Monday, July 26, 2004

A lot has happened since I last posted, but I've just been too busy to get online to blog it.

I told someone that I liked him... and found out he didn't feel the same way.

Someone who I had thought wasn't interested in me and who I walked away from resurfaced in my life.

I had one of the best weekends in a very long time just last weekend.

And of course, the usual - I've been working really long hours.

But, first things first. I confessed to my friend that I had feelings for him, that I'd been having them ever since January but was hoping they'd go away because "hey, I don't do things like this." I wasn't expecting him to return the sentiment, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want him to.

He was stunned at first and his silence spoke volumes. From his mouth came a flurry of reasons. You're a great girl and I like spending time with you but... I don't feel the same way. I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't have any direction in my life right now. Our friendship is more important to me than getting into a relationship.

They're just words, really. Sentences designed with the intention of making me feel better. But I don't need those words. What I really want... is your honesty. If you're not interested in me because I'm not your type or if you're interested in someone else, just tell me. I can take it.  Don't give me all these cliched lines which don't mesh with one another. Don't give me a reason to be angry at you.

I'm glad I told you. Now, I can be a better friend, instead of wondering whether there's a hidden meaning behind every word, every action of yours. Now, I can move on. And it's rare to have found someone with whom you can be this honest. I trusted that you wouldn't run; that's why I came clean.

But... none of that can negate the embarrassment I feel at having willingly put myself in a position whereby I got hurt. None of that can take away the pain I feel at having my heart broken.

I thought I was okay... but then I saw you in intimate conversation with another girl, and once again, that searing pain went through me. Why I should feel that anguished when we never once had anything going on between us, I don't know.

But one thing I do know is that I've liked you for more than six months now. It's going to take time for me to get over you.

Last weekend was a fun weekend. On Friday, I went out to Phuture with a couple of old friends and made some new ones. Hip hop and grinding with some friends is always a sure-fire way to make me feel better.

On Saturday, I went out with the guy who I thought didn't like me. Turns out that he's been busy. He treated me to a nice dinner and coffee, and dropped me off at my friend's birthday party where I was, to my immense surprise, as social a person I've ever been despite my lack of energy, having slept at 6 am that same Saturday. I was operating on less than six hours of sleep, and yet, I was the friendly, funny, gregarious girl that has always attracted people. How bizarre. I ended up at Zouk again later that night, at the birthday boy's request (or rather, my punishment for having 're-broken' a glass door running away from E.). That night, I danced with the first boy that I've danced with since E left... and no, it wasn't him. It didn't mean anything though. It was just purely for fun.

I ended off the great night watching E. in deep conversation with a female friend, someone who had been spending the whole night by his side, feeling the pain which I thought I had let go once I had admitted my feelings to him come back in full force.

I'm leaving for London on Friday. On Wednesday night, I'll be having dinner with him before he returns to the US to work. Despite the fact that I've been open and honest with him so far, I think this time... will be different. I am not going to let him see my pain and I am definitely not going to let him see my tears.

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