I just got back from spending the night at CG's. No, nothing happened. We just spent the evening watching a comedy show, then went back to his to catch his favourite movie of all-time, Wes Anderson's The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, something which I'd been meaning to watch, but hadn't quite found the time or the motivation to. To accompany our movie watching was a bottle of claret which had been left over from my friend's wedding in Bordeaux, something I thought would appeal to the wine-loving CG.
I'll admit I was incredibly nervous. I was going to be going to his flat! By myself! Two of us, watching DVDs and drinking wine. Was this a date, or wasn't it? I know friends back home had the same question: have we done something that didn't involve watching movies, or was something recognisably date-like, such as having dinner without anything else attached? No, no we hadn't. That's why I'm still not sure whether he's interested in me, or just wants us to be friends.
The day before that, I'd posed that same question to a cultural anthropologist who also runs tours of London. Her answer was simple: if he's still going out with you, he's definitely interested.
I acknowledge the logic behind that, but I still don't think it's that cut and dried here.
Anyway, enough of that. Part of me's dying to find out if he likes me the same way I like him, but the other part's just happy to have someone cool and fun to hang out with, and doesn't want to ruin that. Besides, just knowing I'm going to see him makes me happy, and, for now, that's enough.
Once the movie ended at 11 pm, I figured I'd probably have enough time to catch the last bus home, even assuming we ended up chatting and drinking for another hour. What I didn't expect was that, inspired by Seu Jorge and David Bowie, he'd pick up his guitar and start playing. And not simple songs, but ones which were a little difficult, like an instrumental by Acoustic Alchemy which I'd heard many years ago but never knew the title nor the band behind it.
I'm a sucker for musicians, I'll admit. What music-loving girl isn't?
And then, he started singing. Not anything romantic, just songs he liked. Still, I melted... and I mentally said to him: Please do not do this. Please do not do anything which will make me like you more. Please do not do any of this if you don't feel anything for me.
If this scene had happened in a movie, and I were observing, I would have told him, "Dude, this girl wants you to make a move. Come on! Just look at her face and how she's looking at you."
And that's just it. He didn't try anything. He just played.
I ended up spending the night as, by then, I knew I was more than a little drunk and didn't quite relish the thought of getting home in that state. Now, I could have made it home as it wasn't that hard to get back, but, hey, the guy had offered his sofa-bed for me to crash on and, yes, I was still hoping that he'd do something.
When we got up the next morning - amazingly enough for me, without a hangover - we went for breakfast at a nearby cafe - my treat for the hospitality, as well as the fact that this was his last weekend of freedom before he starts his new job.
And after that, I went home.
And that's just it. I can't tell if he's interested, or whether he's one of those shy English boys who doesn't know how to make a move on someone (for which I'm simultaneously grateful for and annoyed at) or whether I'm just a movie buddy to him. And while I can be pretty direct when it comes to these things, my relationship with CG is not something I want to mess up, whether we end up being just friends or something more.
Knowing I'm going to be seeing him makes me incredibly happy, and that's a feeling I don't want to mess up by finding out that he's not interested in that way. It may sound sad that I'd rather believe in the illusion that he likes me than find out the truth, but... yeah, I like how things are at the moment. It wouldn't be so much of an issue if there wasn't the dreaded Friend Zone to be thinking of.
And the other thing? He's starting work this week. Leaving aside the fact that he spent his last weekend of freedom with me before commencing a job he knows will kill all his time from now till 12 months later, that's just it. It'll kill all his time from now till 12 months later. And I know all too well how it is going out with someone who's at a different stage in his life, and who's moving at a different speed. And the thought of getting involved with someone like that again? Well, it makes me panic and want to run, nay, flee the scene.
I know just because it happened before doesn't mean it'll be the same with another guy. It's just a little too soon after MD to be making the same mistake though.