What kind of little girl were YOU?
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Ryan: Do you snore?
Marissa: No! (pause) I don't think so. I've never actually slept with someone before.
Ryan: Me neither. I'm usually climbing out the window or back into the front seat.
- The O.C., Episode 1.10: The Perfect Couple

Hee!

I've decided to just bide my time. I'm not making any moves, but am instead actively waiting for one of the two guys who I like to show some sort of initiative. After all, as my friend, A., commented yesterday, if there's only one side that's initiating all the moves, then it's very likely that the other party's not interested. And while I'm hoping like hell that that's not true in this particular case, I have to acknowledge the veracity of his words.

And to be completely honest, I'm not interested in being a friend. I'm very willing to cut my losses and walk away rather than reach some sort of compromise because I can't be just a friend right now. I can't act as if my feelings for him aren't what they so patently are and still be a friend.

As A. knows - a little too well - it's very difficult to be the one holding back, pretending to be something other than what you are.

So, A., this is for you. Thanks for being the person to whom I opened up completely - albeit very unexpectedly - and thanks also for reciprocating. Props also for reminding me that life is sometimes all about taking risks. I've put all other aspects of my life on the line before, but it's just rather difficult for me to do so when it comes to my love life. Appreciate the dinner, the drinks, the advice, the CD and most of all, the listening ear.

Merci beaucoup. May things turn out right for both of us... or if it comes down to it, just for you. I can deal. I've managed the past two years, haven't I?

I can't believe I haven't mentioned any of the non-work and non-self-reflection activities that I've indulged in over the past week.

June 19 - Saturday - James Zabiela - Zouk
"What you are about to experience... is a brand new vibe."
He is absolutely amazing. Not only is his choice of progressive house tracks consistently good, but he sure as hell can scratch. Yes - SCRATCH to house tracks. Who would have thought? And he's my age too! Just for that, I stayed on the dance floor dancing for three-and-a-half hours. James, you deserve all the accolades you've received so far and I know you've got more coming your way.
I almost forgot the visuals! Scenes from Lost In Translation, Bladerunner, Transformer cartoons... apparently all selected by James himself. All around - great stuff from tunes to visuals to atmosphere.

June 24 - Thursday - Animation Nation - Harvie Krumpet and Belleville Rendez-Vous
The short film, Harvie Krumpet, was melancholy and amusing at the same time. I love claymation which is done well and this was done with a peculiar sense of humour. Unless you see it, I can't really describe what I liked about it... but among other things, touching other people's noses, getting struck by lightning, nudity... heh.
Belleville Rendez-Vous was a classic French film - strange. Not as funny and sweet as I'd imagined, but the music was good. And I love the grandmother. Who wouldn't?

June 25 - Friday - Work
My office building and the one next to it received bomb threats. So did my company's other office in the city. Hundreds of people milling around outside after evacuation. Yet nothing in the news. I wonder why?

I've just finished attending a Negotiating Skills Training course which was unexpectedly fun and enjoyable to attend although it confirmed what I had previously thought - that I have a long ways to go when it comes to being a good negotiator.

Among other things, I tend to compromise too easily and need to be more flexible and creative when it comes to trying to break deadlocks. I also tend to be a little naive at times, believing what the other party is telling me when it need not necessarily be the truth. Moreover, I need to be prepared to walk away from the deal if it really stinks. But first and foremost, I need to know what I want.

On the other hand, what is good about me is that I'm sincere, truthful, friendly and easy-going and do try to find alternatives in order to come to a deal. And that I've good analytical skills though if you ask me, I would say only when it comes to facts, figures and text, not with people.

One of the other participants told me that he found me an intelligent, friendly lady who'll have a long successful future in my organisation.

If other people see that and I don't, and I most certainly don't feel that way, then where along the way have I lost that particular thread of myself? It's true that while I was on course, I didn't feel the pressure of being in the office and worrying what others thought of me, so... is there a way I can apply that to my work?

Don't Give Up On Me
Album: Don't Give Up On Me
Artiste: Solomon Burke

If I fall sure
If I don't make the grain
If your expectations is main then me.......today
It's always tomorrow
Or tomorrow night
Hang in there baby
Sooner or later, I know I get it right

Please, don't give up on me
Oh, please don't give up on me
I know it's late..late in the game
But my feelings, my true feelings haven't changed...here in my heart
I know I went wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong
I like to make a mens for that I ever ever ever ever shown
Just don't give up on me

Yeah, every word is true
I give you my everything
All of my love
All of my love
All of my love love love love love love love to you

Just don't give up on me
Oh please please please, don't give up on me
I don't want you to
I know it late
But please please please please
Don't give up on me
Promise, will you promise me, will you promise me
Please, don't give up on me

We can make it if we try
I'm gonna hold on hold on with me
And don't give up on me
He-he-he-hey
Oh oh ooooohhhhhhhhhhh baby oh baby oh baby

Please don't give up on me
Whatever you do
We want make it, make it through
Don't you give up on me
Please please please, promise me..

Don't give up on me

And once again, it's time to return to one of my favourite themes: all men are b******s.

Not that anything in particular has happened to me of late, but just that... why is it that each and every man that we meet turns out to be some sort of jerk in one way or other? They're either two-timing sons of b****es who claim that they weren't out to hurt anyone and give some lame-ass excuse about how they didn't realise you felt that way possibly because you were hiding your feelings to protect yourself... or they're just so freakin' dumb and obtuse.

I don't like putting myself out there, leaving myself all vulnerable and open to getting hurt. Yet, I have done so on more than one occasion. You think it's easy for me to just send out signals - signals which I know are obvious enough to anyone that I'm interested or that I wouldn't mind if you made a move - and just wait for you to give me some sort of indication of how you feel? I'm not a mind-reader.

This is why I prefer Western men. No doubt that they're even greater b******s than local guys, but still, they're easier to handle. You know where you stand with them because Caucasians are such decadent people. You don't have to worry about whether your actions will find some sort of reciprocity and on top of that, you know you'll enjoy the ride. Problem is... if you fall in too deep, you're going to have a hell of a time trying to excavate yourself from the hole you've managed to throw yourself into.

I'm just so sick of men. MEN with their idiotic attitudes towards life, love and everything. Men who reek of desperation and show their hands far too early and men who just seem to be oblivious to everything, including the giant sign that's shoved in their faces that say, "Hello, you a******! I LIKE YOU!" Don't call me a good friend and a nice person. I don't want to be your f***ing friend, okay? And I most definitely don't want to be thought of by you as "nice."

And I'm tired. Tired of doing all the work. Tired of asking people out. It's not as if they're not interested. It's like they're just too damn lazy. Or maybe I should just give up. If you're not interested enough to ask me out, then perhaps you're like one of those friends I should be giving up on. If I'm not worth the effort, why shouldn't I think the same of you?

And on another note... I was browsing through my Friendster today and I saw that Overseas Guy had posted a new photo. My heart skipped a beat. Clearly, I still do have a crush on you. When you return, what on earth am I going to do?

Can you believe how much I've changed over the years? I was such a private person a couple of years ago that one of my best friends only found out the reasons why I broke up with my first boyfriend and why he and I haven't been on good terms since a few months after the break-up even though we seemed okay initially. And she's the first among my good friends to know the whole story... mainly because the whole story involves a few friends in our circle.

All of this happened five years ago. Can you believe that people still want to know what happened?

But in any case, my friend and I agreed that we shouldn't be wasting our time and effort trying to keep in touch with people who clearly can't be bothered to put in even 10% of the effort we've put in. And these are the same kind of people who when you bump into in the streets say "Oh! How nice it is to see you! It's been too long! Keep in touch!" and who we've known for five years or more.

We've been keeping our side of the bargain. If you don't even bother to reply to our e-mails and other attempts at contact, then it just goes to show us what you think of us and what kind of person you are.

And to you, I say this. Screw you. I don't need people like you in my life. "Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young." Hah. Screw that too.

And if you have the audacity to get mad, citing reasons of work and all other time-consuming activities, then, I have only one thing left to say.

At least I've tried to fit you in my life. Can you say the same?

Ah. The O.C. and first kisses. Between two extremely hot people. And one of the two being an exceedingly adorable, tough, incredibly attractive hot-blooded male who clearly knows how females like to be kissed (Hands on the face, arms down the shoulders... wake up, guys, caress the girl while you kiss. It'll do wonders. Trust me.).

This is getting to be a habit. As long as The O.C. is showing on television, I'll be gushing or grumbling on my blog accordingly.

Oh, Ryan. Wouldst that thou couldst be mine!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
- Erica Jong

My Personal Style Profile
According to Yasmin

You're Body And Soul.

Whether you're considering everyday matters, or at a crossroads with a major decision to make, the choices you make come from your body and soul. A balance of sensitivity and physicality, you're not short on feelings or shy about expressing them. A natural flirt, relationships seem a little easier to you, since people gravitate towards you. Your charming, friendly nature also helps you adapt to just about any person or situation.

Not easily shaken, you're confident, expressive and will do just about anything in the name of fun. Nothing too outrageous though, since you've got a good gut instinct for staying out of trouble.

But if there's something new to be experienced, you're in the front row. New people? New parties? New environment? It's what you thrive on. You like change, and you're not quite ready to settle down yet.

Your natural charm is a gift. Whether you're defusing a tense situation, interviewing for a job or meeting a new guy, use it to your advantage.

Chicane's Saltwater, Underworld's Born Slippy and Faithless's Salva Mea are tunes which never fail to affect me profoundly whenever I hear them played. They have a very physical effect on me; I find it difficult to breathe, almost as if the sheer presence of the song is suffocating. Saltwater in particular turns me on very much. It's a very arousing song, with a fantastic climax. I'm not sure what would happen if they played it in a club and I was with someone I liked.

And I guess, that's why I like progressive and trance clubbing more than I do other kinds. The high I get from them is much more euphoric than any other high I get from other kinds of music. The high is kind of sporadic and unpredictable though. Sometimes the DJ's good and you get high and sometimes, he's just not.

For hip hop clubbing, on the other hand, I know for sure that I'll have a good time. I'll enjoy myself and it's all fun and sexy. But there's no such high to be obtained here.

Listening to live music... it's kind of like hip hop clubbing but not as strenuous. And on a night like tonight when I got to listen to Coldplay, Radiohead, U2 and Five For Fighting played live, as well as to The Cure and The Darkness and Coldplay some more during the break... it's terribly relaxing and soothing.

What on earth would I do without music?

I work, therefore I am.

Sad, but true.

It's been a little confusing lately. I had a three-and-a-half hour chat with a friend on Friday night, where she was telling me that I shouldn't use work as an excuse not to get involved with this seemingly-perfect guy who I've recently met. FYI, I'm kind of a suspicious person. I don't buy that someone so great could suddenly come into my life without some sort of catch. And work has been so incredibly bad the last few weeks that I honestly find it difficult to fathom being able to manage work, family and the gym, much less other interests and friends. Now, throw a boyfriend into that equation, and you'll find that I'll have dropped everything. Even worse if it turns out that that guy's not who I thought he was and I end up getting hurt. I definitely wouldn't be able to cope with work and heartbreak at the same time.

But yes, I do know that if I were to take this approach, I wouldn't be giving him a fair trial. I'm not that silly. I'm just risk-averse. But then again, that is what I do for a living. How else would you expect me to approach this?

My friend also advised me not to be all Ally McBeal and find strange flaws in him. Granted, given my attention to detail, there's a possibility that I might have ended up doing that, but again, I doubt that'll happen.

Ironically enough, on Sunday, when I went out with him, I didn't need a microscope at all to find the flaw that would deter me. Rather, I was thumped over the head with it. It was that obvious. And it doesn't have anything to do with his character, personality or looks. It's just that... he's got a lot on his plate right now. If he's not tied up with work, he's got a lot going on with his family. And I do mean a lot. Plus, while I'm not a private investigator or anything, I'm getting the feeling that there may be ex-girlfriend issues as well.

So, I'm sensing that this may not be a great time for him. Well, duh.

The thing is... If I do get involved with him and it turns out that he's not right for me and I decide to end it, I'd feel awful seeing as he's got so much to handle. But on the other hand, if I stayed in a relationship out of pity, wouldn't that be well... living a lie? And if he really is having ex-girlfriend issues, wouldn't I be making his already-complicated life that much more complicated?

Truth be told, I can handle everything else that's going on, but I can't deal with ex issues. I'd much rather wait for him to sort everything out before going any further. But that approach implies that I'd have to be willing to wait. Right now, I do have the willingness to wait, but the ability to wait... Now that's a different kettle of fish all together. I can't guarantee that I won't meet other people and that I won't fall for them. I mean, just look at what happened with the other guy I had been having a crush on since the beginning of the year. I know I sound really bad, but I've only known this current guy for a month now. Anything can happen.

So... What should I do?

Damn, but the line-up for this year's Bestival looks good. I mean, just look at the headliners: Fatboy Slim, Basement Jaxx and Zero 7. I've been lucky enough to see the first two live and they are amazingly brilliant. They're fantastic performers and I love their enthusiasm. I haven't had the chance to see Zero 7 live yet, but I did really enjoy Simple Things. Nice and chill.

I wish I was in England and had the chance to go see all these festivals.

"They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie. To be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody is watching me. I saw you last night, I see you working here today. You're not special; you're extraordinary."
- Xander Harris, Buffy The Vampire Slayer (Episode 7.12 - Potential)

Sniff.

Saw the world famous Count Basie Orchestra last night.

They are truly awesome. Butch Miles, the drummer, has a hell of a lot of energy. I want to learn the drums now. I want to be him.

Whoa.

I haven't been happy about work for some time now. I've got a terribly insensitive boss who is obviously very intelligent and capable, but... sucks amazingly at people management. Since May, I've been dying under an unmanageable workload which I knew (and have known since March) would only get worse in June, and her response was... to bring my deadlines forward. Yay.

However, since this week, I've been pretty happy. My supervisor/buddy/confidant has returned from being on leave the past week. I managed to build a working financial model by myself. And it seems as if I might be able to get one of my assignments in by the deadline whereupon I previously thought I wouldn't be able to get any of them in at all. And I've been researching all about the industry I'm looking into and feeling that same rush I used to get when I was writing Philosophy essays in the middle of the night before the essay's due. There are no words to describe the adrenaline rush, that feeling of euphoria from having discovered that one fact that you just know will impress the examiner.

And I guess, that's why I haven't yet decided to leave my job.

I just watched The O.C. - The Rescue (Episode 1.08). Ryan (Benjamin MacKenzie) is such a gentleman. He's the consummate bad boy, and yet with Marissa (Mischa Barton), he's sweet, gentle, kind, patient, understanding and... still beneath it all, he projects this tough guy, bad boy kind of charm. Tonight's episode was so good that I fell in love with him several times over.

It certainly helps that he's not at all bad looking and that he has this puppy dog look that just tugs at your heartstrings.

I want him to be my boyfriend. Sigh.

The One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into His sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen My spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -- and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

But I can't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to My own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND she can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

She is soft ," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made Her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?" asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!! Women have strengths that amaze men:

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love, and joy.

They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can help to heal a broken heart.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning!

They bring joy and hope. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends.

omen have vital things to say and everything to give.

However if there's one flaw in women, it is that they tend to forget their own worth.

Author Unknown (But I suspect it's adapted from Erma Bombeck's When God Created Mothers)

Whoever said money can't buy happiness has absolutely no clue where to shop.

When the good people at Isetan Mango called me today to inform me that they just received the teal silk tie-dyed dress which I had been looking for for the last couple of weeks, I ran down there fast as I could to try it on and then promptly bought it just as the shop was closing.

As of this moment, I am the happiest girl in the world.

Bring it on!

For the record, he did call - on Friday at lunch time, and we spoke for like ten minutes before some work-related task called for his attention. After spilling my guts out to my friends yesterday (who initially advised me not to call him or SMS him or make the first move in any way but changed their views once I described him in more detail and were telling me to CALL the bloody b****r because he sounds perfect for me) and discovering that in the midst of the gut-spilling, that he had SMS'd to find out what I was doing that night, I called him and ended up speaking on my mobile while at home for 45 minutes. My wallet is wincing even now.

So, I didn't scare him off. Phew. Although that just means I'll have to work harder. Heh. Apparently, he was busy with work. That, and his ex-girlfriend had popped back to Singapore for a short visit and he was spending some time with her. ("Aww. That means he's sentimental!" gushed my friend. "So?" I snorted. Clearly, we're not seeing eye to eye on certain of his qualities. That, and whenever people mention meeting up with their ex-es, I always feel a little wary.)

Now, there's a new problem. I'm mega-busy with work. He's busy with work too, with the compounding problem of being in a job which requires his presence at the work place for more than 24 hours at one time almost every week, which naturally renders the poor boy rather tired for the rest of the work while he catches up on paperwork.

It seems as if I've got two prospects now. Mr. Overseas and Not Sure If He's Going To Stay In Singapore (with whom I purportedly have 59% compatibility) or Mr. Exceedingly Busy and Not Always Available (compatibility: 94%). The way I look at it, I should just give up on the idea of steady relationships altogether and indulge in flings and short-term relationships so that my commitment-phobia won't come into play, and secondly, I don't have to bother so much about the fact that these guys may not be around for me whenever I really need someone.

Bah.

I spent the day with my girlfriends yesterday. We had a nice time doing what girls normally do: bitch, shop and alternate between chatting and commiserating with one another. Despite the fact that my friends disagree over my opinion that "friends are the new family" (re: Ethan Watters's Urban Tribes and the ESRC Group on Care, Values and the Future of Welfare's paper), these far-too-rare times in which I get to spill everything to my old friends are far more therapeutic than any glorious spa session combined with the most accomplished and expensive psychiatrist you could hire.

At the end of the night, I had returned home, friend-in-tow, with two newly acquired CDs and another lacy/frilly clubbing top from Future State (who seem to make tops that fit me extremely well), for dinner, which was a multi-cultural concoction of roti john, curry chicken pie and sweetcorn soup. We adjourned to my room later to partake of the Black Eyed Peas, which was either a mistake or a stroke of brilliance, depending on how you look at it, because it put us in the mood for some hip hop clubbing, so we ended up walking out at 2330 h to get a cab to go to Cheeky Monkeys (S$20 for cover inclusive of one drink - kind of a rip off it you ask me).

Cheeky Monkeys was... an experience, to say the least. It wasn't jam-packed with people but it was certainly very crowded. I was hit on by a guy who wanted to dance with me (in a panic, I asked my seasoned friend what to do, but with all the loud music, she thought I wanted her to tell the guy to f*** off, so she did exactly that. Heh.) and by another girl, who thought I was a really hot Japanese chick. Suffice it to say that if you want some action, this is the place to go. With cheap drinks (apparently S$3 all night), sexy music, lots of bumping and grinding, I half-felt like letting go and half-felt like running out of there screaming. Part of the night I was like, "I'm Catholic!! Don't do anything to me! Please!!!"

It's not that I'm a prude or a homophobe. It's just that I'm thoroughly unequipped to deal with situations like these. I've rarely been hit on - be it in clubs or other places, and especially not in hip hop clubs, which are dens that reek of sexiness and sin, and therefore, I don't know how to react despite the fact that I can dance to the music pretty damn well. Men - and women - here just get so up-close-and-personal, moving their hands all over your body, and sometimes even moving in for the kiss, which is the part that I dread the most. Maybe I shouldn't assume they'll do that because in my capacity as observer, they certainly didn't do that with my friend (but then again, my friend is the one who does the moving in, so she isn't exactly a typical case-in-point), but my point is: if they did, how am I supposed to react? I'm really helpless in these kind of situations and despite the fact that I'm quite aggressive and fierce at work and in life, that's only verbally. I'm not sure how I'll react when I'll have to be aggressive instead of act aggressive.

And yes, this applies to far more dangerous situations, like muggers and potential rapists. Will I be able to summon up the latent courage and confidence in myself to act? I sure as hell hope so.

I've been CD shopping recently. The latest additions to my already considerable CD collection are:
Black Eyed Peas - Elephunk
Outkast - Speakerboxxx/The Love Below
Massive Attack - 100th Window
Avril Lavigne - Let Go
Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way

Total spent: S$32.75 (S$6.55 per CD).

How on earth did I get such a good deal? It's thanks to two people: the good folks at the National Arts Council who kindly gave me a S$50 Heeren voucher for purchasing tickets to the Count Basie Orchestra concert this upcoming Friday, and the fine people at Gramophone who were selling the last two CDs at slash prices - S$10.95 for Avril and S$11.95 for the Chilis. How could I possibly resist?

The next CD which I've got my sights on is this:
Sasha - Involver
With such a rave review and a (new!) remix of UNKLE's In A State, how could I possibly not want to buy the CD? Plus, it's Sasha. In the producing/remixing field, he is God.

It's been more than 60 hours since I last heard from him.

Does he think that I'm a psycho stalker nutcase? Why doesn't he call? Or even just SMS?