I'm off to London later today... and I'm dead beat! I've been working late this whole week, with the exception of Wednesday night (taken off to spend the evening with E., since he's taking a job in Los Angeles) and I still haven't quite finished packing up. I'm packing loads of clothing because I haven't spent a good warm summer in London just yet, so I'm bringing along two long-sleeved shirts and the rest... let's just say that they're very appropriate for clubbing in. Heh. Which just leaves me with one little problem: how to bring appropriate clubbing shoes!

I'm rather excited about Ljubljana as well. I'm looking forward to walking around the "new Prague", taking photos of medieval buildings and dragons, hiking up mountains, exploring caves, lounging by the lake in a bikini and... of course, clubbing.

I can't wait to get away from Singapore; lately, it's been getting to me... I can't abide the fact that there's so much more to do outside of Singapore and also... let's face it, my men problems are really draining me. Every time I've got a problem with a guy (invariably local), I take off and run for as far as I can go, and when I return, everything's resolved. I know what to do (which usually involves dumping/rejecting the guy) and life goes on as usual.

Except this time... I'm going to get a clearer idea of what I want to do with my life, rather than just what I ought to be doing with my (lack of) guys.

A lot has happened since I last posted, but I've just been too busy to get online to blog it.

I told someone that I liked him... and found out he didn't feel the same way.

Someone who I had thought wasn't interested in me and who I walked away from resurfaced in my life.

I had one of the best weekends in a very long time just last weekend.

And of course, the usual - I've been working really long hours.

But, first things first. I confessed to my friend that I had feelings for him, that I'd been having them ever since January but was hoping they'd go away because "hey, I don't do things like this." I wasn't expecting him to return the sentiment, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want him to.

He was stunned at first and his silence spoke volumes. From his mouth came a flurry of reasons. You're a great girl and I like spending time with you but... I don't feel the same way. I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't have any direction in my life right now. Our friendship is more important to me than getting into a relationship.

They're just words, really. Sentences designed with the intention of making me feel better. But I don't need those words. What I really want... is your honesty. If you're not interested in me because I'm not your type or if you're interested in someone else, just tell me. I can take it.  Don't give me all these cliched lines which don't mesh with one another. Don't give me a reason to be angry at you.

I'm glad I told you. Now, I can be a better friend, instead of wondering whether there's a hidden meaning behind every word, every action of yours. Now, I can move on. And it's rare to have found someone with whom you can be this honest. I trusted that you wouldn't run; that's why I came clean.

But... none of that can negate the embarrassment I feel at having willingly put myself in a position whereby I got hurt. None of that can take away the pain I feel at having my heart broken.

I thought I was okay... but then I saw you in intimate conversation with another girl, and once again, that searing pain went through me. Why I should feel that anguished when we never once had anything going on between us, I don't know.

But one thing I do know is that I've liked you for more than six months now. It's going to take time for me to get over you.

Last weekend was a fun weekend. On Friday, I went out to Phuture with a couple of old friends and made some new ones. Hip hop and grinding with some friends is always a sure-fire way to make me feel better.

On Saturday, I went out with the guy who I thought didn't like me. Turns out that he's been busy. He treated me to a nice dinner and coffee, and dropped me off at my friend's birthday party where I was, to my immense surprise, as social a person I've ever been despite my lack of energy, having slept at 6 am that same Saturday. I was operating on less than six hours of sleep, and yet, I was the friendly, funny, gregarious girl that has always attracted people. How bizarre. I ended up at Zouk again later that night, at the birthday boy's request (or rather, my punishment for having 're-broken' a glass door running away from E.). That night, I danced with the first boy that I've danced with since E left... and no, it wasn't him. It didn't mean anything though. It was just purely for fun.

I ended off the great night watching E. in deep conversation with a female friend, someone who had been spending the whole night by his side, feeling the pain which I thought I had let go once I had admitted my feelings to him come back in full force.

I'm leaving for London on Friday. On Wednesday night, I'll be having dinner with him before he returns to the US to work. Despite the fact that I've been open and honest with him so far, I think this time... will be different. I am not going to let him see my pain and I am definitely not going to let him see my tears.

I woke up yesterday morning to discover a missed call from E., the guy I didn't walk away from. Just to give a little more detail... When I opted to walk away, close the door and throw away the key, I thought I had chosen to do so for both guys, not just the more annoying one. But, as I looked at the number and listened to E's voice message, it was clear from the way my heart was pounding that I hadn't manage to completely extricate myself from the romantic trainwreck that I've been involved in.
 
When he called again later, he asked when I'd be free. Now this weekend was a terrible one for me because I'm trying my best to finish a review, otherwise I won't get to go to London for my two week vacation. As I listened to his schedule for the weekend in awe, I commented, "Man, you're all booked up!" To my surprise and immense pleasure, he replied, "It's different. You're not trying to book me, I'm trying to book you!"
 
Aww. Please don't get my hopes up.
 
He had returned on Thursday night and had gone out with his usual close friends. Thanks to the curse that is jet lag, he woke up on Friday night and went out to Zouk, whereupon he felt, "Wait a sec... something's missing!" and he realised that he had forgotten to call me. He had to go to a little bit of trouble to get my number since he left it in the US... and presto, the next morning, he called while I was sleeping.
 
You cannot possibly imagine the effect that little speech had on me.
 
But... and here's the rub. He's only back for two weeks before returning to the US for the great job hunt. Yes, that's right. Two weeks. I've already decided that I'll be making a couple of moves - either in the fling direction, the confession direction or even both. But I'm not sure how to initiate option 1 given my distinct lack of experience in that particular arena. How do you initiate a kiss with someone when he's driving or eating on the other side of the table in a coffeeshop? I'm just not conversant with that. But hopefully, I'll manage to overcome this difficulty... and just as hopefully, I won't find out that I've been batting 0-for-2 all along...

Oh yes. After a conversation with God last night, I've decided to put everything in His hands and just walk away.

Bye, C. Thought you were a diamond that fell from the sky when I first met you, but now, I realise that you're just one of those synthetic ones. Nice to have at first, but after a while... you realise it's just not the real thing.

Where to go for my short city break?

Ljubljana, Prague, Stockholm, Edinburgh or Lisbon?

How on earth am I going to make a decision? And for the love of everything pure and simple, could I for once have someone coming with me?

I watched Troy today. It was clunky and a bit unwieldy (nearly three hours long!) but was nonetheless, a good watch, if only for the beautifully sculpted bodies of Brad Pitt and Eric Bana, and the good looks of Sean Bean.

I do realise that the siege on Troy was a protracted one, but still, there are far too many battle scenes in this movie. Even though I knew the ending of The Lord of the Rings, having read the trilogy, I was far more moved by the fights shown in LotR than in anything in Troy. Even during the one-on-one battle between Pitt's Achilles and Bana's incredibly heroic and noble Hector which results in Hector's death, I didn't feel sad at all. The only time I felt at all emotionally involved was when Peter O'Toole's Priam, father of Hector, goes to Achilles to beg for return of the body of his son. He's at once dignified, subtle, broken and pleading. I found myself crying when he quietly told Achilles, "I loved my son from the moment he opened his eyes to the moment you closed them."

Paris, as played by Orlando Bloom, is a pansy-assed, lily-livered ponce. I was a little upset that someone like him could have such a honourable, loving brother who would eventually pay the ultimate price for his brother's folly of having seduced Helen, Queen of Sparta and Menelaus's wife. I couldn't see what it was that Helen found in him that she fell for, other than the fact that she felt trapped in Sparta since she had been forced into marrying Menelaus at a rather young age. There was virtually no chemistry whatsoever between Bloom and Diane Kruger. At one point, he tells her, "If you come, we'll never be safe. Men will hunt us, the gods will curse us, but I'll love you. Until the day they burn my body, I'll love you." I may be a romantic, but I scoffed like hell at that line. I was like, "Bastard. Like that's sufficient compensation."

By now, you should be able to guess who my favourite character in the show is... Hector! Not-at-all bad-looking, great bod, noble, maganimous, righteous without being smug... he would be any girl's dream guy. I hated The Incredible Hulk immensely, but Eric Bana has redeemed himself in my eyes with his wonderful performance as the conflicted, just, fair, dutiful son of Priam and leader of the army of Troy. If you think I'm biased, just check out this review.

Incidentally, I felt Saffron Burrows (Andromache, Hector's wife) was more beautiful than Helen. Helen is more attractive and striking, I grant you that, but Burrows played Andromache with dignity. Her love for Hector is very strong and we can see the bond between them every time they're in a scene together. The grief that she displays when Hector is killed, and subsequently during Hector's funeral, is palpable.

Memorable Quotes
Achilles: He killed my cousin!
Priam: He thought it was you. How many cousins have you killed? How many fathers and brothers and sons and husbands, how many, brave Achilles?
(Hey. I felt it had to be said.)

Achilles: It changes nothing, you're still my enemy come morning.
Priam: You're still my enemy tonight, but even enemies can show respect.

Achilles: Let me tell you a secret, something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be more lovely than you are now. We will never be here again.

Lately, I've been getting home from work physically and mentally drained, close to tears over the state of my life... over how hateful my work seems to be right now, how much stress I'm under, how utterly astounded I am by how my life has turned out.

Cold, stormy, dreary days like today don't help. It just gets me more depressed especially when I'm working late, when the realisation of the impossibility of having a life given the amount of commitment my career demands hits me.

I told a friend once, maybe it's good that I'm so busy, that my work takes up so much time. That way, I always have an excuse. I can simply say that I'm so busy with work that I don't have the time to meet people... instead of facing up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, even if I had the time, nobody would want me.

That's certainly how I'm feeling now. After all, how can I possibly be in a situation whereby I like two guys who don't even seem to like me?

I'm pretty, friendly, smart, capable, not lacking for money and definitely fun to be with. If I can't seem to attract a guy even with these qualities, then there must be something wrong with them and not me... right?

Marco V on Saturday night at Zouk was fantastic.

He played it good and hard, just the way I like it... at least from 2 am onwards!

I had been running around the whole day and my feet were pretty damn tired even before I got to Zouk. By the end of the night, my feet were killing me... and I still had to endure the usually 25 minute walk home! Fortunately, a kind soul - my friend - spotted me and gave me a lift part of the way home. My legs are still tired even today!

Tracks that I loved:
Marco V - Automanual
Marco V vs. Bates - Bang Bang (Nancy Sinatra remixed)
Marco V - Godd is a DJ
Energy 52 - Cafe del Mar (Marco V remix)
Samuel Barber - Adagio for Strings (remix)
Coldplay - Clocks (Marco V remix)

I watched Super Size Me yesterday... and if the intended effect of the movie-documentary is to make sure viewers are so repulsed by the effects of fast food on the human body that they will never want to eat fast food ever again, then it certainly worked. Incidentally, Morgan Spurlock, the director of this documentary, didn't set out with this goal in mind. On the contrary, his decision to go on a 30-day, 3 McDonald's meals a day McBinge diet, was inspired (shall we say) by a lawsuit brought against McDonald's by two young girls who were suing McD's for making them obese. Now, things like this could only happen in America. Anyway, Spurlock was so outraged by this frivolous lawsuit - a suit which the judge said was only valid if the plaintiffs could prove conclusively that a McD's diet was the reason why they were obese - that he decided to embark upon such a diet and see what exactly the results were.

At this point, I'd just like to stress that in their defence, McD's had stated that the food they were serving was healthy, so it wasn't as if this diet was as ridiculous as it seemed.

Now, there were two rules to this diet:
1. If McDonald's didn't sell it, Spurlock couldn't eat it. This included water.
2. If he was asked to Supersize a meal, he was obliged to do so, and to eat the whole meal... a meal which would now consist of a quadruple burger, half a pound of fries and four pints of soda.

It was terribly disturbing to see Spurlock McPuke after finishing his very first Supersized meal.

Needless to say, as almost everyone knows by now, by the end of the 30 days, Spurlock had gained 24.5 pounds (11.4 kgs), increased his body fat by 8% and pretty much turned his liver to "pate". It took 13.5 months before he lost all the weight that he had gained during these 30 days. In addition, he had probably caused irreparable damage to his heart, doubling the chances of suffering from a heart coronary later in life.

Now that is seriously scary. There's virtually no nutrition in fast food and even the salads are loaded with calories. Now, I used to indulge in fast food once or twice a month whenever I was really busy, and I tend to eat it every day when I'm travelling because it's cheap. Not anymore. It's just too disgusting.

I've friends who argue that Spurlock shouldn't be singling McDonald's out seeing as we all have free will and therefore can make our own choices. Still, with the kind of power that these corporations wield, they do have a very strong ability to buy influence, whether it's through the media or by lobbying politicians such that favourable laws are passed and unfavourable ones are kept out of the legislature. A case in point is the Cheeseburger Bill that was passed in March 2004 by Congress which disallowed people from bringing lawsuits against companies for making them obese.

Super Size Me is a great documentary with a powerful message that - thankfully - isn't hammered into you by the director, unlike some other documentaries. It's incredibly entertaining and hilarious. Highly recommended!

Favourite moments
When the lawyer who's representing the two girls is asked why he's suing McDonald's: You mean other than the monetary compensation? You want to hear a noble cause?

The (former) VP of the Grocers Manufacturers Association: Yes, we're aware that this nation is becoming more and more obese. And we're part of the prob... we're part of the solution! (scene stops)
Spurlock: Did you just hear that? Did you hear the VP of the GMA just say that we're part of the PROBLEM?

When they played the Blue Danube during the stomach stapling operation. Gruesome but cute.

Oh. My. Gosh. This guy's blog - Call Centre Confidential - is hilarious!

I'd been meaning to post this up some time ago, but had forgotten amidst all the hustle and bustle of work. Mr. James Montier, Global Equity Strategist for Dresdner Kleinwort Wasserstein in London, brightened up my day immeasurably a few weeks ago when he wrote this delightful little article about the psychology of happiness.

Now if only all equity analysts could do a little something like this every once in a while. Mr. Montier's changed my perspective on equity analysis; now, I'm even considering becoming one!

Bue enough about me. Read the report. It's fantastic.

Check NEC ecotonoha out. It's a virtual tree-planting project initiated by NEC.

The virtual leaves are made up of messages posted by participants. For every 100 signatures on Ecotonoha, NEC will plant another tree in addition to those planted during the Kangaroo Island project. For the year 2004 project, 60,997 entries were received, resulting in a total of 609 planted trees.

How did my life turn out the way it has? I've got a really challenging job (with people telling me that I'll have a bright, long, successful future in the company I'm working in), live in one of the best cities in the world (according to the quality of life survey conducted by Mercer Consulting, but also one of the most expensive), have a fantastic, supportive family and a wonderful circle of friends... and still, I find myself discontented with life.

So... given all the great things I've got going on for me, what is it exactly that I want?

The first answer that springs to mind: a good job overseas, preferably in London, Paris, Barcelona, Berlin, Prague, New York, Chicago, Seattle or San Francisco.

True, life need not necessarily revolve around a career but still, seeing as I'm Singaporean, that is the one overriding thing that dominates my life.

Of course, working overseas would mean leaving a lot of people behind... but I've always been good at adapting and making friends, and I would dearly love the experience and the opportunities.

So, if there's someone out there with a vacancy in a city mentioned above, please do let me know!

Wishing my friend all the best with his job interviews in the US... is something I would do with all of my friends... except that in this case, it's causing me a little pain. Why? Because this is the friend I happen to fancy, and if he gets a job overseas, I'll be left wondering what could have been. On the other hand, it would make my complicated life a little simpler. Sigh.

All the best, E. You can do it. And A., take care of yourself too!

I got a new haircut on Saturday which is radically different from my previous style. The previous one was a little layered and a wispy fringe. It was slightly longer than shoulder-length and was long enough to be tied up comfortably. It was also a little messy, hence the need for a trim. However, I being the person that I am, generally let my hairdresser do whatever she wants to my hair, because blessed as I am with the ideal face shape and great hair, I can carry off almost all hairstyles... fortunately!

So what does this style look like? In a word, Cleopatra.

It's got so much potential. My friends have called it among other things, the China doll look, the Japanese geisha look, the sixties/retro style, Uma Thurman as Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction, Chiaki Kuriyama as Go Go Yubari from Kill Bill but with shorter hair and so on and so forth. In case you haven't been able to visualise it by now, it's a very straight hairstyle with bangs above the eyebrows. My hair is now chin length and resembles (though not in colour) the electric blue wig which Sydney Bristow once wore in an episode of Alias.

Like I said - very different. I still get taken aback every time I see myself in the mirror.

Despite the fact that I'm managing to hold my own at work at present, I find that when it comes to non-work-related issues, I'm terribly brittle. I find myself rather close to tears - of frustration, sadness, anger - when I think about the sorry state that my love life is in. And this only serves to further reinforce my already-dangerous belief that I can't let myself get involved with anyone because all my strength and energy is already taken up by the impossible task of just trying to survive work; I simply cannot cope with anything else. The one lesson I'm taking away from this is that I was foolish to let my guard down with these two seemingly funny and charming but ultimately local guys.

A nice cheerful rock song that perfectly sums up the little problem I've run into twice so far this year.

Accidentally In Love
by the Counting Crows (Shrek 2 OST)

So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love

Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Cause everybody's after love

So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
Belting out sunlight
Shimmering love

Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love

These lines of lightning
Mean we're never alone,
Never alone, no, no

Come on, Come on
Move a little closer
Come on, Come on
I want to hear you whisper
Come on, Come on
Settle down inside my love

Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once
Upon a time in love

We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love (x7)

Accidentally

I'm In Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
Accidentally (X 2)

Come on, come on
Spin a little tighter
Come on, come on
And the world's a little brighter
Come on, come on
Just get yourself inside her

Love ...I'm in love

How sexy are you?
You're a SAUCEPOT.

You might think your sex appeal peaks and dips depending on your mood - in fact, you're pretty irresistible any day. It's the fact that you're so uncontrived that makes men notice you. Some nights you might glam yourself up, other times you go as you are. Oddly enough, it's the times when you don't make an effort that you're at your most alluring. Men treat you as an equal and know they can have a laugh with you - then, just as they've got you labelled as a mate, they realise they're falling hook, line and sinker.

Boost your sex appeal by: enhancing your good points. Using your excellent flirting skills - you're playful and teasing rather than off-putting. Just be yourself.

My best friend in London called me unexpectedly. She's a high-flying investment banker and as such, is even busier than I am, though startlingly enough, half-way across the world, and we're both still facing the same problems: long working hours, falling ill and not being able to recover due to the amount of work we have, and the same guy problems.

It was really good to hear from you, M. I know to you it seems as though we saw each other three months ago, but in reality, it's been thrice that long. I hope to goodness that I'll be able to get to go on my two weeks vacation in August because I'm really looking forward to seeing you and catching up! I cannot believe you remembered my Econ B tutor in our first year... you're right! He is the handsomest guy ever. How did I forget?

Take care, sweetie and a bientot! I hope everything works out for you, your guys and work. I can cope. :)

On another note - isn't this the cutest little guy ever?

A GARAGE-GURL. Youre into loud music, hot guys and
wild fashions. Youre most at ease when you've
got all your mates around you and you like to
party. Boys are a game and youre always on the
ball because you make sure you're always number
one.

Your virtues: Confidence, fun nature, sociability.

Your flaws: Loudness, jealous tendency, need for attention..


You almost certainly wouldn't like this game, because it's not your thing:
www.life-blood.vze.com

What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

While at work today, working on some numbers, I decided it was time for me to start on the French learning CDs by Michel Thomas which I bought on a boxercise classmate's recommendation off the now-defunct Yahoo! Auctions UK. I have to admit the introduction by Thomas - whereby he stresses the importance of relaxing, and not memorising the language but just letting it wash over you such that it becomes knowledge that you possess - was pretty impressive. I especially liked the part where he said, "There will be no homework, not even mental homework," since I for sure do not have the time to handle any extra-curricular activities right now. I've only gotten through to the middle of track 5 of CD 1 of the eight-CD course so I do know everything that he's teaching right now. Still, I have to admit, I like his teaching style whereby he engages you as if he were right in front of you asking you how to say "Would you like to eat with me?" ("Voulez-vous manger avec moi?")

For more information on Thomas's courses, you can check out his official site or a fellow blogger's account of a relaxing French lesson from Michel Thomas.

On other news, Greece - against all odds - knocked the Czech Republic out of Euro 2004 via a silver goal scored by Dellas. Sigh. Life isn't fair. All the nice attacking teams with flair are out. What a difference Nedved made. Damn that knee injury!

I've come to the conclusion that men are incapable of being single.

Most of my male friends, after breaking up with their girlfriends, are depressed for all of one day, before moving on - regardless of how long they've been together. About a week later, they start chatting up other girls. A few days later, I find out that they've got a new girlfriend.

I've witnessed this mysterious phenomenon with so many males that I'm not sure if it's in their blood to just move on without so much as a proper 'grieving' period, or if they're all simply in love with the idea of being in love.

Now, take my female friends and I. We've been single for an amazingly long time. If we were guys, people would say that we've been experiencing a severe drought and would be surprised that we're still sane and functional.

Men. Sheesh.