

The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.

(via a friend on Facebook)

If a guy calls me "really cool" and follows that up with "I would like to [have drinks with you] again", does that mean that he may be interested in me as more than just friends? I'm getting so bad at this. I just wouldn't call someone I'm interested in cool. I'd usually say I had fun.

Anyway, saw CG yesterday, and I think I may actually be more than a little over him. He's still cool (heh) and nice and all, but I didn't get that crazy butterflies in my stomach feeling after he left. Fingers crossed that this will last!

And, in spite of a horrible time at work recently (in a nutshell, great uncertainty over the scope of my job, coupled with a company-wide overall pay reduction at a time when taxes, etc. are increasing), I'm just happy about 2010. It's been a great year - most notably in the last few weeks - and I've got so many stories to tell, things that make me feel as if I am genuinely interesting person who's out there living life instead of watching it.

And I'm also glad that I finally got the Before Sunrise-esque moment I've apparently been wanting ever since I started travelling a decade ago. I don't believe in destiny or fate, but I'll admit that it has been quite the coincidence that my general forgetfulness regarding checking in online has ultimately resulted in the most expensive and longest date of my life to date.

Bring on 2011! I have new goals - and some old ones from 2010 - that I want to tick off, and I'll write about them in due course.

It's quite coincidental that Sasha over at the Happiness Project London has written a post on being single in London. Just the other day I was telling a really good friend of mine that I hadn't had much success at all on the Internet dating site she'd pushed me to join, but that I wasn't really fussed because I'm already so awesome on my own anyway.

I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice to have someone to share experiences with, but it's by no means a necessity. And, for some reason, I've never been upset when friends got married even though I'm so incredibly far from even thinking about it. Maybe I'm just fortunate in that very few of my close friends are at that stage, and that the ones who have gotten married* are incredibly sensible in that they still make time to hang out with the rest of us!

* Yes, that means you, M. Thank you for a great day today which ranged from catching up on my holiday to talking about a whole bunch of things including the death penalty, music and pretty dresses.

Today was - dare I say it - the best day I've had since returning from Singapore. It didn't start out too well, as I was kept waiting for over half an hour at the travel clinic and ended up having to sprint to my Power Plate session which resulted in my legs almost collapsing under me as I did my warm-up sprints on the vibrating plate, but it went so well from there, I could scarcely believe it.

Following the session, I went back home to shower and discovered that - wonder of wonders - I have abs! Not just the usual abs with the two lines down the side, but the beginnings of a four/six-pack. And this, after only five sessions! Man, do they work fast. I'm really glad I invested in another six now.

After that, I picked up my order of M&S items matching with the amazing vintage-inspired slip I bought last week (aka lingerie), and they look wonderful. I'm pretty big on symmetry and matching items, so it's nice that I've got a set of really pretty frilly things which don't look at all as affordable as they were.

Then it was off to Wild & Wood for a much-needed cup of coffee. I've got plenty of coffee options around where I live but I just love the feel of Wild & Wood which is why I go down there so often. I gave in to temptation, ended up having a slice of carrot cake, and lo and behold, CG walked in.

I swear, this really wasn't planned. I know there's always a chance I'll run into him when I go there, but, still. I loved the coffee shop before I fell for him, so there's no way I'm giving that up.

Anyway, he came over to join me in my crowded nook. Turned out that he'd first come to W & W, then, upon finding it packed, went off to another two places which he found just as crowded, and returned just as I took the only vacant table left in W & W.

Anyway, after we finished coffee, cake and conversation, I ended up tagging along with him while he bought some stuff. I figured I'd leave once he finished with his purchases, seeing as he was going to grab a cab and all, what with all that he was carrying, but he asked if I wanted to come along on a free ride with him.

I still had time to spare, so why not?

So he showed me where he worked, which was incredibly cool. It's a part of London which is closed to the public, at least on weekends, and is very beautiful. I couldn't believe I used to study near a place like that and never knew it existed. Some of the buildings even had bomb damage from World War II, something I have never seen before, because I live in a part of London which is mostly reconstructed.

At this point, if it were any other person, I'd say it made for a fantastic date, instead of being what it really was, two friends - with no romantic potential whatsoever - spending a lazy Saturday afternoon together.

Anyway, following on from that, we moseyed on to the London Review of Books, which is one of the nicest bookstores in London, I've got to say. I went off in search of Jorge Luis Borges - Fictions, a book I wanted to bring to Argentina as I felt it was the most appropriate time to read it, and am happy to say that not only did I find it, but it turned out to be incredibly thin, so it wouldn't add much weight to my luggage. I knew I could get it cheaper on Amazon, but it was such a nice bookshop that I wanted to help support it. If I had all the money in the world, I'd probably blow it all trying to help each and every independent shop which existed.

But there was a moment when both he and I knocked books over as we somehow managed to bump into the display tables closest to us even though he and I were looking at shelves several metres apart. An inconsequential incident, yes, but one which made me want to shake my head wryly and say, "See, can't you see just how matched we are?" There's just this sense of serendipity and coincidence where we're concerned that it frustrates me just a little.

Then it was off to meet friends for dinner at the very affordable Myanmese restaurant Mandalay, and partook of some really nice wine from Tuscany, courtesy of someone who had just returned from there. And then, more wine at The Waterway which is one of the nicest bars I've been to in London. It even has a real fire!

To top things off, I met my friends' friends tonight, and they turned out to be nice people. I mean, I'm sure most people are nice, but I had lengthy conversations with each of them and was genuinely interested in getting to know them, which isn't something you usually get because you'd imagine your friends would be more interested in catching up with their friends seeing as they're one degree closer.

I guess the only downer on my night was when, on the way home, I got out my iPod so as to take my mind off CG (what can I say, he's just one of the most intelligent, music-savvy, gentlemanly people I know and that's unfortunately a deadly combination in my book). I switched to She & Him as I thought the jaunty In The Sun would take my mind off things. And it did. But the next song turned out to be the duo's cover of The Smiths - Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want, which is most definitely the song which best encapsulates how I feel right now.

I figure that I'll probably get a lot of flak from rational people as to why I'm so hung up on CG. I can't help it. I'm fine when I'm with him. It's all just friendly, teasing and controlled. It's just that when we part, I just feel that deep yearning. Maybe it's just some crazy insane crush, because all crushes are painfully irrational, but... yeah. I don't know. I'll move on when I find someone new, I figure. And I'm doing my best on that front, but that will take time.

Still, in spite of this hiccup, it's been an incredibly nice day. Even the weather was better than expected, with sunshine and warm-ish weather prior to the slight drizzle in the evening. And... I have abs! Woo!

I've just watched a couple of dating tip video clips done by a friend who's also launched a book very recently. I wish I could say they've inspired me, or, at the very least, just made me feel a little more confident about the whole dating scene, but, now I just feel freaked out. I'm starting to think that the best I can hope for are for enough hilarious stories so that I can do my own version of How I Met Your Mother. I've already had two of the worst first dates in the history of mankind, so that's a start.

Seriously though, most people seem to think dating tips tend to fall into two categories: logical and common sense. And if that's the case, why isn't anything about dating logical or commonsensical?

How on earth does one remain friends with someone who is incredibly nice, very funny, musical and so intelligent? I fell for CG some time ago and told him how I felt in an effort to move on. Yesterday, we met up for coffee, having not seen each other for three months. I knew I still had feelings for him - and probably always will have to some extent - but I really needed to face up to this to see if we could be friends. And, to be honest, I really miss having a guy friend to whom I could talk. But, and this is a big but, all the reasons which made me fall are still there. He's still his usual witty self. He's still gentlemanly. And damn it, he's still interesting. These are things he or I can change. I can't compel him to not be him. And it sucks. Surely I'm not condemned to repeat history if I still want him in my life?

Maybe I just need to meet someone else to replace him. In the meantime, I shall not think about how he spent an hour longer talking to me than he meant to (he had some other place to be), nor will I dwell on his asking me when I'd be away. After all, I've got a Doctorate in Over-analysis and I refuse to be on the hook.

I thought I'd tried writing some things out just to make some sense of it all.

Work's been really bugging me of late. There're so many issues there I don't even know where to begin. I don't know if it's because I'm incredibly insecure and I hate uncertainty, or if I have genuine reasons to be as worried and stressed out as I sometimes get.

But that's not the reason for this post. It does, however, provide some background as to why I get the way I do when things other than work go wrong.

On the JC side of things, I am well aware that were it a friend who was in my shoes, I would have advised her to go out with someone else and forget all about this guy a long time ago. As I've found out, I'm not good at taking my own advice.

And I am also, to use a friend's word, weak. We all are. Women are. Fact.

There are men around whom we all know aren't good for us; they're shiftless, feckless, irresponsible, careless, thoughtless jerks, but there is, nevertheless, an attraction which exists that we, as females, are unable to unravel and simply move on. Maybe it's nature, maybe it's been nurtured by craploads of stupid movies where the good girl inspires the bad boy to change after he's brought her out of her shell. Who knows?

His telling me that he thought I would like to know that he's seeing his ex-girlfriend again, and that he'd still like to see me? Look, I know what it's like in the dating world. And while I would still have been a little discombobulated by someone I like telling me he's seeing someone else as well, it's not so much the fact that he's seeing someone else, but that it's his ex-girlfriend he's seeing that's bothering me, regardless of his assertion that he's not going out with her, and therefore free to do whatever he wants.

The fact is, that part is true. I've been going out on dates with other people too. So long as neither party's attached or committed to someone else, that's how the dating scene works.

But seeing an ex? That's a whole 'nother ballgame all together. An ex implies history and unresolved issues, either on her part, his, or, worst, both. Why wouldn't that bother me?

While I've still got somewhat crippling fears about getting into a serious relationship with someone again, that doesn't mean I don't want to. I'm not built for flings or casual relationships. I never have been. I've tried and it just isn't something which works for someone like me.

So if there's nothing here for me, no prospect even of a guy who thinks he could see something working out with us - and there's been virtually no indication on JC's part that he even treats me like that given I've been subject to virtually every excuse under the sun such that even if they were true, it still makes me feel like an idiot to believe them - and there's nothing here for me to fight for, why would I even contemplate seeing him one last time?

I’m just so angry right now. Angry or tense. I can’t tell the difference. My shoulders are incredibly tight, my stomach feels a bit off and I feel like I want to throw up. After two weeks of trying to figure things out with the boy – not that we’ve done anything, but just trying to figure out why a guy tells me he’ll try to be less flaky, and then, wouldn’t you know it, he flakes off again – when, today, a couple of hours before my self-imposed deadline at which stage I’ll wipe his number off my phone if I haven’t heard from him, he texts. Yes, he ‘definitely’ wants to meet up with me. One thing I should know though, he’s started seeing his ex again.

Whoa.

A part of me thinks, wryly, ah, good. So that particular mutant power wasn’t confined just to the realms of Singapore.

A much more substantial part of me thinks, oh, I knew it. I knew something was off. And all this time, I thought I was just being a little insecure and paranoid, when, in reality, I friggin’ knew he was a player.

And I’m angry and upset. So upset I go off for a walk because I can’t stay in the office where I’ve spent so much of my time doing crappy work a second longer. And, as I walk, I sing, because that’s the only way I can make myself feel better, by just pouring my frustration into Where The Streets Have No Name.

A little later, while squatting down to look at some things in a shop, I find myself trembling.

Freakin’ hell. All this, over a boy. All of this unhappiness, over boys with the same name.

One day, I'll look back at this and laugh. But not today.

So, I swallowed my pride, and called JC after not receiving any replies to my texts sent a week ago. Even then, this was done only after I tried to figure out what to say if he picked up and it'd turned out he'd received my texts and was deliberately not responding.

He didn't answer. I hung up on getting his voicemail, feeling simultaneously disappointed and relieved. Disappointed because he didn't answer, but relieved because I'd tried, rather than just assume he was ignoring me. After all, I'd given it my best shot and this was better than having any regrets, yes?

Then, I got a text. I grabbed my phone. It turned out to be someone else, and I laughed at myself for being so silly and letting myself get my hopes up.

A little later, I got another text. It was the boy himself. He'd lost his phone and, consequently, my number along with it... For the second time in a row.

I'm happy again, as my self-esteem gets a boost. But then, the niggles begin. Do I really want to engage with someone who's that disorganised?

I'm starting to feel like Bridget Jones, except everyone I meet is some variant of Daniel Cleaver instead of Mark Darcy.

I got an incredibly sweet text from CG yesterday night. I didn't react to it very well, but, once I'd sobered up the following day, I recognised it for what it was: a nice gesture from someone decent who seems to value my friendship in the same way I value his.

It's one of the main reasons I decided to tell him. I just sensed he wouldn't run and hide from me just because this crazy, nutty older woman had had the misfortune to fall for him.

In a nutshell, he apologised for not returning my feelings, and that something similar had happened to him, only he was the one whose feelings weren't reciprocated, but that he and his friend are still good friends, and that he hoped the same would apply to us.

Like I said, very sweet. Unfortunately, I wasn't prepared for such a text, and a glitch with his phone meant that the text hadn't been sent when it was meant to be sent, which was the same day I told him.

So I reacted much like a wounded bear with a splinter in its paw does when someone's trying to help. I roared. I asked him to just get that I felt like an idiot, even though I was incredibly hammered, and that I'm not that tough a girl, and if he could just understand that this isn't easy on me, I'd be grateful.

And, apparently, he responded that he did get that, but this was after I passed out on my bed, still in my work clothes, both Blackberries beside my head (no, I don't know why that happened either). I only saw it when I woke up at half past six this morning, unable to remember anything after unlocking the door to my building.

So I replied, apologising for the aggression in my text the night before, and said I'd see him in a few weeks. Then I put on the Glee cover of Cyndi Lauper - True Colours and Savage Garden - Crash and Burn and let myself have a good cry.