Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I’m in a state of limbo at the moment. There’s usually always something going on in my life, I know, and that’s the way it ought to be. Life is meant for living, not for being a spectator or any of that kind of thing. However, I am in a bit of a funk. There is something or some things major going on in my life, yes. I have alluded to that previously. At the same time, as I’ve written, I’ve decided to do what I do best – or worst – and push. I pushed CG into just breaking my heart once and for all, and I’ve most likely ended things with JC because I have had it with his constant rescheduling.

Maybe it’s the combination of the two – heartache and irritation – that I’m so down. I don’t think the former has influenced events leading to the latter (I certainly hope not), but I guess it can’t have helped. But the latter is certainly contributing to the former. As I told a friend, in spite of recent events which ostensibly make me very much a grown-up, I don’t feel like one. Grown-ups, I pointed out, don’t need to ask others to break their hearts because they’re incapable of moving on, nor do they need to worry about being irrational and mean when the circumstances justify being angry. Grown-ups shouldn’t feel like there’s something potentially wrong with them because everyone else keeps saying that there should be men queuing around the block to date them when, clearly, no such thing is happening.

But these thoughts only ever occur for a few hours, at the most. Then, I look at myself carefully and thoroughly and just realise that I’m living it up as best as I can, and that I’m an incredible person, no matter what anyone else thinks. And I turn to my most faithful love, music, to cheer me up.

And it works, for the moment, until Bill Callahan – Too Many Birds comes on. A beautiful song, but with too many memories attached to it. I can’t listen to that song right now without recalling CG singing it to me.

Perhaps I’ll have to remove some songs from my playlist, but hopefully, just for a short while.

And, maybe the next time some guy picks up a guitar, I’ll ask him not to play. After all, better safe than sorry. It's so much easier to move on when you're not in so deep.

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