Some time in May, because of the fact that I was going to be out of London for quite a fair bit of time, I decided to take a dating hiatus. I did have a few people ask me out during that time, but I'd asked to postpone any meeting up until after I got back from Australia.
And I felt so better for taking that pressure off myself, as dating, well, it's hard enough as it is, and I didn't think anything would come out of meeting someone and then going off for a few months, because, by the time I got back, surely any chemistry or good feelings would have faded.
So it was that I'd ended up embarking on a series of 'non-dates' with he who shall henceforth be known as CWS starting the night before I left for Singapore, continuing through to the time we were both in Australia all the way to the bank holiday weekend just past.
Long story short, this bank holiday weekend has quite possibly been the best one I've experienced in a while, despite having to work for part of yesterday. For one thing, after several weeks of my resisting, we finally kissed.
I know, I know, it would have been far better for me to have ended things and just tried my damnest to be friends with a guy whom I love spending time with, or tried to stick to my original plan of avoiding him entirely once he got back to London... but, as my friend put it, I'm pretty much f***ed as, having formed an emotional bond with him during our time in Australia.
It's only just a few days ago that I realised that, had it not been for the delay in the start date of my new job, I wouldn't have ended up spending that much time with him and I wouldn't be in this messy situation right now. I suppose, if one believed in concepts such as fate and destiny, this would be a big fat blinking red sign, but I don't. Fortunately.
That being said, I have had a wonderful time over the last few days just enjoying his company, the feeling of being held, and, of course, the kissing. It has been a while, after all, since I kissed someone when I wasn't incredibly inebriated.
Still, it's not like we've agreed to date or anything, and, in fact, have taken to referring to our meetings as 'non-dates', and I am still very honest about my desire to not get involved with him and telling him that he has to find someone who's actually willing to date him, but, of course, we both know that we're just making things very complicated.
And, to be honest, I'm not in a great frame of mind right now. I had a bad dream. Well, not a dream exactly, but... something, an experience, which made me wake up sobbing, not in fear exactly, but in great distress.
And it's not the first time I've had this bad dream. I've had it before with other guys I was, well, maybe not dating exactly, but definitely developing feelings for. And, right now, I don't know if it's more a sign of things to come or a symptom of just how I feel when things are getting serious.
It's probably very clear that I've a slight terror of love and being in love because I have no desire to let someone else have the power to hurt me, so maybe it's just that.
But, every time I've had that dream just happens to be around the time I'm close to getting involved with someone, and... well, I was very much hoping it had gone away because it is not a pleasant sensation to wake up, curled in a foetal position, unable to stop oneself from crying. I guess a part of me also thought that, if it doesn't happen with someone I'm dating, that he just might be the one, the person my subconscious instinctively recognises, you know?
And I know all of this is just silliness. Still, it's bothered me enough that I've been a bit of a wreck today, though it could also be due to the fact that, after two wondrous days of clubbing (House Rules featuring Norman Jay at Plan B, and Bookstock), and having to work yesterday, I am just plain tuckered out and no longer have the strength to wage battles on multiple fronts.
So, there you have it, a long and rambly post about love, life and everything else. I apologise for the poor quality of the post but I haven't quite had the time to do anything ever since I started working, what with my usual 12 hour workdays and long-ish commute!
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