Saturday, November 16, 2002

I am absolutely exhausted... and the upcoming week promises to be an even more challenging and demanding week than the one ahead. It's hard to believe that I went clubbing today - but to a club which caters to people much older than I am - and was so... bored. I wasn't in the mood to club and spending time listening to cheesy music just made me miss my usual clubbing friends just so much more. There was even a point when I was just staring into space, distractedly sipping my whisky and coke at a much too fast pace, despite the fact that a pretty good live band was playing just behind me. And to prove a point, I'm still a little drunk, having some difficulty typing the words correctly the first time round. I suppose that's one of the best times to talk to people and write journal entries...

I have all these new friends which I keep going partying with, and yet I still hold a crucial part of myself back whenever I do club with them. I don't let them see the true extent of how crazy I can get when I dance, and all because... well, I'm still on probation and until my job gets confirmed, I'm really just too scared to let them know any part of the real me since I'm afraid there might be an impact upon that job confirmation. It's like university was the only time I let others see the real me. I wonder what happened to the self-confident girl that I once was. I mean, I know I can dance and that I do look good, but I'm too worried about what people here might think. In London, it was a different issue all together - people do much worse than the things I do, but back home, I'm scared that they'll disapprove of me as a person, thinking me too Western, or worse, too loose or too flirtatious. I'm not like that but I do like to dance and get up close and personal with people - guys and girls. Believe it or not, I don't give a second thought to the person I'm dancing with. To me, it's just dancing. It doesn't commit me to doing anything or to feeling anything for my partner of the moment.


No comments: