Friend #1 (to a friend who was trying to sleep during the five minute bus ride to the underground train station): What are you doing?
Friend #2: I'm medicating.
I couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the trip.
Ah, the simple pleasures of life.
Sunday, October 27, 2002
Saturday, October 26, 2002
Excerpt from a magazine article on why men remain sexually faithful to their partners: "Being Catholic, sleeping with my girlfriend is a big enough sin. Sleeping with her and with another girl would definitely guarantee me a place in hell."
It's good to know someone else feels the same way I feel!
I don't mean that quite the way it sounds (and boy does it sound baaaaad. It's just that.. according to the religion in which I've been born and raised, pre-marital sex is a huge no-no. But being the age that I am now, all brimming over with hormones (the ex's words, not mine), the temptation is, admittedly, very strong. Part of me wishes that I had slept with the ex before leaving, partly out of curiosity and mostly because I felt so much for him. At the same time, I knew it would be against my religion to do anything of that sort.
Do I think my religion is wrong on this particular aspect? I don't know. I am certainly not wise enough to be able to answer such a dangerous and sensitive question. I do, at times however, wish that I wasn't taught to behave in this particular way, when it seems so... contrary to what the rest of the world is doing. Sometimes, I feel like I've been born like ninety years too late, so conservative are my values.
Anyway, back to the point. Why did I empathise with that quote? Well, I know how much the temptation is when you're with someone you love, and I'm glad that there're other people out there, brought up the same way I was, who feel the same way - that what you're doing is wrong although so damned hard to resist. Also, that casual sleeping around just isn't the thing for me. I could never do that. I get too involved, too committed. Plus, if you know me even just a little bit, you'll know that nothing I do with regards to relationships is ever casual. I don't do things unless I mean them.
It's good to know someone else feels the same way I feel!
I don't mean that quite the way it sounds (and boy does it sound baaaaad. It's just that.. according to the religion in which I've been born and raised, pre-marital sex is a huge no-no. But being the age that I am now, all brimming over with hormones (the ex's words, not mine), the temptation is, admittedly, very strong. Part of me wishes that I had slept with the ex before leaving, partly out of curiosity and mostly because I felt so much for him. At the same time, I knew it would be against my religion to do anything of that sort.
Do I think my religion is wrong on this particular aspect? I don't know. I am certainly not wise enough to be able to answer such a dangerous and sensitive question. I do, at times however, wish that I wasn't taught to behave in this particular way, when it seems so... contrary to what the rest of the world is doing. Sometimes, I feel like I've been born like ninety years too late, so conservative are my values.
Anyway, back to the point. Why did I empathise with that quote? Well, I know how much the temptation is when you're with someone you love, and I'm glad that there're other people out there, brought up the same way I was, who feel the same way - that what you're doing is wrong although so damned hard to resist. Also, that casual sleeping around just isn't the thing for me. I could never do that. I get too involved, too committed. Plus, if you know me even just a little bit, you'll know that nothing I do with regards to relationships is ever casual. I don't do things unless I mean them.
Someone asked if me if I'm still talking to the ex, as she's been refraining from communicating with her ex until she stops liking him.
Obviously, the answer's yes. I don't think I could have survived till now by completely cutting him out of my life. However, other than talking to him, I've pretty much cut every other reminder out of my life. I don't keep any photos of him around, nor do I look at any of his past correspondence.
It's just... most days are okay, but some days are worse than others. Love songs affect you more than they should. Watching romantic scenes makes you feel a pang in your stomach and leaves you with an ache in the heart... especially the kissing scenes since I remember just how good a kisser he was and how much I miss his kisses... and today, seeing as I had to attend a wedding dinner, was most definitely one of those days.
I try not to think about him too much, or to look at anything that reminds me of him. Nevertheless, while cleaning my room recently, I stumbled upon a photo of friends, including the ex, and looking at his face just made me feel so... sad. And when his name pops up on IM, just seeing his name is enough to affect me for the whole day.
I am getting over him, but I dearly miss what we had. The time I spent with him was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life. It's not easy trying to reconcile that with the fact that I basically was forced to leave him before I wanted to. Maybe we would have broken up soon after had I stayed due to work commitments. Maybe we would have split without remaining friends due to ill feelings between us, as that would have been a very real possibility. But, being the kind of person that I am, there'll always be a part of me that will wonder whether we could have gone on being happy for a much longer time yet. It felt so right and now... that's gone.
Obviously, the answer's yes. I don't think I could have survived till now by completely cutting him out of my life. However, other than talking to him, I've pretty much cut every other reminder out of my life. I don't keep any photos of him around, nor do I look at any of his past correspondence.
It's just... most days are okay, but some days are worse than others. Love songs affect you more than they should. Watching romantic scenes makes you feel a pang in your stomach and leaves you with an ache in the heart... especially the kissing scenes since I remember just how good a kisser he was and how much I miss his kisses... and today, seeing as I had to attend a wedding dinner, was most definitely one of those days.
I try not to think about him too much, or to look at anything that reminds me of him. Nevertheless, while cleaning my room recently, I stumbled upon a photo of friends, including the ex, and looking at his face just made me feel so... sad. And when his name pops up on IM, just seeing his name is enough to affect me for the whole day.
I am getting over him, but I dearly miss what we had. The time I spent with him was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life. It's not easy trying to reconcile that with the fact that I basically was forced to leave him before I wanted to. Maybe we would have broken up soon after had I stayed due to work commitments. Maybe we would have split without remaining friends due to ill feelings between us, as that would have been a very real possibility. But, being the kind of person that I am, there'll always be a part of me that will wonder whether we could have gone on being happy for a much longer time yet. It felt so right and now... that's gone.
For Oct 25 2002
It's been strange. This has quite possibly been the toughest work week of my life - staying back five days in a row just to finish up the day's work (or mostly finish) and organise everything so that the next day, I wouldn't be so confused as to what it is I should be doing. It's been hard, and quite difficult because I do not relish the commute home at all - takes me over an hour just to get home from work.
Also, I've been having these dreams the past two nights. The first dream I was with a group of people and I knew that the ex was nearby. I just kept looking for him and I heard his voice and remembered seeing him while walking around. I didn't find him although I knew he was near... The second dream, I was hiking with another group of people, and I had a whip-like weapon of some sort to kill snakes and other monsters. I was with an ex-classmate and we were at the second-last meeting point in this building on some island and I was more or less directing them as to the best route. All the other hiking groups were there too, including - yes, you've guessed it - the group the ex was in. I went up to that group, to the person I thought was my ex, and it turned out to be like, his ex-flat-mate. And I distinctly remember in the dream getting very confused and wondering if I remembered what the ex looked like. So I went up to this other group (named "Warwick") and was talking to some girl who I rarely spoke to in my high school and was asking about my brother, who was in her group. Turned out that he got bored and split to go somewhere else. So I continued looking for the elusive ex, and never did find him...
I rarely have recurring dreams or dreams along the same line, so of course this does get me a little confused!
It's been strange. This has quite possibly been the toughest work week of my life - staying back five days in a row just to finish up the day's work (or mostly finish) and organise everything so that the next day, I wouldn't be so confused as to what it is I should be doing. It's been hard, and quite difficult because I do not relish the commute home at all - takes me over an hour just to get home from work.
Also, I've been having these dreams the past two nights. The first dream I was with a group of people and I knew that the ex was nearby. I just kept looking for him and I heard his voice and remembered seeing him while walking around. I didn't find him although I knew he was near... The second dream, I was hiking with another group of people, and I had a whip-like weapon of some sort to kill snakes and other monsters. I was with an ex-classmate and we were at the second-last meeting point in this building on some island and I was more or less directing them as to the best route. All the other hiking groups were there too, including - yes, you've guessed it - the group the ex was in. I went up to that group, to the person I thought was my ex, and it turned out to be like, his ex-flat-mate. And I distinctly remember in the dream getting very confused and wondering if I remembered what the ex looked like. So I went up to this other group (named "Warwick") and was talking to some girl who I rarely spoke to in my high school and was asking about my brother, who was in her group. Turned out that he got bored and split to go somewhere else. So I continued looking for the elusive ex, and never did find him...
I rarely have recurring dreams or dreams along the same line, so of course this does get me a little confused!
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
Saturday, October 19, 2002
I remember a time when I was like this and this... close to over a year ago!
How sweet and innocent I was then...
Well, to tell the truth, the hand-holding issue has always been a lot safer and easier for me to deal with than the whole goodnight kiss thing. Still haven't had to deal with it actually! I haven't had a pure dating-from-the-start relationship yet.
And this reminds me of the ex. Sinfest is a great comic strip.
How sweet and innocent I was then...
Well, to tell the truth, the hand-holding issue has always been a lot safer and easier for me to deal with than the whole goodnight kiss thing. Still haven't had to deal with it actually! I haven't had a pure dating-from-the-start relationship yet.
And this reminds me of the ex. Sinfest is a great comic strip.
I went to a teambuilding session yesterday. It was more fun than I thought it would be and I was a little disappointed that it was a one-day affair rather than the normal overnight stay activity (shortened due to budget cuts). My arms are surprisingly aching after yesterday's physical activities which I didn't think were overly strenuous and yet, somehow, they really worked my biceps.
Did I learn a lot about myself? Well... yes, I suppose I did. Did I discover anything new and good about myself? I'm not sure. I re-learnt some things which I already knew - like how I tend to be always critical and never really seeing all the good points. It's like I can see all the bad points of something immediately but need some time before I can see the good points. Also, I learnt that I prefer to think through something completely before proposing it, and that that may not necessarily be a good thing. If I have someone around to talk to and bounce ideas off of, then perhaps it may be worthwhile speaking to someone about it.
Furthermore, I should not be so unwilling to speak up just because I don't like having attention on myself. I've changed over the last couple of weeks. I'm not that afraid anymore, and I've learnt that yes, I can handle presentations, yes I can hold my own with more boisterous, seemingly more accomplished people and more importantly, that I should believe in myself.
Apparently, my MBTI type hasn't changed over the last couple of years. Yet, at the same time, all the questions I was asking our instructor would point towards my being the opposite of what my type would indicate. I pick up on the unusual choices of words and can see where loopholes might lie - which would seem to indicate that I'm more interested in the details rather than the overview. However, my type says otherwise. To be completely honest, my mood was changing with the questions that were being asked and my preferences for one type over another was quite slight... except for the details and the overview category, now that I realise it. It was a clear preference for the overview. I'm probably confusing everyone out there because I don't want to reveal to all and sundry what my type is unless you know me, but as this isn't meant for your eyes and just for my contemplation, sorry!
Did I learn a lot about myself? Well... yes, I suppose I did. Did I discover anything new and good about myself? I'm not sure. I re-learnt some things which I already knew - like how I tend to be always critical and never really seeing all the good points. It's like I can see all the bad points of something immediately but need some time before I can see the good points. Also, I learnt that I prefer to think through something completely before proposing it, and that that may not necessarily be a good thing. If I have someone around to talk to and bounce ideas off of, then perhaps it may be worthwhile speaking to someone about it.
Furthermore, I should not be so unwilling to speak up just because I don't like having attention on myself. I've changed over the last couple of weeks. I'm not that afraid anymore, and I've learnt that yes, I can handle presentations, yes I can hold my own with more boisterous, seemingly more accomplished people and more importantly, that I should believe in myself.
Apparently, my MBTI type hasn't changed over the last couple of years. Yet, at the same time, all the questions I was asking our instructor would point towards my being the opposite of what my type would indicate. I pick up on the unusual choices of words and can see where loopholes might lie - which would seem to indicate that I'm more interested in the details rather than the overview. However, my type says otherwise. To be completely honest, my mood was changing with the questions that were being asked and my preferences for one type over another was quite slight... except for the details and the overview category, now that I realise it. It was a clear preference for the overview. I'm probably confusing everyone out there because I don't want to reveal to all and sundry what my type is unless you know me, but as this isn't meant for your eyes and just for my contemplation, sorry!
I've just finished watching close to two hours of television - one of the programmes which I just basically stoned out to was Fox's "Million Dollar Mysteries" - a programme on unsolved crimes and mysteries which offer rewards. I don't understand why on earth they would show it here though. For one thing the programme's about two years old, and hence the information would be two years out of date at least, and for another, none of the incidents took place even remotely close to where I am, not even on the same continent, so the offer of the rewards would be enticing but basically useless. Is my country so enamoured with American television shows that it doesn't matter what they show as long as it's American?
On another note, I watched my first episode of Survivor yesterday. It's the fifth season and I've never watched a single episode prior to yesterday. I have to admit that I can see why it's such a compelling watch. To see how people isolated from civilisation interact with one another and react under great pressure has always been fascinating, and to see how hypocritical these people can be - so like us in real life - is enjoyable and amusing. To go up to one person and pretend that we like them and don't mind their irritating foibles is so us. At the same time, living life with complete honesty would, in my opinion, be among the stupidest things you could ever do since that would practically guarantee that you would never have a single friend willing to speak to you after you reply frankly to "does this make me look fat?" or "what do you think of my new haircut?"
On another note, I watched my first episode of Survivor yesterday. It's the fifth season and I've never watched a single episode prior to yesterday. I have to admit that I can see why it's such a compelling watch. To see how people isolated from civilisation interact with one another and react under great pressure has always been fascinating, and to see how hypocritical these people can be - so like us in real life - is enjoyable and amusing. To go up to one person and pretend that we like them and don't mind their irritating foibles is so us. At the same time, living life with complete honesty would, in my opinion, be among the stupidest things you could ever do since that would practically guarantee that you would never have a single friend willing to speak to you after you reply frankly to "does this make me look fat?" or "what do you think of my new haircut?"
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
I look forward to every day I have off work. It helps take the stress off just that little bit. I'm so concerned about my work performance and how I dress and how I look and everything like that, that despite the fact that I do enjoy my work, the time and effort I spend worrying that everything else I'm doing is all right really does dampen the enjoyment a lot.
Truth is... I'm a little worried. I've always been a worrywart and this is not exception. I'm worried that sometime during the last couple of months, I may have been exposed to something serious. While at the time, I didn't think about it at all, I've realised it only takes one slip-up for something really bad to occur. It's not just the one source you're exposed to but to every other source that that source has come into contact with... and just my luck that what I'm worried about has an incredibly long hibernation period...
Why am I scared? I wasn't supposed to be doing it in the first place. Just because I didn't do the full and complete deed didn't make it any safer. And due to my religious background, I'm terrified that I'll be punished for what I did - either on earth or in the afterlife or both.
Why am I scared? I wasn't supposed to be doing it in the first place. Just because I didn't do the full and complete deed didn't make it any safer. And due to my religious background, I'm terrified that I'll be punished for what I did - either on earth or in the afterlife or both.
Sunday, October 13, 2002
A bomb blast occurred in a neighbouring country today. Supposed to be an act of terrorism. 182 dead so far, and over 300 injured. It's scary, to say the least. I don't recall something like that occurring in recent memory, and certainly not in a place that I wanted to go to sometime this year. And I have to admit that I'm terrified of something like that happening right in my own home, which isn't that unlikely a possibility given my country's location and politcal stance...
Saturday, October 12, 2002
It's been a long time since I've gone clubbing two nights in a row... I actually feel like I'm too... old to be able to handle it, and I'm getting a little bored with allegedly one of the top three clubs in the world. I have nothing against it, it's just that I... want something different. I need more variety in my life, more friends to go out with, and while I know plenty of people, it's just that a lot of them aren't in the same country I'm in now. I miss the quirkiness of the people I used to hang out with - mah bitches, or mah crew, if you prefer ghetto-speak (which I miss as well!)
Last night wasn't too great - for every girl, I saw nine guys, and while you might think that that's good news for me since I'm decidedly straight, the thing is over half them were obviously gay. And not even the good-looking kind of guy, just the small, scrawny, in some cases old and disgusting, gay.
Who are you when the lights go out? That was the theme for Lawler's Lights Out tour. It's an intriguing concept, I've got to admit. And as a (closet) fan of darkness, it appeals to me. I'm afraid of the dark, but when I'm with someone, or rather, a certain someone, it certainly does have its moments. For instance, I remember the darkness of my high school field celebrating the Mid-Autumn festival with the guy who would eventually become my boyfriend just over five years ago. I haven't spoken to him in a while, and hopefully, we're still friends, but that is one of my cherished memories of better times.
Moving back to the question, I'm a pretty different person once the lights are out and the music gets going, or so I'm told. I'm not the shy, reserved, quiet, almost angelic girl you see when the sun's out. On the other hand, I'm not wild either. I love to dance, and dancing, whether solo or with a partner, is just that - dancing. It doesn't mean anything to me, although I do understand that other people, particularly the guys in the clubs, might feel otherwise.
I'd expound on this, but dinner calls.
Last night wasn't too great - for every girl, I saw nine guys, and while you might think that that's good news for me since I'm decidedly straight, the thing is over half them were obviously gay. And not even the good-looking kind of guy, just the small, scrawny, in some cases old and disgusting, gay.
Who are you when the lights go out? That was the theme for Lawler's Lights Out tour. It's an intriguing concept, I've got to admit. And as a (closet) fan of darkness, it appeals to me. I'm afraid of the dark, but when I'm with someone, or rather, a certain someone, it certainly does have its moments. For instance, I remember the darkness of my high school field celebrating the Mid-Autumn festival with the guy who would eventually become my boyfriend just over five years ago. I haven't spoken to him in a while, and hopefully, we're still friends, but that is one of my cherished memories of better times.
Moving back to the question, I'm a pretty different person once the lights are out and the music gets going, or so I'm told. I'm not the shy, reserved, quiet, almost angelic girl you see when the sun's out. On the other hand, I'm not wild either. I love to dance, and dancing, whether solo or with a partner, is just that - dancing. It doesn't mean anything to me, although I do understand that other people, particularly the guys in the clubs, might feel otherwise.
I'd expound on this, but dinner calls.
Friday, October 11, 2002
I guess I should have known. By the time I got home from work last night, my body was screaming for human contact. When I went to bed three hours later, not having seen a soul and pretty much with only my PC and books for company, I was so tense that sleep didn't come easily. Suffice to say I had some pretty strange dreams, and woke up incredibly disoriented and couldn't quite figure out that today was indeed Friday and that I still had to go to work.
Towards the later part of today, things started looking up. My colleagues told me to "go home!" because I haven't taken my early day in weeks. The birthday present I bought on a whim for my colleague turned out to be much appreciated even though I don't know her that well, so at least I'm still managing to choose good birthday gifts :o) I'll be popping off to a club later tonight for drinks and maybe some partying with some friends - and hopefully I'll get in for free because of my staff privileges. And the other thing - I won tickets and a CD to tomorrow night's gig by Satoshi Tomiie! Coolness and as my friend says, you lucky dog!
Although I do have to confess, I'm actually feeling like I need to club to cheese tonight, like all the student nights in England. But clubbing to cheese with my present crowd probably would be a) scandalous and b) a let-down. Clubbing to cheese is best done with a guy best friend, and I haven't seen him since June because we were in different countries, and then I was too busy with week. Now he's back in his final year at university, and I'll be waiting another year for a decent cheese jaunt.
Towards the later part of today, things started looking up. My colleagues told me to "go home!" because I haven't taken my early day in weeks. The birthday present I bought on a whim for my colleague turned out to be much appreciated even though I don't know her that well, so at least I'm still managing to choose good birthday gifts :o) I'll be popping off to a club later tonight for drinks and maybe some partying with some friends - and hopefully I'll get in for free because of my staff privileges. And the other thing - I won tickets and a CD to tomorrow night's gig by Satoshi Tomiie! Coolness and as my friend says, you lucky dog!
Although I do have to confess, I'm actually feeling like I need to club to cheese tonight, like all the student nights in England. But clubbing to cheese with my present crowd probably would be a) scandalous and b) a let-down. Clubbing to cheese is best done with a guy best friend, and I haven't seen him since June because we were in different countries, and then I was too busy with week. Now he's back in his final year at university, and I'll be waiting another year for a decent cheese jaunt.
Sunday, October 06, 2002
I feel like this a lot.
Not in the literal sense, of course, but... if you know me even at all remotely well, you'll be aware that I've been having my own religious conflicts from time to time, and that I still am going through them. I wish I had the answers... I really do.
Not in the literal sense, of course, but... if you know me even at all remotely well, you'll be aware that I've been having my own religious conflicts from time to time, and that I still am going through them. I wish I had the answers... I really do.
Saturday, October 05, 2002
I had so much fun at Oakenfold on Thursday. It's the best clubbing experience I've had since Cream in London last November. It was packed - 1300 tickets sold - and sure enough, there wasn't that much space, but I didn't have a problem. I can dance anywhere, anytime, anyhow, and the way I dance, people better make space for me. Okay, fine, I'm not as obnoxious and as belligerent as I sound... it's only when you decide to invade my space and stay there, then and only then, do you get whacked. And seeing as some of my dance moves come from my Body Combat/Khai-bo classes, trust me when I say that I can hurt.
I went with three friends - two guys and a girl, and it was fantastic. I even danced on the platform - something I've never done back home due to behavioural constraints - and just strutted my stuff, I guess. I was all dressed up, and didn't look too bad to my knowledge, but didn't get hit on by anyone, much to my disappointment. I usually only get hit on by people I would never ever dance or go out with in a million years, but at the same time, when you put in the effort to look good, you like to know that people have taken noticed of that. I do know some people were looking at me, but I'd like to see that how I look has a strong enough effect on people to make them come over and talk to me.
Oh, all right. I'm not that vain. It's just that people don't ever seem to notice me when I'm back home, and it's kind of bruising to my ego.
I did notice quite a fair number of cute guys at the club though. Wish I had the guts to go talk to them. Problem with the guys I noticed though was they were all Caucasian. The thing is that while I don't care what race they are, I have no wish to be defined by my friends as an SPG, as I'm not. The one that definitely attracted my attention had shoulder-length brownish-blond hair, and looked like an Australian surfer dude. I don't know how to attract a guy's attention in a club, and nor do I wish to make a fool out of myself since I have no doubt I'll be invariably rejected! Anyway, I have noticed some local guys... or to be more precise, one local guy, but that guy is not someone I can see having a relationship which is more than just friendship...
In any case, I'm not exactly looking for a relationship right now, as I've mentioned before. I don't have the time to, since I'm working and need to be focussed on my career, amd more importantly, I need to be over the ex before I can even think about such things, since it wouldn't be fair to the guy who would be going out with me if I'm still pining for someone else...
I went with three friends - two guys and a girl, and it was fantastic. I even danced on the platform - something I've never done back home due to behavioural constraints - and just strutted my stuff, I guess. I was all dressed up, and didn't look too bad to my knowledge, but didn't get hit on by anyone, much to my disappointment. I usually only get hit on by people I would never ever dance or go out with in a million years, but at the same time, when you put in the effort to look good, you like to know that people have taken noticed of that. I do know some people were looking at me, but I'd like to see that how I look has a strong enough effect on people to make them come over and talk to me.
Oh, all right. I'm not that vain. It's just that people don't ever seem to notice me when I'm back home, and it's kind of bruising to my ego.
I did notice quite a fair number of cute guys at the club though. Wish I had the guts to go talk to them. Problem with the guys I noticed though was they were all Caucasian. The thing is that while I don't care what race they are, I have no wish to be defined by my friends as an SPG, as I'm not. The one that definitely attracted my attention had shoulder-length brownish-blond hair, and looked like an Australian surfer dude. I don't know how to attract a guy's attention in a club, and nor do I wish to make a fool out of myself since I have no doubt I'll be invariably rejected! Anyway, I have noticed some local guys... or to be more precise, one local guy, but that guy is not someone I can see having a relationship which is more than just friendship...
In any case, I'm not exactly looking for a relationship right now, as I've mentioned before. I don't have the time to, since I'm working and need to be focussed on my career, amd more importantly, I need to be over the ex before I can even think about such things, since it wouldn't be fair to the guy who would be going out with me if I'm still pining for someone else...
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
Sigh. It just seems like I'm bouncing between anger and sadness when it comes to "affairs of the heart" as they so elegantly put it.
Anger - because the ex seems to believe that by telling me to move on and get over him, that that somehow makes it so much easier to do.
Sadness - because the ex thinks that my anger is part of my getting over him process - by demonising and villifying him so that I'll get over him quicker.
Anger - that he'd think that of me.
Sadness - that he'd think that of me.
It's not as if I haven't been trying. I don't feel like having another relationship right now, although I'm still noticing cute guys, and still getting the odd crush or two. I've asked for some guy's phone number already since I've been back (and for the record, the first time I've ever just walked up to an almost-complete stranger with the intent of getting a phone number) and there's this guy I'm sort of partial to (but am not interested in getting into a relationship with, or even a fling). But it's not easy.
I gave my whole self away to him - heart, not-quite-body and mind, and it's not that simple a process to reverse.
A little voice inside of me so badly wants to say to him, "You'll find that out when you really do fall in love one day" but that wouldn't be correct. At least I hope that it wouldn't be correct. I need to believe that he actually did love me during our time together. I sacrificed a fair bit of myself to be with him, and I still haven't been able to forgive myself for that...
Anger - because the ex seems to believe that by telling me to move on and get over him, that that somehow makes it so much easier to do.
Sadness - because the ex thinks that my anger is part of my getting over him process - by demonising and villifying him so that I'll get over him quicker.
Anger - that he'd think that of me.
Sadness - that he'd think that of me.
It's not as if I haven't been trying. I don't feel like having another relationship right now, although I'm still noticing cute guys, and still getting the odd crush or two. I've asked for some guy's phone number already since I've been back (and for the record, the first time I've ever just walked up to an almost-complete stranger with the intent of getting a phone number) and there's this guy I'm sort of partial to (but am not interested in getting into a relationship with, or even a fling). But it's not easy.
I gave my whole self away to him - heart, not-quite-body and mind, and it's not that simple a process to reverse.
A little voice inside of me so badly wants to say to him, "You'll find that out when you really do fall in love one day" but that wouldn't be correct. At least I hope that it wouldn't be correct. I need to believe that he actually did love me during our time together. I sacrificed a fair bit of myself to be with him, and I still haven't been able to forgive myself for that...
Words cannot express how relieved I am. I finally got my feedback regarding my week-long training and apparently, I did better than I thought! The trainer said that I was one of the top five performers in the entire group of 26, and gave me a 5/5 for "ability to grasp and apply material being taught" and I was one of the only ones to get that score in the entire group. I was given a 4/5 for my performance during training and class participation, which wasn't too bad, and I scored 90% for the surprise test - the second highest mark of all. I've been really really nervous about the whole thing as I thought I didn't too that well, appearing too tense, uptight and nervous during presentations, or just looking tired (since I have horrible bags and circles under the eyes). So all in all, I got an average score of 4+, one of only two people from my country's group to get it. WOO HOO!!!
Of course, that had to be balanced out by an exceedingly tough workload. I had a lot of complicated assignments today which required a lot of uregnt follow-up. I had hardly any time to look at the assignments I received today, or to follow up on assignments received the week before. My eyes were so tired I could barely focus on the screen, and I felt a headache on the verge of coming on for almost the whole day. And to top that off, I had to call my "favourite" colleague to argue my point in cases far too many times today.
I'll be going to Paul Oakenfold tomorrow. I'm really excited about it, as I'll be going with two of my colleagues and some of my brother's friends. There're 1300 tickets in total, 300 reserved to be sold tomorrow on the day itself, so hopefully, there'll be space inside to dance and more importantly, breathe.
Of course, that had to be balanced out by an exceedingly tough workload. I had a lot of complicated assignments today which required a lot of uregnt follow-up. I had hardly any time to look at the assignments I received today, or to follow up on assignments received the week before. My eyes were so tired I could barely focus on the screen, and I felt a headache on the verge of coming on for almost the whole day. And to top that off, I had to call my "favourite" colleague to argue my point in cases far too many times today.
I'll be going to Paul Oakenfold tomorrow. I'm really excited about it, as I'll be going with two of my colleagues and some of my brother's friends. There're 1300 tickets in total, 300 reserved to be sold tomorrow on the day itself, so hopefully, there'll be space inside to dance and more importantly, breathe.
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
I love musicals. I'm currently listening to the Broadway recording of one of my faves - Rent. My favourite songs on this are "Out Tonight" and "Another Day". I remember watching this earlier this year with my brother in London, and wishing that I had the person who played Mimi's voice, and her spunkiness and spirit. I really wish I had some sort of innate sexiness. For all I know, I can't look sexy at all. It's not natural for me. All I can do is look cute or sweet, and that doesn't work at all for me.
It's kind of disappointing that not one guy has even tried to hit on me since I've returned home; but then, I've always had some kind of anti-guy repellent whenever I'm back home. I'm well aware that there are many other girls around that are smaller, and more lithe than I'll ever be, but... I don't look that bad, surely?
It's kind of disappointing that not one guy has even tried to hit on me since I've returned home; but then, I've always had some kind of anti-guy repellent whenever I'm back home. I'm well aware that there are many other girls around that are smaller, and more lithe than I'll ever be, but... I don't look that bad, surely?
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