Don't Settle

You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

- Steve Jobs, commencement speech, Stanford University, 2005

There are many things that one cannot prevent. One can no more stop the stars from shining than one can stop the tide from coming in. In the same way, I just cannot seem to prevent my mind from going around in circles over this, for lack of a better word, problem.

I know what it is a rational, logical person would do under these circumstances. And I am, indeed, a rational, logical person with common sense in spades. This, I realised today, when talking a client through the trends in the industry I work in, despite only having been working in this sector for just over a month now.

Yet, that main strength in work, is something which fails so very often when I think about love and relationships. My all-too-compassionate and foolhardy heart seems to win out over my wisdom nine times out of ten.

Now, coming across that paragraph from Steve Jobs, I find myself wondering, just what is settling exactly? I've been rather miserable and happy at the same time over the past few weeks because of CWS. He makes me happy. He's such a great guy: nice, friendly, cheerful, adventurous, loves life, coffee and music... and he's incredibly sweet too, When we were both in Australia, he greeted me with a gift of chocolate, having noticed something I'd Tweeted a few days ago. Several days later, he'd bought me a bottle of perfume, to thank me for the unexpectedly wonderful weekend we had. He also refused to let me pay for anything, though I did my typical thing by paying behind his back.

As a sidenote, the weekend we shared included this highlight: he and I sitting near Milson Point, looking at the stars shining down on us in the southern hemisphere, him having the advantage over me by getting to do the romantic thing and pointing out constellations. And, as with the previous time I was stargazing with a man, it was very romantic, only this time, I was with someone I felt really comfortable with.

I hate that we have reached this point where I will most likely be breaking his heart if I should choose not to continue this any further. I never wanted either one of us to get hurt. That's precisely the reason I kept telling him I didn't want to date him because of his child from a previous relationship.

And, to be honest, at this point, I'd probably be breaking my heart just a little bit too, should I decide that.

So, and here's where I return to Steve Jobs' quote. Would trying to see how this would work truly be settling as my friend seems to think? I've apologised to CWS for not being intelligent enough to run, nor brave enough to want to give it a go. How can something which requires courage - the courage to accept his very physical baggage, and to acknowledge that there will be times when someone else will be his number one priority, someone which I will never have any sort of link to, as well as the courage to, well, just fall in love - be considered settling?

At the same time, I don't know if I can make this decision without gathering as much information as I can, namely, by trying my very hardest to go out with other men and see what they are like, what they bring to the table, and, more importantly, to keep my mind clear and minimise the risk of my forming any inappropriate attachments to any one guy.

There, you see? My rational mind has resurfaced. If only it could yell louder so that I could hear it over the beating of my heart whenever he's around.

Yes, I know that last line is maudlin and cheesy. But it does happen. And I couldn't resist.

Good night.