Stupid stupid stupid stupid girl!

Ouch.

The only one left of my "old guard" of good friends leaves in about half an hour's time for the UK to do her Masters. The next time I'll see her, as with all my other good friends, is in just over a year's time. We've known each other since we were seven and I've always been in a country where at least three or more of my favourite people were in. But this year, it's different. I'm the first one among them to start work. It doesn't matter that I'll be getting higher pay by the time they start work. I miss having people around I can talk to and make stupid comments with and just laugh and laugh and laugh at absolutely nothing at all without having people think I'm mad.

To my good friend: Bye, take care, and see you soon, dear!

Today is the most miserable I've felt in a long time... since 1999 to be precise. I haven't been this perpetually close to tears since I broke up with my last boyfriend, and so unable to control myself... I guess I should have figured that this day would come sooner or later. The last time I had a day like this was about six weeks after I broke up with my first boyfriend in 1999, and guess what? Today's the sixth week after I broke up...

I couldn't really sleep last night either, after I was on ICQ with him. Sometimes just seeing him reminds me of the fact that he's 8000 miles away... and possibly... probably more than ten years away. I can't quite explain it. About how much I want him to be here with him, or to be there with him... and how happy I am to see him online, or just to listen to him on the phone, but at the same time, it hurts so bloody much to be reminded of the fact that he's no longer my boyfriend. That he's no longer here for me to touch, to smile at, to laugh with...

I just cried myself to sleep last night. Curled up in a little ball, hands over my face, just soundlessly crying. I tried to stop; I took deep breaths in an effort to stop the damned tears from coming, and then this sob escapes me, and that's it. The floodgates were opened. And when I finally fell asleep, I had a nightmare, and when I woke up, heart pounding, terrified, I instinctively reached out and realised that he wasn't there... that I was back in my own bed, in my own room, 8000 miles away...

I just threw myself into whatever could distract me today. My room's the cleanest it's been since I arrived home six weeks ago. I got to use the family jacuzzi for the first time since I got home - which is not all it's cracked up to be, since before I entered, I was quite awake, and now, my head feels like it's stuffed with oatmeal. But nothing's really helped. I wish I could do something other than just cry, but it's the only thing that brings me any sort of relief, if that's the proper word for it.

"Hope you feel better today," he said. Well, I don't. I don't at all. I just hurt so badly and I can't do a damned thing about it.

I really shouldn't be telling him this. He's my ex, after all, and shouldn't be subject to this. But if I keep it all inside, it just gets worse and I know that if that happens, I'll just pick up the phone...

Stupid Thing
by Nickel

I did a stupid thing last night,
I called you.
A moment of weakness.
No, not a moment,
More like three months of weakness.

I'm one step away from crashing to my knees.
One step away from spilling my guts to you.

I did a stupid thing last night,
I called you.
I'm doing all right.
No, don't feel sorry for me,
Really, I'm all right.

I'm one step away from crashing to my knees.
One step away from spilling my guts to you.

You see, there's this huge chunk of me missing.
It's gone.
And I can' feel it, I can't feel it,
I can't feel.

I did a stupid thing last night,
I called you.
It's the last time,
And maybe tomorrow night, will be the last time...

And I'm one step away from crashing to my knees.
(One step away from crashing to my knees)
One step away from spilling my guts to you.
(One step away from spilling my guts to you)
One step away from crashing to my knees.
(One step away from spilling my guts to you)
One step away from spilling my guts to you.
(One step away from spilling my guts to you)

I had a tough day at work today... my first full day of work, and already I had to ask questions about almost every piece of work I got. I'm already behind, and I'm going to get the same amount of work tomorrow, practically guaranteeing that I'll be constantly behind this week. Work's so much harder than I thought, and job security is uppermost in my mind, since it's widely acknowledged that I don't have any. If they told me tomorrow not to come in for work again, that's it. One day's notice, and very high standards. I'm terrified of not making it...

I was watching the series finale of Ally McBeal, and I remembered how much I loved the series when it first came out. How much I identified with Ally, and the notion of meeting and falling in love with this guy for the rest of your life... I remember crying during the sad episodes and although I felt that the last episode ever wasn't well produced or scripted, the acting wasn't bad, and once again I cried. The series ended with Ally leaving Boston to move to New York for the sake of her daughter, and during the last ten minutes, I found myself thinking that the hardest and toughest thing that I've ever had to do was to say goodbye to someone I loved. There's always this fear that things won't stay the same between you two. That the two of you will grow apart, and forget about the intensity of feeling and bonding between you. Watching Ally promise to always be in touch with her friends in Boston, I recalled asking, heart in my mouth, my then-boyfriend to promise to always be a part of my life... and when he agreed, I was so incredibly happy, even if only for that day.

Words are so easy to say, and equally easy to forget. I had that problem with my first boyfriend actually. He was wonderful with the written word, but... I needed more. I suppose every girl needs more than just letters and e-mails. Verbal and physical signs of affection, actual time spent with each other...

I've always been a sucker for love. I used to think I didn't fall in love easily, and that it would take time, but truth be told, it's quite easy to win my affection. You simply have to make me laugh, and to enjoy talking with you. That doesn't give you a one-way ticket to my heart though. That just means you get established among the ranks of people I love to hang out with. How I eventually end up falling in love with a person is a matter I have yet to figure out. I've only ever been in love twice after all...

I seem to be getting this cycle of missing, not missing, and then missing again. I'm right back into missing... and when I'm at that stage, my... I guess you could call them needs, change too. Like when I'm icqing him for instance, there's this part of me that so badly wants him to do something... something other than telling me what's been going in his life, and stuff like that. I'm not sure what I want him to say... something like "I miss you" or... I don't know! Do you ever get that feeling of just needing something other than what you get, and yet not knowing what it is?

It's just that when I miss him, it just hurts so badly, emotionally, mentally, and even physically... it's like I get this really tight feeling in my chest and I can't breathe. And I just want to call him and tell him how much I need him and that I wish I could get even just a hug from him right now.

Of course, I know the feeling will go away, but right when I'm feeling it, it just hurts so badly and I don't know what to do other than cry myself to sleep. I guess it would be an exaggeration to say that "I'm trying to keep from dying" like Buffy did (when she broke up with Angel in "The Prom") but... it sure feels that way sometimes. I left a great part of me behind with him when I left, and it's going to take a while to fill in the gap.