Travel plans decided. Upon return from training, will leave for Germany and London. Returning October 4th. Most likely no updates till then.

Conversation between my friend (please refer to entry below), myself and a fellow clubber who discovered we stay near each other:
Question: Where do you stay?

Clubber: Region A.
Myself: (Same answer)
Clubber: Really? We can share a cab ride home. (To my friend) Is she your girlfriend?
My friend: No.
Clubber: If you want to send her home, it's all right. But I'll be in that cab.

Heh.

Went to Crasher at Centro last night. Very good night even though I didn't get high on anything much. I didn't feel like it, being very stressed about leaving tomorrow for the final phase of my training programme. I still haven't packed and I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon for three weeks. In fact, I was half-determined to get drunk that night, and I guess it's good that I was with a friend who was taking care of me making sure I didn't drink much... plus the drinks were very watered down! So two wines, a bourbon coke... some more bourbon coke and a B-52 later, I still wasn't high.

Anyway, Agnelli & Nelson were good, dropping some pretty cool tunes at choice moments, such as Delerium's Silence, Andain's Beautiful Things, Motorcycle's As the Rush Comes In and many other eminently danceable tunes. I was trying to force myself to have fun but wasn't succeeding until I just downed a B-52, threw myself into the middle of the crowd in the midst of the strains of Silence and proceeded to dance like mad for two consecutive hours without a break. It's the longest I've danced since I've returned home, and considering that I was already exhausted due to my participating in a car rally earlier in the day which had me running all over the island, that's no mean feat. My legs are aching today, and I think I may have developed even more leg muscles after all that jumping. I was lightstick-ing too, which is not something any good raver actually admits to as there're two schools of thought on that. The Gatecrasher MC, Chris L, was mad, as in crazy-mad. I was taking a photo with a fellow clubber when he crashed in, grabbed me and we ended up having our photo taken. Heh.

At the end of the night - 3.35 am for an event slated to end at 3 am - we went out to find another clubber sleeping at the doorway to Centro. Despite being told that my friend and I could leave, we still stayed there until we knew my clubbing friend was being taken care of. Despite not being able to do anything, I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to leave him there, just lying in the grass sleeping. It's just not right, even if I don't know him that well. In the end, another clubber ended up taking him to his own home. Guess it's a good thing that I didn't manage to get drunk.

Yes, I was clubbing with the same friend I went clubbing with a couple of weeks ago, but this time, no sexy dancing ensued. It was just nice being with him though. Comfortable shoulders to lean on, and a nice guy to talk to overall. Personality-wise, we get on really well, but physical chemistry... it's a little awkward for me as he's my guy best friend's best friend... and I've already gone steady with said guy best friend's other best friend so I don't want to make our circle of friends any more incestuous than it already is. And yes, the power of my mind can overpower all these other feelings. It's just weird, you know? Like there's been a barrier placed between me and all these other guys 'cos they're my friends and I want them to remain friends, and not lose their friendships ever, so I won't do anything with them.

I hate searching for cheap flights to Europe, especially given the recent announcement that Al-Qaeda had planned to hijack a plane from London's Heathrow or Gatwick Airport in order to plow it into a major landmark in September.

Damn it, guys, I'm trying to go on holiday here. Can't you delay your plans till Christmas? That'll make it especially poignant.

I apologise. Gallows humour helps me keep my head on straight and maintain my perspective on life. I'm just so damn frustrated trying to find a return flight to London or Paris that costs less than 450 pounds, inclusive of taxes. The German exploration is going to tax my already-strained finances, as it is.

I was having a discussion with my father about Viagra and Levitra (or however the new drug is spelt), and I went, "But don't all these drugs just kill the spontaneity of the whole thing?" (due to having to take it several hours or 1/2 hour before sex, depending on the drug.)

I can't remember my dad's reply but I do remember a voice in my head telling me that this was my father I was having this discussion with and to shut the hell up before I said something I regret.

Heh.

I'm afraid that my colleagues saw the crazier side of me today. While helping out with the giving out of goodie bags at the registration desk (which consisted of sorting out how many adult and kid bags we had to give out, and therefore had me turning around and yelling: "Two adults, two kids!" quite a number of times), I added in other bits, such as:

- Would you like fries with that?

- Upsize your order! Only 50 cents!

- Batteries not included!

- Sand comes free. (As the party was being held at a beach, and sand was getting on the gifts.)

- Cancel that order! (When that person had already been served.)

They also saw me offering sample responses when someone asked how we should respond to unreasonable guests who might want gifts which were only available to people working for my company... largely consisting of "F*** off!" said in a rather exasperated British tone.

Ever since I started working in sales, I've been happier, crazier... but also swearing a lot more. I hope I get some more control over the last bit!

Had a teambuilding event yesterday. It left me absolutely exhausted by dinner time (at a great seafood place located by a small marina) but nevertheless, I still went to the AEMF pre-tour held at the St. James's Powerhouse, organised by Centro. Why? Because we had free tickets and the line-up of Junkie XL, Slacker and Nubreed looked very attractive. I left long before they come on because I had a long day today (my company's Family Day) but the local warm-up DJ (Janson, from Frontal Labs) was pretty good, despite having very little people pay attention to him. The venue of the party, held at a former power station, was very cool. The acoustics were wonderful, and the sound system was awesome. Much better than the other clubs I've been to back here. My recreation club chairman, who is most likely 12 years older than I am and who was watching my colleague and I dance (described by another colleague as "real techo-raver style"), commented that the trip to the club was "nice... good fun... and educational." Heh.

Family Day was great. The theme for this year was Survivor. There were more people than last year, and it didn't look as if there was much that they could complain about. The queues for the food, unlike last year, were manageable. There were plenty of goodie bags and free gifts to be given out. The survivor-themed games looked to be fun, even though we had trouble drumming up support and participation. The music played by the DJ was not bad; he threw in a couple of my favourites, including Safri Duo and Run DMC, although he ran out of music and played a couple of tracks more than once.

The bad thing was... the weather was typical. It was terribly hot and despite my constant reapplication of sunblock SPF 30, I still got slightly burnt and my face is considerably darker. I don't like tanning. I never have. I'm not a stereotypical Chinese in that I want to be fair like the whites, but it's just that I tan so darn easily and I don't lose the tan even after months of not being in the sun. Grrr.

Would you think there's something wrong with me if I confessed that I'm fascinated by Secretary?

I haven't watched it yet, but I think the plot sounds incredibly engrossing.

The first time I read this, I instantly thought about the ex, who has approximately the same size feet that I have.

Gotcha. :o)

Everyone remembers the 'faked-orgasm-in-a-deli' sequence from your kind of movie When Harry Met Sally. It seems that you're falling for a buddy or have already fallen for them. Uh-oh. You're probably caught between the possibility of having a great relationship and wrecking the one you have now. You know what they say, it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?




What's your sexual appeal?
Both quizzes brought to you by Quizilla

The Global Terrorism Index 2003-2004 has been compiled. The GTI is a listing of 186 countries, ranking them from most vulnerable as a terrorist target to least vulnerable, by judging them on the following criteria: Cmotivation, capabilities and presence of terrorist groups, potential scale of the damage and effectiveness of counter-terrorism forces.

The top ten are as follows:
1. Colombia
2. Israel
3. Pakistan
4. United States
5. Philippines
6. Afghanistan
7. Indonesia
8. Iraq
9. India
10. UK
10. Sri Lanka

Now, no. 5, the Philippines, is the most dangerous country to be in the Asia Pacific region, if I were to take this ranking at face value. Guess whose company doesn't give a s***? Guess whose company will be sending her to which country for three weeks for RISK MANAGEMENT TRAINING come September? B****y ironic, if you ask me.

I want to let you in on a secret. I'm not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me. I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend. Sometimes I want to rip off the façade like I did at the spring formal. But I can't because you'll get scared and you'll run away again. So I decided that it's better than live with the lie than expose my true feelings.

My dad said there are two types of girls -- the ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me. Because I think you're worth the wait.

- Chloe, Smallville, Episode 2-16: Fever

I've been hearing some of my friends rant about this club in town, about how the club lets you in instantly if you're a Caucasian, or if you're a pretty, hip, cool female.

I've also had other friends tell me that girls have it easier in the corporate world. That all they have to do is sit down and look pretty and they'll advance really quickly just by smiling and nodding when the time is right.

I must stress that I haven't tried either of the above... but I, to be quite frank, don't see the harm if it benefits me. If I can get into a club quicker because I look good, or if part of my quick advancement is due to my beauty, then I don't mind. If I've got it, why not flaunt it?

Mind you, if this works against me, and someone prettier than I am gets promoted over me, or if they get into the club and I don't, I may feel differently. But if I can make use of it, would it be bad of me to admit that I don't really mind using my assets in this way?

Can I help it if I like challenges? That, in fact, I prefer challenges to a sure-thing? And that, sometimes, most times, that extends to the guys I like too?

I blame my upbringing, having come from a background where I was constantly given intellectually demanding work to do. That, and the Philosophy.

I am a complicated girl. And I like complicated things.

You want to make something out of it?

Where to go, where to go...

Germany or the US? Or some other place all together?

Help!

While it is a fact that I cannot stand the cold, it cannot be disputed that there is no greater sensation in the world than being in a warm, cosy room when outside, all is freezing and frosty. Sadly, the converse cannot be said to be anywhere near as great a feeling; walking into a cool, air-conditioned place when the sun is blazing down fiercely outside is refreshing, but cannot come close to say, snuggling underneath a warm duvet after having just come in from the cold.

The nearest thing I can find over here, is crawling underneath my quilt when the air-conditioner makes my room too cold, but unfortunately, it can't quite compare.

Yay! I knew I loved him for a reason! Well... no... actually, I'm in love with him for reasons which don't have anything to do with his noble character. Heh.

I'm a huge Sarah McLachlan fan and to me, few of her songs can be topped by doing anything to it. However, much to their credit, Blank & Jones have managed to make Angel, a fantastic song originally, even better by remixing it for their Relax album. They've somehow made it even more... not touching, and definitely not emotional, but somehow, just a little more listenable that it was originally. You would have thought that the adding in of the chill-out beats that Blank & Jones have employed would have ruined the acoustic impact of the song. But they didn't.

The original was touching and haunting, and the remix has lost a bit of that, granted. However, I can definitely envisage myself slow dancing to this version now, with someone I love. The original... more likely, I'd have been singing along with it mournfully, if you get what I mean. Anyway, for both versions, they're really worth listening to on repeat a dozen times.

I finally managed to download Motorcycle's As The Rush Comes In, and it's a mindblowing piece of trance. Once again, Gabriel & Dresden have done it. I'm rapidly becoming a fan, after falling head over heels for Andain's Beautiful Things (Gabriel & Dresden remix) while clubbing a couple of weeks back. G & D are good producers. You should try some of their stuff.

If you're interested in the latest trance tunes, you should go to Chris Pork's web site. He posts the latest hit tunes, or soon to be hit trance tracks, on his web site. Updated on a regular basis with good commentary. Awesome web site.

Me (to my dad who's looking at computer brochures): There's an Apple roadshow at my company this month.
My mother (thinking I mean the fruit): What kind of apples?

Hee.

And now... a sweet, quiet, acoustic soft rock piece (cover?) by a relatively unknown band.

My Favorite Regret
from Pacific Ocean Blues by Gigolo Aunts

Will you be my favorite regret?
Could I be your sweetest mistake?
Trade one step back for two ahead
Just a little time that's all
Don't be afraid to fall
This catch I won't forget
My favorite regret

Won't you let me chip away the stone?
Are you really better off alone?
Won't you let your guard down one more time
Just like I've done mine
We'll look until we find something
Neither will forget
My favorite regret (x2)

Will you be my favorite regret?
Cut the strings attached but save the thread
I know your feelings are probably right
But just this once tonight
As you lie in your bed
Place a little on this bet
My favorite regret (x5)

Best line of Smallville thus far

Chloe (to bossy linguistic expert): You're the cunning linguist. Why don't you translate this? Kiss. My. Ass.
- Episode 2-14: Rush, Smallville

Lana (near tears): I know why Chloe was kissing you, Clark... But why were you kissing her back?
- Episode 2-14: Rush, Smallville

Just catching up on my weekly dose of Smallville, especially since I didn't have the time to watch last week's episode until today. Watching Rush brought back memories of my own high school relationship, or to be more accurate, the break up aftermath. I had gone out with a friend yesterday to watch the holiday fireworks, and in the midst of the whole occasion, he had asked me if my first relationship had left me with scars. An understandable question, given I did tell him that at this point in time, that I despise my first boyfriend. I had laughed the question off initially. "Scars?" I said incredulously. "I wouldn't give him that much credit. Or power."

Truth is, I guess my first relationship did left me with some emotional scars. My ex was, and continues to be, a close friend to some of my own close friends. Given how I feel towards him right now, you can guess that it may create some awkward situations. To be quite frank, I'm fine being with the same room as him. However, I wouldn't have any meaningful conversations, or tell him how stressed I feel about my job, or anything that I usually talk to my good friends with. I do tend to flaunt whatever guys I'm dating or seeing at the moment in his face - but in a subtle way. It's not a mature thing to do, granted, but... oh well.

The funny thing is that we continued to be good friends even after we broke up, even though it was a very painful break up. Neither of us wanted to break up, but at the same time, I had no wish to continue in a relationship where the other party clearly had no time for me. But seeing as we were friends, and that we had many mutual friends, the "official" story was that it was mutual. It was fine, for a bit, even though it still hurt like hell whenever I saw him, because it just rammed home the fact that we were no longer together even though we both still loved each other. But, as with everything, s*** happens, sometimes for no good reason (even though I do acknowledge that the reason for our break up was a very compelling one), and one just has to take it.

And then, the incident happened. I heard that he had got together with someone I knew, a good friend, a close friend - but also, ironically, someone who I thought my ex had had feelings for before we had gotten together, just a couple of months after we had split. Three months, to be precise, after our relationship of two years had ended. And it hurt. It hurt way more than anything I had ever experienced and I spent days crying myself to sleep, trying to keep my pain hidden from my family who was visiting for the Christmas holidays. And I was determined to find out whether it was true, so a couple of weeks later, when I was in the same town he was in, I finally confronted him.

I still remember the fear and trepidation with which I relayed the stories I'd heard, and I do recall saying something similar to what Lana said to Clarke in that episode. I can understand why she might have done it, but you? Why? And he was angry - irate that such stories had been going around, and furious that I had believed them. I, of all people. In tears, I told him. It was your housemate who was the source of the rumours! And another of your good friends! How could I not have believed them?

He eventually got both parties up to explain and apologise to me. But the damage had already been done. Hearing such stories from what would have been 100% accurate and reliable sources does hurt almost as much as if the stories had been true. And we had parted on that note. This incident ruined our relationship for good. He was still mad at me for believing the stories. And I was too upset to speak to him after everything that had happened.

Funny thing is, he wasn't mad at his housemate and his friend. They just kind of laughed it off. To my knowledge, they're all still good friends.

What's the status now? The ex seems to be fine with me now, just that he has no time for anyone - as usual. I, on the other hand, as mentioned earlier, despise him. A couple of months later, he e-mailed me, just saying that he hadn't heard from me in a couple of months and was wondering how I'd been. Just those few words. That was all. No apologies for somehow blaming me for the entire situation despite the fact that it wasn't my fault. Nothing said about how sorry he was for the way things turned out, even if he wasn't to blame either. Just somehow an expectation that our relationship would pick up from where we left off - as good friends. But things were different now. He was indeed to blame - for what happened after, for being mad at me, and for never ever apologising, and just taking it for granted that I hadn't been hurt, and hurt badly.

And I did try to put it all behind me about a year ago. But now... you know what? I'm tired of all the effort I put into trying to maintain our friendship. I've always put in more work into us than you ever did. I'm tired of all the "I'm really busy right now, but I'll call you soon." I don't give a damn if you were my first love, and that, in my eyes, automatically makes it a relationship that I should do my best to maintain, since I'll always have a special spot in my heart for the feelings you awoke in me. I cherish what we had, but everything after... I do wish things had turned out differently. But for now, you can take all your words of friendship and cram it where the sun doesn't shine. Don't get me wrong though. I'm over the pain, but not over the hate. Because, you bastard, it may have been a few years already, but I don't know whether I can forgive someone who has never ever apologised for the pain that you caused me.

And yes, I am scarred. I'm afraid to get involved with friends, or with people my friends know. I'm worried about what happens when the relationship ends. How does one ever calculate whether the risks are worth it?

I've been working late every day this week. And every day of last week, come to think of it. And I'm just so tired of that. I've got news of my permanent posting, and yes, it's the place I've been campaigning to go since earlier in the year, so that's good. Bad thing is: the department's changed a lot since I was there. More than a few people have left, and it looks like I'm going to be under a rather stern and demanding supervisor. I'm rather apprehensive. I feel a little like I've been struggling through my job for the past year only to emerge from darkness to discover that my world isn't, in fact, going to improve, but rather, it's going to get much, much worse.

Rant: I cannot stand poor English. My fellow countrypeople are notorious for using a local slang version of English, and if any of you are reading this, DO YOU HAVE ANY F***ING IDEA HOW B****Y DIFFICULT IT IS TO UNDERSTAND? Can't any of you be bothered to spell properly? And my goodness, do you not have the ability to utilise just one question mark rather than five? Yes. I am a pedant. And yes, I tend to respect those with good English more than I would ever respect someone with poor linguistic abilities. I don't care what you say about me. Just be sure you use that damned spell check first.

In a late night - or early morning, depending on how you look at it - conversation held recently, a friend - a friend who I'm beginning to speak more with - said that now that he was single, he was getting to know the girls which he'd held in reserve better. During the course of that conversation, I so badly wanted to ask, was I one of those girls?

But I didn't. I wasn't sure which answer I wanted to hear more.

I attended a friend's a cappella concert yesterday back at my high school, a place I hadn't visited in the last five years. And while I felt too old to be back there, it also felt oddly like home. And trust me, few places give me that feeling. To me, my high school, despite the fact that I didn't enjoy the two years I was there due to the immense pressure I felt regarding grades and studies, is a safe haven, a place where people won't reject or condemn you from being from that high school - something which I've come across all too often when meeting people outside of my school. For the record, the schools which I've attended are among the top institutions in my country, which is why other people constantly scorn us. And I'm not flaunting the fact that we're good. On the contrary, I tend to hide the fact that I come from these schools (and that even worse, I come from an accelerated learning programme) and that I studied what I studied in university when I introduce myself to other people. They're often either intimidated or they do their best to belittle you, as though by your admission of what and where you studied, you're automatically looking down on them. The truth is: I may do that, from time to time, but I'm not sure if it's a product of coming from the schools I do or having faced others' scorn my whole life. It most likely is the latter, quite frankly. So, yesterday felt wonderful. I was with people, people who I felt I belonged with. And that felt so damn good.

That's why I loved being with my ex, as well as with other people not from my country when I was at university. It never ever felt like they were judging me and everything that I've ever done.

According to Jason Rentfrow and Sam Gosling of the University of Texas in their study The Do-Re-Mi's of Personality - What your music tastes say about you , you are what you hear. Apparently, your musical tastes can say a lot about your personal. For instance, those who enjoy listening to pop music tend to be more on the cheerful and confident side but usually have more conservative views. Heavy metal lovers tend to be inquisitive risk takers who are intelligent and physically active.

Natually, I was intrigued. I mean, I'm an avid music lover and I'm fond of many many different kinds of music, so could that sort of 'test' be accurate about a person like me? So I tried out the two psychologists' musical personality test just to see what it would say. And here are the results.

Are they accurate? Not quite. Especially not the part about reflection and complexity of an individual. According to them, because I'm not into classical, bluegrass and folk music, I'm not a deep person. Au contraire, I have had a lot of people telling me that I think far too much. Plus, I did study Philosophy. So chew on that, if you will. The rest are somewhat accurate, but then, with all personality tests, they're vague enough to be partially correct all of the time.

And while I do judge a person by the kind of music they enjoy listening to, I don't use it as a barometer of their personalities. Still, it was an interesting hypothesis.

I'm sure almost everyone I know knows that I love clubbing. It's kind of difficult for me to find girls who like to club, so when I do club, it's quite often just with guys. I don't mind that. What I do mind is that when I meet fellow clubbers - even those from the forum I frequent - they tend to assume that, hey she's just a girl. She's just here with her boyfriend. That basically, I'm treated like someone who's there purely as an accident of fate, who doesn't appreciate the music as much as they do, who doesn't even know the DJs. That the guys I'm with are the more happening people and that they're the ones who dragged me that. Or, as a fellow forum member put it, he met up with some guys from the forum, and proceeded to name them, and "a couple of gals whose names I didn't bother to remember."

Bollocks.

I was asked to respond to the question of what girls want in a guy. I, definitely, cannot answer for all girls. I can only hope, in some small way, to express my own heartfelt desire for what I want in a guy. And the qualities which I would dearly love in Mr. Right would be... a great sense of humour, a smile which can brighten up any day, someone who has his own interests and give me the space to pursue my own without my having to be with him 24-7 but yet, at the same time, still has time for, someone who can dance and isn't afraid to make a fool of himself. Most importantly, he'd have to be someone who understands why I'm so pathetically insecure depiste my many obvious gifts, someone who can cope with my sarcasm and teasing, someone who understands that I'm not comfortable with myself and that sometimes, I need to laugh, tease and deflect the topic of discussion away from me. I'd like that same someone to be intelligent, passionate and spontaneous. With his spontaneity, I fervently hope he'd bring me out of my shell. With his passion, I hope you'll ignite my own dormant feelings. With everything that you are, I'd remember that my life doesn't revolve just around my career - but also around love and friendship.

Ugh. Mushy crap. Eew. Must stop.

I'm trying to plan out my long-awaited vacation, which I've just confirmed will take place in late September. I don't know where to go. I'm currently thinking of New York or Germany, or even both. Maybe I could spend a week in New York and Berlin :) The only problem is that I don't know anyone who'll be in either of those places, or anyone I could travel with. I'm sure I'll be fine travelling by myself but at the same time, I'm tired of being alone. I used to be able to take it but now... I can't. I guess it must stem from my latchkey childhood. Too much alone time when young isn't good for you as you grow older, and less likely to meet new people.