The Power of Vulnerability and Storytelling - A Saturday well-spent

I had the exquisite and utter privilege of attending hugely inspiring workshop titled “The Power of Vulnerability and Storytelling” over the weekend. I found the workshop through a link in a WeAreTheCity bulletin and was intrigued by the title, given I’m interested in both topics (In brief, I’ve listened to a few talks on vulnerability, including one organised by The School of Life in 2012, and am also signed up to go to a talk by on storytelling next month).

Then I read the description. As it turned out, the workshop was going to be based on Dr. Brené Brown’s research and I thought, “I am so there!” 

This was the same speaker whose talk I so very enjoyed in 2012, and to whom I said (when it came to my turn to get my book signed) that, at the time, I'd attempted a career change which didn't quite work out and felt silly for doing so, and she responded something along the lines that doing something scary wasn't something to be ashamed of, but to be celebrated. 

After I registered for the event, paying an unbelievably low price given it was an all-day affair (and included lunch!), I must admit I experienced a small amount of uncertainty. Surely they got the pricing wrong? It can’t be for the whole day. What if it’s 10% personal development and 90% sales pitch and I get stuck there for the whole day? And so on.

Then the day arrived; I got up bright and early on a Saturday – the day I usually get to sleep in after a whole work week of waking up early for yoga – and headed to Covent Garden. As I had time, I decided to take the scenic route there, rather than the Tube. It was a beautifully sunny day, and when I got to the venue, and was told to head to the basement where the event was being held, I once again had second thoughts. Did I really want to spend such a nice day in a basement? Especially after a long, hard week of late working hours?

Of course, if you've read the opening sentence of this post, you'll know that I don't consider this Saturday a waste in the slightest, but I think I've given you enough context to see how apprehensive I was. I think that's been enough of a preamble, so let's dive straight into the workshops.

Part I: The Power of Vulnerability

Bethan Davies, founder of The Bravest Path, kicked off this session by asking all of us:

"Where do you want to show up, be seen and live brave?"

Such a big question! How on earth does one answer that? My response on the day surprised me because I was very honest. I said that we were planning to have kids, but that I was worried about the effect it would have on me personally. I love my job, I love where I am, but my support network is back home. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get a similar job back in Singapore if we do end up moving home. I recognise it'll be easier on us as a family, but my sense of identity and success is so tied up with my work that it's hard to let that go.

Key takeaways:

• Permission slips – I give myself permission to…
I liked this idea because it made me take stock of the day ahead and what I wanted to gain from it, and, more importantly, how I would approach it. By actively telling myself that I would be more open-minded, and that I would not over-think and over-analyse everything so much,   I became more aware of those behaviours and reactions and could tell myself to be more open, or be less critical whenever something came up.

• How does vulnerability make you feel – physically?
I stop making eye contact, my hands start to shake and it feels as though I try to make myself smaller. I don’t like it.

• Myths of vulnerability: Vulnerability isn’t weakness, and isn’t something that can be opted out of. It’s not oversharing, and no one can truly go it alone.
On the same day as the workshop, former US Olympic figure skater Sasha Cohen wrote an op-ed for the New York Times advising current Olympians how to prepare for life post-retirement. In the article, she referred to Michael Phelps’ admission that he felt depressed – even suicidal – after he retired. After all, when you’ve been in a highly competitive field all of your life, what do you do when, suddenly, you’re… ordinary? 

To quote from the article, "As athletes, we are taught to suck it up, to deny pain and fear, to push through debilitating injuries, to persevere through anxiety and depression. It is hard to know when you need help and which emotions are “normal” when you have spent years in a physically and emotionally demanding environment."

It's not just athletes who go through life with this philosophy. I think a lot of us know this all too well. We push ourselves hard, refuse to ask for help or talk about problems because it's just not the done thing. 

Gareth Davies, another coach with The Bravest Path, asked, "Why is it we acknowledge vulnerability as brave in others but shameful in ourselves?" So true. We cheer and admire heros on-screen and in real life when they put themselves out there, but when we do it, we feel like idiots.

• The Arena: The concept of the arena comes from a speech given by Theodore Roosevelt, and is featured in Brené's book, Daring Greatly:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. 

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

And so goes the idea of the seating plan of the arena. The arena is filled with numerous gremlins in the cheap seats, of those who built the arena (the people who benefit from the system you might be trying to change), the inner voices of self-criticism and self-judgement and your support section (both external - friends and family - and internal (self-compassion and self-kindness)).

When you enter the arena, what seats do you look to first? I’ll be the first to admit that I judge myself very harshly. I don’t necessarily celebrate my successes and achievements when they happen, but if I make an error, boy do I not let it go.

• The Armoury: How do you shield yourself from vulnerability, thereby impeding your ability to experience joy? 
Or, to use a financial analogy, by fixing your mortgage rate, you are protected from rate rises, but you don’t benefit from any falls in the base rate. It’s great for financial management, but maybe not so much for life management.

Part II: Storytelling

This was an incredibly lively workshop, thanks to the energy brought by Richard Garnett, the facilitator of this session. Prior to becoming a coach, Richard was a professional actor for 15 years. Apparently, the last workshop he ran for DevelopHer was one of their most popular ever, and I can certainly understand why after experiencing Richard for myself!

Most of us receive no training in storytelling. Communication is more like jazz (or as I tend to say about my line of work, it’s both an art and a science, there’re times when it’s more one than the other, and you have to adapt it for the situation or the audience.)

Storytelling is essentially how humans connect with one another. In the work place, it’s useful for influencing, inspiring and engaging. Outside of work, it’s helps us form connections with well, everyone. Research has shown that stories are 22 times more likely to be remembered than facts alone. As Brené puts it, "stories are just data with soul."

Key takeaways:

• Elements to a story: statement, explanation, facts, anecdotes, opinions, metaphor – these last three elements add imagery to the story – the pictures if you will.
• Three key points: logical sequence (beginning, middle, end), pictures and emotions. Our most vivid memories are in pictures, not words, and so it is with good stories. 
• It’s not just what goes into a story which counts, but how you deliver it. How much energy do you give your audience? According to the mirror neurons, you tend to mirror the energy given to you by your counterpart. If you mirror the energy given to you by the audience just as you start, chances are you’ll have lost even the most ardent fan by the end of the talk. It’s down to you to make them sit up and listen, and this can only be done by delivering your story at the appropriate energy level which is… LOTS. 
But beware falling into “The Prat Zone.” That’s when you go over the top and turn your audience off. How easy is it for you to tell how much energy you’re delivering though? It’s not, and when Richard had a volunteer come forward and demonstrate, it became evident that what you think of as over the top when it comes to your own delivery may just be the right level. It’s pretty similar to dance – the bigger the gestures and stylings feel to the dancer, the better it comes across to the audience.

What did I enjoy from the workshop?

I got the incredible opportunity to share my stories with others, listen to their experiences and truly connect. I’ve often come away from personal development workshops just thinking how much relief I felt in learning that others feel the same way I do, or have gone through the same things I have, but often forget that we’re more similar than we are different in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

I came away simultaneously exhausted and energised, if that makes sense. Even now, a few days after the workshop, I’m still enthusiastic and inspired. Prior to the workshop, I didn’t intend to apply to the coaching programme on offer, and now, here I am drafting my application (which this blog post forms part of!).

Even if I don’t get selected for the programme, I know I’ve already taken my first steps towards living my bravest year yet.

About the organisers

As you can tell, I had a lot of fun and have been thoroughly inspired by this workshop. If you would like to find out more about any of the organisations involved, here’s a little bit more about them:

• DevelopHer - a non-profit volunteer-run organisation “dedicated to bringing women in technology together to create both opportunities and a network of support through events, workshops and learning.” By women in technology, they mean women working in technical roles and women working in non-technical roles in tech firms. All of their events are open to men and women, regardless of their background and experience.
• The Bravest Path - a coaching organisation founded by Bethan Davies. TBP’s mission is to “rehumanise the workplace.” Coaches at TBP are licensed facilitators for the Daring Way, based on Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability.
• GSB Comms – a communications consultancy which provides training across a number of different areas, including listening, leadership and charisma.