In any case, this week, I have purchased:
- Two dresses (one shirt dress and one mini dress)
- Two top
- One jacket
- One very comfortable pair of gym trousers
- Some pretty designer lingerie
- One handbag
- A pair of earrings
- A watch
- An octopus ring (photo at end of this post)
It's all been part of my "damn it, I want to treat myself and blow a portion of my bonus!!!" mentality, although that, thankfully, there's a part of my brain that's still focusing on making sure I can pay my mortgage and retire someday too.
I'm also trying to figure out where to go before I head home for my annual visit.
I desperately desperately want to return to Buenos Aires to go for a milonga and continue horse-riding among other things, but the ticket's just as expensive as it was last year when I promised myself it was something I deserved after not having been on a proper holiday in two years. I'm also thinking of possibly going to the Big Apple as, this time, it'll be under happier circumstances than my maiden trip to New York.
I admit a large portion of my spending tends to be stress-related. What's been getting to me over the past few weeks has been work-related. I have an incredibly long notice period, and won't be getting any gardening leave because I'm not leaving for a competitor. When you consider that I really am the most effective, skilled member of my team, not to mention someone who's responsible to a fault, it means that I'm going to be doing my best to ensure nothing's dropped before I leave in a few months time, which probably means I'll be killing myself in the process.
Also, I'm terrified of my new move. It's something different, it's incredibly new, and the company I will hopefully be moving to is very small.
And there's the rub. You've noticed that I wrote "hopefully".
The company is tiny globally, so small that they don't have an HR department. Some might consider that a good thing, but the thing is that I've been chasing them for the past few weeks to clarify my questions and confirm certain points. And whenever I ask questions, they choose to ignore my questions and issue politely-worded ultimatums, after having not responded to my e-mails for over a week.
If it truly were that urgent, why is it suddenly on my head to get back to you within 24 hours when you've been ignoring me for ten days? I know they're busy. The whole sector's busy after all.
But shouldn't this be the period where I'm being wooed? The beginning of a working relationship, even before starting work, shouldn't be this fractious, surely?
To have them ask me why it is I've "suddenly" pushed my start date back when I've written to them over two weeks ago informing them of certain obligations I have to keep to, an e-mail to which they replied, albeit on another point... it makes me want to scream. I cried out of pure frustration after I read that e-mail.
A part of me remains convinced that once we're past this, we'll be fine, as we get along well on the phone and all, and perhaps they really have way too much on their plates to handle this at the same time, not to mention that my start date is quite far away.
Another part of me whispers what an ex-boyfriend said towards the end of our relationship - that my naiveté, my belief in the best of people was something he thought was really silly, and, yet, at times, one of the things he cherished the most about me. Fair or not, those words have stuck in my head, and, at times like these, come back and mock me.
I don't know if I'm being naive and refusing to acknowledge reality.
I don't know if I'm being stupid or deliberately dense.
I simply don't know.
I'm worried that by the time summer rolls around, I will have no job to go to, that I will have given up a senior position in an admittedly decent company and covering a sector which I feel is very exciting all for nothing. Yes, my current job may well bore me to tears at times, and I may be a step removed from the action, but, at least it paid the bills. And, as mentioned earlier, I still have a mortgage to cope with. I won't go destitute over the next 12 months, but, still, I'd never been in debt ever before buying my flat, so I guess that's my somewhat irrational reaction to anything which threatens my ability to service my debt obligations.
It's one big change after another, and, for someone who craves, nay, needs variety in her life, I simply don't cope with change very well.
On another front, there's my having to nag my brother to get certain things done. I don't want to get too much into it, as it involves my family, but, long story short, it turns out that my brother's much the same as two of my friends' boyfriends: they all need to be nagged to death before they get anything done. It's like running around after an overgrown kid. The fact that the men involved happen to be the same age hasn't been lost on my friends and me. If they're older than we are and still like that, I really don't know if they'll ever change.
So I have this theory that one reason why I'm rather hesitant about even getting into a relationship is because I have no energy left. I'm chasing after my new employer, I'm dealing with my current one, I'm chasing after my brother... what little energy that remains, I utilise on stress-relieving activities, like dance classes, and shopping. Dating is just a little too stressful.
As an aside, this incredibly long post may just tell you how I came about my pseudonym. I have this wonderful ability to go off on what may seem like tangents, but manage to get back to the main thread of the conversation and tie them all up neatly. Ta dah!
If you've managed to make it this far, then thank you very much for reading. I know it wasn't easy.
One last thing before I go. Here's the octopus ring.
Very bling, yes? It's all part of my super-premium-luxury-VIP lifestyle, don't you know, darling.