Wednesday, October 02, 2002

Sigh. It just seems like I'm bouncing between anger and sadness when it comes to "affairs of the heart" as they so elegantly put it.

Anger - because the ex seems to believe that by telling me to move on and get over him, that that somehow makes it so much easier to do.

Sadness - because the ex thinks that my anger is part of my getting over him process - by demonising and villifying him so that I'll get over him quicker.

Anger - that he'd think that of me.

Sadness - that he'd think that of me.

It's not as if I haven't been trying. I don't feel like having another relationship right now, although I'm still noticing cute guys, and still getting the odd crush or two. I've asked for some guy's phone number already since I've been back (and for the record, the first time I've ever just walked up to an almost-complete stranger with the intent of getting a phone number) and there's this guy I'm sort of partial to (but am not interested in getting into a relationship with, or even a fling). But it's not easy.

I gave my whole self away to him - heart, not-quite-body and mind, and it's not that simple a process to reverse.

A little voice inside of me so badly wants to say to him, "You'll find that out when you really do fall in love one day" but that wouldn't be correct. At least I hope that it wouldn't be correct. I need to believe that he actually did love me during our time together. I sacrificed a fair bit of myself to be with him, and I still haven't been able to forgive myself for that...

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