Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The problem with love

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This...? It could go on forever."

- Meredith Grey, Season 7 Episode 22 Unaccompanied Minor

I couldn't have put it better myself, no matter how hard or how long I tried. The closing lines of Season 7 of Grey's Anatomy just hit the nail right on the head. I think anyone who's ever been in love - truly, madly, deeply in love - and lost that, can relate.

Have I experienced this kind of pain before? Of course I have. And more than once. And I've recovered.

But there are moments when I find myself hesitating - even panicking - just a little, unsure as to whether I truly want to get into something which could end up with my trying to pick up the pieces and re-assemble something which has been broken more than a few times and losing a bit of myself in the process.

I've often found it far easier to cope when things are getting tough when I didn't have a relationship to worry about, when I didn't have to be tough all the time, when I didn't have to pretend that I'd never need anyone to lean on, even just for a second.

When I'm alone, there's no one to disappoint or be disappointed by. There's no one who'll run the moment I need them. When I'm alone, there's no one around to catch the moments when my armour cracks and a tear escapes. Those moments don't happen often, but they do happen.

And, yet, I'm still out there, in search of that elusive someone. I don't know what it is I'm looking for, only what I'm not. I don't know if it's the right time or if there will ever be a right time.

To be honest, my heart's not quite in it right now because of the work and travel ahead of me. I suspect I'll have my hands full just trying to cope with that.

I don't know what the rest of this year will be like, much less the years to follow. I don't know if I can afford to get tangled up in romance given this uncertainty. I don't know if I can afford the heartache and pain that may well come with that.

I don't know if I want to learn what it's like to have someone to lean on again, even for just a second.

Perhaps I'm scared. But I cannot deny that, yes, sometimes, it's easier to be alone.

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