Thursday, April 28, 2011

Is something wrong with me? No? Damn.

I had a much-needed catching up with the Person yesterday; she told me all about her holiday and how, just sometimes, it ain’t that easy being part of a couple when the boyfriend suffers from the curse of being born in the dreaded Year of the Eternal Child (something another friend’s boyfriend and my brother occasionally suffers from).

In return, I told her about how I’d sort of rediscovered my focus. I still haven’t quite found it fully (hence the 'sort of'), but I feel as though I have a renewed sense of purpose, and am trying not to stress about the things I have no control over, and, that as long as I’ve done the best I could, that’s really all I can ask for. Still, I acknowledged that I couldn’t change that part of me overnight, but, nevertheless, I was  still trying.

Then, it was time for her to get an update on other parts of my life. Like all females, we’re all incredibly nosy about each other’s love lives. Sadly, there was nothing for me to update her on, other than the fact that I had no clue what to do next, and that I was grappling with trying to come up with a decent user name. Then, we moved on to heavier matters. Rather than my attempting to capture what we talked about, I’ll just type out our dialogue:

Me: Maybe I’m just meant to be alone for the rest of my life.
Her: No, you're not. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a great girl who’s actually quite level-headed.
Me: I kind of wish there were something wrong with me. That way, there’s still something I could change, something I could do that I could hope would result in something, you know?
Her: There’s nothing wrong! You’re doing all the right things.
Me: And I go out to parties and stuff, but it’s hard. I mean, I get there, I’m by myself and I try to have fun but I just feel so awkward for standing around while everyone’s clearly come with people. And I’m standing there, all dressed up, feeling like a social reject.
Her: That’s crazy! You’re really brave. You’ve gone out to so many of these things by yourself and you’re incredibly brave for doing so. I couldn’t do it. Don’t be an idiot.

I guess quite a few people in my situation probably go through that phase: wondering if there’s anything wrong with them, whether there’s anything that needs to be changed, whether their best is good enough.

And, for the most part, I do know that I am an amazingly awesome human being. But, there are still times I wonder.

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