Thursday, April 14, 2011

Post-My Single Friend... Still Single

So the time has come for me to call it quits on My Single Friend, the online dating site I've been on for over four months. I was e-mailed by a few people, met up with three and had a few add me to faves but didn't do anything when I responded positively.

Of the three I met up with, one was patently unsuitable from the very beginning, the next was nice to talk to and all but it kind of felt like an extremely slow-burning relationship if there was anything there at all (not to mention I got the sense he was dealing with some family issues), while the third was the most promising, with us getting to the third date stage.

But that's where it stopped.

He seemed to have fun on our last date over a month ago and said he'd really like to see me again, but he didn't contact me after that. I did send a text after I got home telling him I had a great time, but, nope, no response.

I haven't tried getting in touch since, as I'd realised that I'd set up all of our three dates so far, and, if he's not even trying that early in the game, it's not worth my while. I know he's busy, but so am I, and if I'm willing to give it a shot - if I think someone's worth it - I expect no less from the guy.

And, no, we hadn't kissed, so, no biggie. Part of it was that while I thought he was interesting, I wasn't really feeling the physical attraction, which I guess, has always been a problem of mine. My longer-term relationships have been built on more of an intellectual foundation, while the ones that were short and intense have been more physical. And I'm really looking more for the former, than the latter, which may have contributed to my just not feeling it.

That, and the fact that after our second date, I found something which led me to believe that he'd lied about his age on his profile. I mean, he looked older than the photo that was on the site (quite a few gray hairs) and that in itself wasn't a big alarm bell, but, through the power of Google, it appeared that he'd shaved four years off his age, making him almost a decade older than I am.

I admit I freaked out. I didn't confront him, but it unnerved me. My friends said I was overreacting, and that an age gap of close to ten years wasn't that big a deal, and that I should give him a chance. But, for me, I'm honest to a fault. I'm a person of integrity and it shows, even in job interviews. I don't understand why anyone would want to lie about something which is so easily discovered. And, on a related point, if they are lying about something as basic as that, what else could they be lying about? And what else will they cover up in the future?

For that matter, even the first guy I dated off the site turned out to have misrepresented himself; he lied about his job. Instead, he put the job he wanted, as opposed to the job he was actually doing.

In any case, I haven't been out on a date for over a month and I'm not really looking because of the work situation. If someone comes along, I'm not going to say no, but I just don't have the energy or the patience to put myself out there right now. I was meant to go on something which sounded cool if rather frenetic this weekend but it got postponed to May, so we'll see if that still happens, seeing as I'm filling up my weekends with all sorts of funky events. I do worry that people look at me and think I'm far too busy and active for them to keep up with, but I'm also not going to sit around and miss out on things because I have no one to go with.

On top of that, I'm kind of feeling a little... not commitment-phobic but, as Julie Delpy put so beautifully in Before Sunset:
Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I never fully recover. That is why I'm very careful with getting involved because it hurts too much. Even getting laid, I actually don't do that. I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things. 
Not that I'm suffering from any of the Internet dates I went on. Far from it. The only aftereffect I'm suffering from is a general pessimism on dating in general and wondering how I'm actually going to meet people from now on.

But... yes. I'm just wary about getting involved with anyone because I'm scared of getting hurt, of becoming more damaged than I already am. I don't think it'll stop me from going after someone if I think he's worth it, but it will take a lot more effort to get me to actually notice that guy if he ever pops up.

Gah, I sound like such f***ing hard work, don't I? I'd like to go all L'Oreal and say, "because I'm worth it" but that's really not my call!


Anonymous said...

Don't give up! That's the lesson in all of this, you can't give up.

Biscuit hasn't had much luck with MSF he does better on OkCupid but I've had lots of fun with MSF, in fact I'm thinking of rejoining.


Little Miss Random said...

T: I'm not giving up. I just have no real idea what the next step is... or didn't... until now!

Check this out: What's Your Price. I'm feeling generous.

Anonymous said...

It's different strokes for different folks.

I had friends rave about MSF, but it didn't work for me AT ALL. I got no dates, the only email responses I had were to tell me that they weren't interested and the only guys who added me to their favourites were old guys who I wasn't interested in. It was a waste of time.

However, I try other sites and I get a completely different response. Try different sites hun, see which one works the best for you.

Like TheWedorDeadWager said - Don't Give Up!!

Little Miss Random said...

Thanks, TSF! I'm not giving up, it's been far too interesting a journey for me to give this up. If nothing else, I'll have plenty of stories to regale my clowder of cats and my friends' grandkids in thirty years' time.

And, just to clarify in case anyone had any strange ideas, I am most definitely not ever going to go on What's Your Price. It's most definitely not me!