Okay, it really was a temporary setback. Plus all of a sudden, after three relatively stress-free weeks, I've got a fair amount of work, which always helps when you're a little confused.

I'm just a little angry now. Now... I'm lonely again.

I just... want someone who yearns for me when I'm not there.
I want you to love me as much as I love you.
I want you to ache with loneliness whenever I'm not around, to hurt whenever I yell and snap at you.
I want you to want me too.
I want you to be someone I don't need to hide my tears and fears from, to be someone I know won't judge me.
I want you to recognise that the times I appear to be pushing you away are actually the times when I need you to comfort me, to hold me tight.

I want you to be worth the time and effort I spend on you, to be worthy of me, like no other person I've loved has been.

Ah, the power of positive thinking. I'm feeling better now. I guess it was just a temporary glitch, the kind when you're reacting to an unexpected shock, and had had no time to prepare for. But now... I guess I'm okay. I was just kind of blindsided earlier today by everything.

I've also utilised the power of logical thinking here. What could I have done anyway? I'm here, he's there, that's that.

And while there's a part of me that's an old-school romantic, there's also another side of me that's been becoming a bit more of the modern man-eating woman, a trend which is regretably not at all desirable in a Catholic, but at least, hey, I'm not planning to have any one-night stands with people. I'm not planning to let any guy get that far.

The problem with being in a completely chaste relationship is that you have to look for a lot of rather... ordinary qualities in people - intelligence, personality, charisma, looks, sense of humour... and not the physical chemistry, since that tends to accelerate the pace of a relationship beyond what a good Catholic should allow. A pity since it's the last quality which makes everything so exciting, so worth trying out.

In any case, remember the guy who I'd been agonising about a few weeks back? He's been sick. Not seriously ill, but bad enough to have had to rest the last few weeks. As such, I haven't really been talking to him - he's not allowed to talk, according to the doctors anyway - and I've been given some time to think everything over. And guess what? It seems like the irrational fear has gone away and that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to give this another shot.

But I do like being single, unattached and able to do anything I want. Oriental females who go out with Caucasian men are usually not shrinking violets in bed, as a local newspaper reported a few weeks back, and I certainly do feel that same attitude now... and not just towards after-dark activities!

Rrrrrowl.

Oh. He's already got a girlfriend. I knew that. He told me last time we met.

Sigh. It's always good to hear that your ex is no longer... yours.

I woke up today to an SMS informing me that a friend of mine had "developed feelings" for my ex. I didn't quite know what to think. I went through the usual gauntlet of emotions that every female feels when anyone is attracted to her ex - the primitive urge to assert (ex) property rights. Basically, just wanting to fly up there and kick a**, saying, "Get your hands off him, he's mine!"

The other emotion that struck me was... a mixture of paranoia and hurt. The need to call him and find out what his response was. And the need to tell him - please, not her. Or anyone else that I know for that matter.

It's said that ex-es can remain friends up till a certain point. When one of them moves on, and gets together with someone else, that's when everything falls apart. I would have liked to say that I didn't believe in that, that my ex and I could have remained friends till the end of time as that's how strong our friendship is.

But I don't think that's true. A large part of our friendship is predicated on flirting, and sexual attraction. In other words, the relationship that exists between us can never be platonic. That'll always be attraction involved. And when such a mixture exists, the moment one of us moves on to someone else (or maybe in this case, if he moves on...) then... I guess our friendship, as we know it, will disappear.

I really hope that doesn't happen though. I cherish the joy and the happiness that you've given me. You've made me happier than anyone and anything else has on this earth. And for you to vanish from my life... I wouldn't know what to do.

But going by how I feel now... especially having spent such an enjoyable time with you recently... if you get together with another girl... worse, if it's someone I know... I'd much rather never talk to you again, than to have to see you with her.

I just remembered. I watched Baz Luhrmann's Strictly Ballroom earlier today too. It's not a bad movie (though definitely not as good as Kill Bill). It's, you guessed it, a movie about ballroom dancing. More to the point, it's about a champion dancer, Scott (played by Paul Mercurio, apparently an internationally acclaimed dancer), who's tired of dancing the same old movies and wants to dance his own steps. The movie is based on a play (which is quite surprising - I don't imagine ballroom dancing making a good play, quite frankly), and the actress who plays Fran, Tara Morice, is also the same actress who plays her on stage.

Anyway, I liked the show quite a bit. The dance scenes were nicely choreographed, and I felt they captured the emotion and appeal of the Latin dances (specifically the rumba and the paso doble). I fell in love with the rumba once more. I definitely want to have that as my wedding dance. And the same thought occurred to me as it did a few years ago - that I could never have a regular dance partner without falling in love with him. Just watching Scott dance, and the look that was in his eyes, I fell. The intensity that he looked at Fran - even when it was just pretend - was so great that I wouldn't have been able to distinguish between the fantasy that is the dancefloor and the reality.

Objections: Why didn't the father, Doug, speak up before? If everything was based on a misunderstanding that occurred like twenty or so years ago, why didn't he simply speak up before the day of the championship? I find it unbelievable that it was never once a topic of conversation especially since the four parties involved in that misunderstanding still spoke to each other on a regular basis? And how could Fran possibly become that good in three weeks? Although I would love to believe that anyone could improve their dancing abilities that quickly, I don't think it's possible.

I like the underlying message though: Vivir con miedo es como vivir a medias. That's a Spanish proverb and it means "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived."

I do miss social dancing. And having a partner. My standards for my dance partners are much higher than my standards for potential life partners! And given that I'd be most likely to fall in love with my dance partner, then I guess that's a good thing!

Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
- George Bernard Shaw

Too true.

Just watched Kill Bill, Vol. 1. It's like the best movie ever. Okay, fine, I exaggerate. But it seriously is one of the best movies I've ever watched... and definitely one of the bloodiest too! Though I usually get turned off by gratuitous blood and violence, this was done in inimitable Tarantino style, and hence, I didn't - couldn't - object.

Basically, as I explained to my friend just before the movie started, Kill Bill is about the nameless bride (played by Uma Thurman) who's an assassin who wants to leave her group, the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. Because of this, she is attacked by her ex-group members and left for dead. She survives, just barely, remaining in a coma for four years, before awakening and in search of revenge.

In Volume 1, she goes after two of her ex-group members, O-Ren Ishii (aka Cottonmouth, played by Lucy Liu), a half-Japanese, half-Chinese assassin, now the head of the Japanese Yakuza, and Vernita Green (aka Copperhead, played by Vivica Fox), an African-American knife specialist who has now chosen to live a decent life, having married and now the mother of a four-year old daughter. The remaining three members, I guess we'll see in Volume 2, only out in February.

This movie is similar in style to Pulp Fiction in that it starts in the middle, goes to the end and then returns to the beginning. Perfect for someone like me, as I tend to read Book 2 of a trilogy, then read the last book, before returning to Book 1. Anyway, there're other ingenious parts to this movie, like the use of anime in one of the flashback scenes, which was, in my opinion, brilliant, given that this movie was obviously heavily influenced by Japanese samurai movies. There're fight scenes in black & white, as well as in silhouette, all of which might have come off as showy in other movies, but not this one.

The dialogue's not too bad either, although there're some parts which I just couldn't help laughing at. Heck, I was laughing at like 80% of all of the fight scenes (which I'm sure was Tarantino's intent). The fighting is stylish as well; how could it not be with Yuen Wo-Ping as a technical director? And the soundtrack? The choice of music was both hilarious and appropriate. They played really dramatic music whenever Thurman came face-to-face with her intended victims, and rather '70s clubby rock bits during the bloodiest fight scene. It kind of felt as if I was in the most violent club ever, but hey, it was fun.

SPOILERS! Some minor objections though: I think Sophie would have died from loss of blood long before she could have been sent to a hospital. I mean, her arm was chopped off and blood was spurting everywhere! And c'mon! Four years and she couldn't have changed her ringtone? She's half-Japanese for goodness' sake. For that reason alone, her ringtone should have changed like a billion times over by then! And why on earth were Liu's and Thurman's characters speaking in Japanese (badly-accented at that) during the fight scene when they both preferred to speak English at other times?

Sonny Chiba's appearance in the movie was cool. I haven't seen any of his movies, but I think it's awesome how Tarantino chose to pay homage to him by having him appear in Kill Bill. The scene in the sushi house was very funny, although I'm not sure if any of that was typical Japanese behaviour. And while we're on that note, I like how Sophie translated O-Ren Ishii's speech in English to the Yakuza heads. Apparently the F-word is the same in both languages. Heh.

The confrontation with the Crazy '88s reminded me immensely of the Matrix Reloaded confrontation scene where Neo is faced with multitudes of Agent Smiths to fight off. And these guys were all in black too! Go-Go Yubari was quite funny too, and I like her spunk and craziness.

The Copperhead confrontation scene was kind of cute too, with a fight to the death interrupted by the arrival of Vernita's daughter. I like how both females hid their weapons and spoke to the child in friendly terms, trying to get the kid upstairs so that they could resume their unfinished business. And when Vernita, after managing to persuade Nickie to go upstairs, casually turns to Thurman and says, "Want some coffee?" It's just so freakin' funny. I have to admit, the end of the scene, when Nickie walks in to see Thurman kill her mother does leave a lot to be desired.

While Kill Bill doesn't do anything for the cinematic genre - it doesn't offer anything dramatic or new, like Pulp Fiction did, it's still one heck of a good movie. It's incredibly violent, yes, but not in a tasteless way, and it's definitely one of the best movies I've watched this year.

Asking someone to repeat a phrase you'd not only heard very clearly but were also exceedingly angry about was around Defcon II in the lexicon of squabble.
- Witches Abroad by Terry Pratchett

So true... and so cleverly phrased! Pterry is one of the most hilarious writers I have ever read.

Elliot: Look, I was planning on coming here and telling you that you'll always come first. But, the truth is that's not a promise I can keep. But the one thing I can guarantee you is that, when it's my decision, I'll always choose you. (pause) But if that's not enough, I understand.
- Scrubs (Episode 3.02) - My Journey

Awww. More seriously, this is so incredibly accurate for us working people.

Moving my body to the groove of a pulsating beat is fun.

But I have to admit, moving my body alongside another body in even funner - whether in harmony, or counterpoint!

Ahhhh. Thanks to a fellow clubber, I've found a really good trance internet radio site - Digitally Imported. I'm currently listening to Armin van Burren's Boundaries of Imagination album, which is fantastic. I wonder why I hadn't heard of AvB until returning back home?

Met a local trance DJ at a relatively new club, Hideout, last night too, thanks to the same friend, and listening to his set (as well as the bartenders who were mixing whenever the DJ came over to talk to us) was nice, since some classics were dropped, including Paul van Dyk's For an Angel and my ultimate favourite of all time, Sasha's Xpander (which interestingly enough, I learnt the reason why it's so rarely dropped/mixed is because the track has very little bass).

The Washington Post - and its readers - are wonderfully funny. The Post holds this Style Invitational contest whereby they're asked to combine/merge/alter various things and come up with something new. Once, readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable description of the merged book. The prizewinners:

"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.

"Green Eggs and Hamlet" - Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.

"Where's Walden?" - Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.

"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane.

"2001: A Space Iliad"- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.

"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.

"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?

"Jane Eyre Jordan" - Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.

"Looking for Mr. Godot"- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a loooong wait.

"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" - An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-RevolutionFrance.

"Lorna Dune" - An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.

"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" - A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.

"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"- Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir, which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing "To Fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill.

"Of Three Blind Mice and Men" - Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?

"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" - Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and regained the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.

"Paradise Lost in Space"- Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and two annoying children.

"The Exorstentialist" - Camus psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.

My country has compulsory military conscription which all young male citizens have to go through. Recently, there were three separate and unrelated incidents of death during training, one of which occurred during so-called POW training in which the trainee's head was held under water for a total of four times, resulting in water getting into his lungs, and his consequently dying. Six others required medical attention after this same training. All of the trainers involved as well as the top commander have been suspended for conducting training which had not complied with the lesson plan.

One man who had undergone the same training a couple of years ago subsequently wrote into the newspapers and stated that the training was tough but not impossible to complete. Instead of pointing fingers of blame, he suggested that we should look into the quality of the soldiers now and see why it is that these people are not able to cope with the training despite the renewed emphasis on training safety over the past few years. In other words, and he did write this, are the soldiers too soft?

When a soldier dies during training, during something which is blatantly within his commander's control, I hardly think the correct conclusion would be: "Seeing as no deaths had occurred previously, the contents of this training should not have been the cause of death. So, it must be the fact that the deceased was unable to handle such training, which by virtue of the fact that so many others had managed to survive it, must be of an acceptable level. Therefore, the deceased was not strong enough i.e. he was too soft."

In response to the writer, all I can say is: Are you completely and utterly out of your mind? How could that possibly be a valid conclusion? Better yet, why don't you go up to his family and tell them what you've written? And his friends? Show some sensitivity, man, even if you can't seem to think straight.

Tiesto's set yesterday night was a little disappointing. Granted, the set could be described as being of above average in quality for any other DJ. However, having heard of his DJing prowess for some time, I can only conclude that there was much unachieved potential last night. Still, it must be noted that Tiesto did only have two hours for his very first set in Asia ever, and that may have contributed to the mediocre set. In addition, the overly strong bass of the sound system did kill off some of the nicer tunes dropped.

Moment(s) of the night:
- Meeting up with a US visitor who I had met last week when I went to a swing dance workshop.
- When Tiesto dropped Radiohead - Street Spirit (Tiesto remix). Awesome. My favourite song from one of my favourite bands.

On another note, I'm really starting to fall in love with Tiesto's Close to You (featuring Jan Johnston on vocals) from the In My Memory album.

Close To You

I wouldn't call it time well spent
Repeating to myself again
Find comfort in an endless stream of moments
I don't even care, about the way I feel today
Because it changes anyway
Something will make me cry or smile
Another picture on my pile

Now I'm standing close to you
It's just something that I do
When I need love to be enough
I wish love could be enough
'cause there is nothing more appealing
Than the thought that I could be enough

Do you find solace in the sun?
Do you consider life as one?
Do you believe there is a limit
To how fast a man can run?
Someone said you're born alive
Well I don't feel that alive

No I don't feel that alive

I don't feel that alive

Now I'm standing close to you
It's just something that I do
When I need love to be enough
I wish love could be enough

'cause there is nothing more appealing
Than the thought that I could be enough...enough

In a world where I often feel as though I'm less than all of my friends, it's kind of reassuring to find that some of my incredibly capable friends feel the same way. I frequently feel as though I know less, have less energy, am nowhere near as sparkling or as interesting as my friends, and that, perhaps, I should just stop going out with them to stop feeling that way. They're incredibly good company, but sometimes, they're fun yet kind of a dampener at the same time.

Although I may seem - to the people who I've just met - a little cocky at times, seeing as I do state (jokingly) that I am rather attractive/intelligent/whatever, really, it's just because I kind of need someone to tell me that. Not just anyone, but a someone I trust. And it's been a long, long time since anyone said I was smart and capable.

Sigh.

According to Mind Media, my Brain Usage Profile is as follows:

Auditory : 50%
Visual : 50%
Left : 57%
Right : 42%

You are somewhat left-hemisphere dominant with a balanced preference for auditory and visual inputs. Because of your "centrist" tendencies, the distinctions between various types of brain usage are somewhat blurred.

Your tendency to be organized and logical and attend to details is reasonably well-established which should afford you success regardless of your chosen field of endeavor, unless it requires total spontaneity and ability to improvise, your weaker traits. However, you are far from rigid or overcontrolled. You possess a degree of individuality, perceptiveness, and trust in your intuition to function at much more sophisticated levels than most.

Having given sufficient attention to detail, you can readily perceive the larger aspects and implications of a situation or of learning. You are functional and practical, but can blend abstraction and theory into your framework readily.

The equivalence of your auditory and visual learning orientation gives you two equally effective sensory input systems, each with distinctive features. You can process both unidimensionally and multidimen- sionally with equal facility. When needed, you sequence material while at other times you "intake it all" and store it for processing later.

Your natural ability to use your senses is also synthesized in your way of learning. You can be reflective in your approach, absorbing material in a non-aggressive manner, and at other times voracious in seeking out stimulation and experience.

Overall you tend to be somewhat more critical of yourself than is necessary and avoid enjoying life too much because of a sense of duty. You feel somewhat constrained and tend to sometimes restrict your expressiveness. In any given situation, you will opt for the rational, and learning of almost any type should be easy for you. You might need certain ideas explained to you in order to fit them into your scheme of things, but you're at least open to that!

I just realised - it's not just you who makes me happy. It's the fact that I make you happy that makes me happy. Not in a vicious, malicious, competitive, let's-see-if-any-other-girl-can-make-you-laugh-that-much kind of way, but in a you're-happy-so-I'm-happy kind of way.

Am I allowed to miss you this much and still be just a friend?

Oooh. Check this out - the winner of the most phallic building in the world. Be sure to check out the best uncircumcised building too!

Was flipping through a Far Side cartoon book while at Borders today and spotted one with a chicken on one side of a road, and sign on the other, with huge lettering that read, "THE OTHER SIDE. WHY NEED A REASON?"

Heh. I love stupid jokes.

Speaking of humour, there's this old gem of a piece from SatireWire that came out in February 2002 after Bush made his infamous "Axis of Evil" speech. It may be old but it's still one of the best pieces of satirical political humour that I've read.

Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

A friend told me about this: Go to Google, type in "Weapons of Mass Destruction" and then click on "I'm Feeling Lucky". Read the page that pops up very carefully. If you still don't get it, then please check that you've got this page. Ha ha!

You're Most Like The Season Summer ...

Whoa.... Passionate eh ?? Typically you're a fiery,
zesty dominant person. As the hottest season,
you certainly ooze Sex appeal. You have
confidence which draws people to you, and you
have the makings of a good leader.
However sometimes your exterior is stronger then
you are and so you scare people off before they
can get close.

Well done... You're the most memorable of seasons
:)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

That makes how many so-called personality tests that say I'm sexy and passionate? Well, if it's on the Internet, it must be true.

According to my birthdate, I'm:

"Competitive and sporty. Don't like to lose and are always cheerful! You are trustworthy, and very outgoing. You
choose love carefully, and don't fall in love easily. But once you find the right one, you don't let go or a long time."

Kind of true. But as with all personality tests, they're vague enough to fit anyone. I can't imagine anyone who, once they have found "the right one", would easily let them go. I mean, c'mon. And who the heck likes losing? I sure don't. Give us a little more credit than that, mate.

It's been weird lately. Saw my... friend yesterday evening in an effort to dispel what I'd been feeling since my return from vacation - trepidation, irritation and a slight bit of fear. I'm not sure why I'd been feeling that. No, I lie. I have a pretty clear idea as to why I'm feeling that way, but I'm still uncertain due to the fact that I tend to overanalyse things to death. Obviously, there's the irritation with certain qualities... which only arose after my eyes had been opened to what I'd been missing. Then there's the apprehension and fear - that this guy has only been seeing me since July and he can feel so strongly about me, to the point where he's declared that I've stolen his heart, and that he's most likely going to ask me to be his girlfriend. To be fair, up till now, I haven't exactly given him any reason to think otherwise... but the thing is that I've been clubbing with him twice, met him around my workplace twice and then he picked me up at the airport and spent like two entire days with me since... July!

Ever before going overseas, I'd been getting the feeling that all of this is moving a little too quickly for me - and that's a sure way to scare me off. I'm not sure I have the time for a relationship right now, especially one with this guy. He gives me the impression that he'd love to see me every single moment... and there was a time that I would like that. But not now. Not anymore. I need my own space. I don't want to spend every single night talking to him or seeing him. I know, I know, it's like I've suddenly changed after he declared his very strong feelings for me... But I've been getting a bit more guy-like when it comes to relationships ever since London. Pretty much I've been flirting a little, but not wanting to get into any serious relationships, and when guys come on too strong, I avoid them until they stop calling me.

Yesterday evening, I was thinking that okay... maybe it won't be too bad just going out with him for a bit until he finally pops the question and then I can tell him how I really feel. It's scummy, but I feel so bad for comparing him with someone that he couldn't possibly hope to match up to. I thought he was smooth, but now, I've realised that he's clumsy smooth, not at all like the good, persuasive smooth that so pervaded my life in my final year.

And I feel even worse for letting these rather strong feelings of nervousness and trepidation overpower what I used to feel for him. I don't know if they'll fade, and I'm almost hoping that by talking and going out with him that they will... but what if they don't? And in the event that the feelings don't go away, wouldn't the going out just have given him the wrong idea?

Personality test:

Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

Really? Hell, I like to think so.

Met up with my university friends today. It was good, to say the least. I laughed a lot, and managed to take the mickey out of some friends, which is something I do enjoy doing. I don't do it maliciously though, it's just my way of having fun and showing affection. Okay, just having fun, really.

It turns out that a friend of mine had a job offer in London. He went over there, tried it out for two weeks and decided to give it up and return home to be with his girlfriend, also a friend of mine. He didn't tell her that he had decided to return and kept it a secret so that he could surprise her. He turned up at her doorstep a few strokes shy of midnight, due to some technical difficulty, and yes, she did cry. My female friend laughed as I said, with evident approval, "That's the right way to do it."

It's so like a soap opera that I asked the guy if he had headed straight for her place from the airport, luggage in tow, rung the doorbell and done the dramatic dropping of luggage just as she opened the door. Unfortunately, no. That would have added more spice to the story. But it's so sweet as it is.
On another note, given that the job he turned down is very much similar to the job I'm doing now, I did threaten to stab him with my knife after telling him that his story was incredibly sweet.

My friends' story did remind me of the time that I returned early from my Eastern and Central Europe backpacking vacation to surprise my then-boyfriend (also known as "the ex"). Ostensibly, part of the reason was because I realised I needed more time to pack up and move out of my hostel, but a very large part of the reason was because I really did miss being with him, and wanted to spend as much time as I could with him before I had to leave the UK. I was incredibly nervous, as I wasn't sure whether he'd be in his room and didn't want to have to go to all this trouble only to be thwarted at the last step. I like plans, but I do get a little nervous towards the end of them, as I've put so much of my hopes on them.

But I went up to his room and knocked. When he opened the door, the expression on his face was incredible. Filled with surprise, followed by happiness, and then I was engulfed in a very big, powerful hug. If you could bottle the emotions that were in that moment, it would be a guaranteed bestseller.

Hmm.

Upon reflection - and personal experience - having someone who constantly tells you that you're beautiful and intelligent doesn't always cut it. It begins to sound like a refrain and you start to think that the other person's just saying it, and that those words are just that - words, with no substance, no backing.

And that, sweetie, I guess is what I meant by a challenge. Someone who you know thinks you look good normally, but doesn't always tell you. Someone who's worth dressing up for, just to hear "Damn! That's my girl!" the moment he sets his eyes on you. Obviously, the same goes for the intelligence bit.

Much as I hate to admit it, the guy I'm kind of seeing now... doesn't pose that challenge. And he is prone to making the rather frequent impractical and silly suggestion, something which my practical side is starting to find a little irritating.

They just don't make local guys the way they make decadent, dangerous Western ones.

Ooh. Almost forgot my favourite anecdote.

When I get really tired, I become more susceptible to foreign accents, like the Irish and apparently, also the German accents. So when I was at Füssen, viewing the castles that King Ludwig II built (Hohenschwangau and Neuschwanstein), and walked into the Room of the Swan in the latter castle, the first thing I thought of was "Oh look! A schwan!" Great, I thought. The next thing I know, I'll be wearing lederhosen and telling people, "Velcome to Bavaaaaria. Vould you like some beeeeear?"

And when the bus driver, upon realising the bus was almost full, asked all the people trying to alight to "SCHTOP!", it was all I could do to not laugh. Heh.

And to complete the total London experience - since something strange must occur before you can say that you've lived it: During the last three songs of Digweed's set, there was some guy who seemed to be trying to talk to me, as he kind of circled me while I was dancing to try getting a look at my face. Then he noticed the glowering guy behind me (my brother of course) and kind of sheepishly took off. Then he returned with a digital camera, pointed in my direction, upon which I turned away and continued dancing. Upon looking back after what I thought was an obvious signal that I did not wish to be photographed, he was right in front of me and had taken a photo. At first, I thought he had taken it of my brother, since I had turned away, but my brother says that he took one of me, and that he pumped his fist in the air and went back to his friend and did a little victory dance.

But what was stranger was what happened after, when we were eating at Crispy Duck in Leicester Square, after Bedrock, we were seated very near an obviously very drunk guy who seemed to be Russian (his accent) and had issues with Algeria. My brother and I couldn't quite sort out the connection between the two, but anyway, that guy seemed determined to pick an argument with anyone sitting next to his table (not us thankfully) regarding Algeria. My first time hearing a Russian accent, and I have to say that the ex does a very credible version.

Ah, London.

I'm back!

And yes, suffering from jet lag! I managed to misplace my watch at my brother's place in London and had no clue what time it was on the 14-hour flight back home. I was itching to switch on my mobile just to get the time, but decided not to risk a sudden plunge into whichever country which we were currently over.

Anyway, the three weeks of training are over. I survived (barely) and graduated! Yes! I also fell a little in love with the city of Manila (especially the Makati area). The nightlife and shopping are superb, and there're so many areas that're like a modern-day version of Barcelona, with terraces surrounding fountains decorated with fairy lights.

This was swiftly followed by a two week vacation - seven days of backpacking through Germany, three days of London, and two days of travelling time.

Sept 22nd - 25th: Berlin (Mitte's Backpacker Hostel - good, friendly people, a great location, and good party music. Pity about the beds though)
Sept 26th: Cologne (The Station Bar and Hostel - again, friendly people and great party atmosphere)
Sept 27th: Day trip to Aachen
Sept 28th: Day trip to Füssen before arrival in Munich (Easy Palace Hostel - great beds and facilities, with a location 200m away from the Oktoberfest site)
Sept 29th: Munich
Sept 30th: Arrival in Berlin to catch flight to London
Oct 1st - 3rd: London
Oct 4th: Singapore

Germany: It was wonderful. I visited Berlin, Cologne, Aachen, Füssen and Munich. All of them beautiful places in their own right - whether it's the history, the architecture or just the general mood of the place. I managed to hit Munich during Oktoberfest, and it was full of drunken American and Australian tourists! Guess I shouldn't have expected otherwise, but they really did change the mood of the city so much. And I didn't even drink any beer there, mostly because I was backpacking by myself, and not really because of the fact that I really dislike the taste of beer. Yes, I know. I'm slightly sad that way. That being said, I did tell the hostel that I'd be back someday with friends so that I could drink.

London: Was far too brief. Rather like a hit-and-run kind of visit. The most common comment I heard was "Why are you leaving? You just got here!!" I stayed with my brother, saw my best friend briefly before she had to run off to Paris for a project, got together with my ex for a night, and looked up a friend who stayed at the same uni hostel I did in my final year. I also managed to chat with my personal tutor briefly.

I really missed my friends in London, and didn't realise how much until I saw their faces and was talking to them as if we had never parted. My best friend, who I hadn't seen in nine months, requested that I seriously consider going to London to work - which I must confess, I've put on the backburner for the past few months since I want to get some proper work experience under my belt - and dear, I promise that I'll look into all available options of going there. I love London, and touchdown on Monday felt incredible.

The ex... Seeing him was awesome. We laughed so hard during the two hour dinner (both our jaws were seriously aching) and it was really good to see that although we've both changed in our own way, we still really connect. And I still love talking to him, telling him stuff that I don't tell other people and just flirting with him all the way in the process. Honestly, I never expected to meet such a great guy during university, and that he'd not only make a good boyfriend, but also, a wonderful friend. Needless to say, I stayed out the whole entire night. Not entirely unplanned, I must confess. :o)

I hadn't seen my brother in thirteen months, and I must say that I really miss having him in the same country that I'm in. We don't talk that much over the phone anymore as I'm not that great over the phone, and seeing him face-to-face was really good. We didn't argue at all (I suspect two and a half days was too short for us to be getting the typical cabin fever that we always get) and we chatted about everything. He took great delight in teasing me about the admirer I left behind and how he'd feel about my seeing the ex. It was good talking to someone with the same twisted sense of humour, and who'd been through the same experiences that I've had. Thirteen months was far too long to not see him, and hopefully, we'll be seeing each other again soon.

Clubbing: Managed to catch Bedrock's 5th anniversary party at Heaven despite not having much sleep the night before (wink)! It's still only eight quid, so thanks a lot, Digweed, for being such a great DJ who's not concerned about the money such a quality night could bring in. Digweed's set wasn't bad, a mixture of progressive house and almost-trance. It's the first time in ages that I've been able to enjoy a non-trance set. The clubbing atmosphere in London is so different. People go to enjoy the music (and get stoned), not just to pose and be seen. It makes a huge difference when you're clubbing among people who genuinely appreciate the music, rather than with people who have no clue as to what makes a good tune and what's just eurotrash. The guest DJ for the night was Josh Wink, and apparently, Sasha's going to guest for the November Bedrock. Also, danke shoen for selling the Bedrock back catalogue at reduced prices.

Shopping: The HMV and Tower sales were great! Final count (including the Bedrock sales): 6 CDs and 2 DVDs. Also, I hit Lush again. This time, both in Manila and London. Due to the strength of the pound right now, the Lush in Manila is cheaper than in their home country of England, but I didn't have enough baggage allowance and didn't buy as much as I could have. I had to curb my spending proclivities in London though, as I was reminded that I still hadn't finished using up last Christmas's haul of Lush goodies. Sigh. I just adore being toiletries. Shops like Lush, The Natural Source, Beauty Bar, Superdrug and Boots and like paradise for me. Sadly, I didn't have sufficient time to go clothes and shoe shopping although I really wanted to, as London's not a bad place to look for up-to-date fashions. I already spent enough money in the two-and-a-half days though, so maybe this was a blessing in disguise.

Other great things about being away from home: The magazines! Cosmo is banned where I'm from. And not just banned from being sold (like chewing gum) but the possession of Cosmo itself is technically illegal, apparently as the state was concerned about their promotion of sexual freedom, etc., a huge laugh in itself given that as I browsed through the local women's magazines, all of them promised to show women how to have a better sex life, the top # moves that men want us to do, and how to have an orgasm. Anyway, I bought Cosmos from the places I visited, and purchased my first copy of Mixmag in ages. Why do I love the mags so much? Aside from the quality of their content, I love browsing through magazines and seeing what's the latest in fashion, beauty, music, etc. that I can buy as well as the freebies that come with the magazines (like dance CDs!).

Gripes: None, really, other than the horrible beds that I've been sleeping on, whether they were hostel beds or night trains. Oh yes, just one really. The fact that Nick Warren is playing tonight back home! I'm far too tired to catch him, so that makes five out of five times that I've been unable to catch him despite being in the same location. Argh!

It was tough saying goodbye. Not as bad as the last time I left as there were no tears shed. During this trip, I felt as if the London chapter in my life wasn't entirely over, just merely interrupted... but when will I be able to continue that chapter? Before, or after all my beloved friends leave? I do love the city, but the people are the one factor that drew me to return this year. But still... finding the words to bid my friends farewell was difficult. As a friend said, what words can suffice when you know that by walking out of the door, you're leaving a part of your life behind?