I need to learn how to relax. I recall my guy best friend telling me that a few years ago, but have forgotten all about his advice until today, when after leaving work early, was still quite agitated about not having done as well as I ought to have a month ago. It seemed like I couldn't get over it and that I was just getting more and more stressed and starting to get convinced that all this stress would just cause me to suffer a breakdown soon. I just couldn't cut loose - and that's always been a problem for me. I managed to unwind a little by singing my way home, but not relax completely. It occurs to me that the only ways I've been unable to destress were when I went to the gym or when I came out of my Khai-bo or Hip Hop classes - activities I have no time for nowadays.

I love satire - these two sites provide some pretty good articles on current affairs The Brains Trust and The Onion.

1000 blank white cards sounds like a completely fascinating game to play at a party with lots of alcohol. I can hardly wait!

That game was found thanks to this great blog: How to learn Swedish in 1000 difficult lessons. I like the first word for January 22 - skitbra. Apparently, it means "shit-good, but in the best possible way." How quaint.

I've been flipping through this incredibly boring mystery novel set in Norway by the title of The Body in the Fjord by Katherine Hall Page, and in my incredibly cynical moments, I'm like, "How bl***y boring! No wonder their suicide rate is so high!"

Anyway, there was only one bit I found interesting and that was this anecdote about a sign in a Norweigian restaurant which went like this:

Consumption of alcohol is forbidden unless accompanied by fish. All food is considered fish, except sausages. If sausages are ordered, may God forbid, sausages can be called fish.

Ces Scandinaves sont un peu étrange, non?

According to various quizzes I have taken over the last half-hour, my inner European is a Parisian. C'est vrai, n'est-ce pas? I hardly think of myself as a sexy, seductive, flirty, classy chain-smoking person, but hey, at least I'm one on the inside...

The sign of affection that best represents me is holding hands as I "like to be in constant physical contact with [my] special someone but [I] don't want to take things too quickly." Which is true, incidentally.

And the beautiful mistress I am most like is the "Mistress of the Heavens. [I] look to the sky for answers, or, maybe [I] just like stars. Either way, [I'm] truthful, kind and sincere." Also true, I might add.

But then, these quizzes are all so vague that almost anything could fit me, I bet!

I hung out with an old friend yesterday night and this afternoon - after not having seen her for a couple of months, and prior to that, for three years. She's always been one of my favourite friends, with her sense of humour and fun, tempered with the ability to empathise with other people and her listening skills. We spent most of today catching up of sorts - comparing our experiences of middle school education and swapping gossip of mutual close friends. When we were in school together, she was actively involved with the Christian movement, and it was much to my surprise when we both admitted that we're kind of confused about our religious beliefs right now. At the same time, I did state that I find it so much easier to have something to believe in - even if I don't know if it's right - rather than not have anything at all to cling to. It's far easier to believe that there's Someone out there listening to and watching over me, rather than believe that there's no one Up There at all.

Another thing we covered was what made all of our high school friends so special. I said we all had the same weird sense of humour, and fortunately or unfortunately for me, I tend to look for that when making friends now. I look for someone who can get me without my having to explain why I tend to make sardonic comments about tragic events or that I use humour to escape from every possible awkward situation. I told her that in the three years of university, I hadn't come across any special people who I really connected with (don't get me wrong, I get along with everyone, but finding someone who becomes a damn good friend is difficult) until my third year, when I met the people in my dorm, who were all from different backgrounds, but ended up being among the most fantastic people I'd met during uni. Looking back on that conversation, it seems pretty sad that among all the people from the same country as I am, I couldn't find anyone at all who got me.

Part of my weekend de-stressing ritual includes catching up on the movie scene. This weekend, I've watched Tadpole and Bend it Like Beckham - both great funny movies.

Tadpole was delightful thanks to the quirky and apt quotations from Voltaire, as well as the wittiness of the script - especially the French bits. I'm rapidly becoming a fan of indie films shot in New York. New York just looks so pretty no matter the season. Aaron Stanford was very good as the male lead, Oscar Grubman. Highly impressive given that it was his acting debut.

Bend it Like Beckham reminded me of how much I miss London. I was rooting for Jess all the way, seeing as she was just having such a hard time pursuing her professional and romantic dreams, battling against the wishes of her parents and the traditions of her culture. It also contained a very cute guy as the male lead - Jonathan Rhys-Meyers - with his sharp face and intense eyes, anyone would swoon. I guess this movie played a much bigger role in de-stressing since I had myself a good cry - for... I don't know, the sadness of Jess's situation, how incredibly pressured I feel and how lonely I am - and that just made me feel so much better.

I had a nightmare last night and woke up at 5.30am, not daring to close my eyes because I was too scared to go to sleep. I SMS'd the ex - as he was the one most likely to be awake at the time - and flipped through three pages of Foxtrot just trying to take my mind off the bad dream. Finally, I just gritted my teeth, pulled the covers over my head and closed my eyes, trying to force myself to go to sleep seeing as I badly needed the rest. It was tough initially fighting against the remembered fear, but eventually I managed to go to bed.

One of the better ads that I've seen since I've returned home (and there are precious few) would be this ad where some local gangsters barge into this guy's home and ask, "Where is it?" The guy, in the middle of eating, looks up a little scared and says, "I don't know!" "Cut the crap; where is it?" says the gang leader. His face screwed up in concentration, the guy says, "I really don't know!!" The camera then pans around the room to reveal a place cluttered full of rubbish, with no floor space to be seen (which reminded me of my room in university, but thankfully, not my room now!). The screen then cuts to a sign that says "Looking for storage solutions? Come to Ikea."

But my favourite ad so far has got to be the Heineken ad for Christmas, where there're masses of people dancing in this building, with what looks to be a blizzard outside. The song that plays throughout the ad is "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow". We then pan up the building to see all the snow coming out of the top windows of the building, cutting inside to reveal a lot of people scrambling to shred all their documents and then frantically disposing of the resultant confetti out of the window. It then ends with "To all those who weren't naughty this year - happy holidays." Fantastic.

Just two days into the week and I'm already mega-stressed. I'm at a point where I feel like I just want to break down and cry - that's how stressed I feel. I have this really big urge to just call someone and talk, but when I reach out for the telephone, I just stare blankly at the dialpad. Who would I call? More importantly, what would I say? "Help me, I'm stressed?" Give me a break.

Moreover, the rational side of me says there're tonnes of other people out there who must be handling more things than I am, and yet managing it far better than I am. The other part of me just feels that... They're not me! Just because they can handle this doesn't mean I can! I just feel so overloaded and overwhelmed right now.

I just so need to talk to someone outside of work, but... I don't think anyone would understand everything I'm feeling right now. Feelings of inadequacy, helplessness, incompetence and insecurity all rolled into one tired-looking blob that goes by my name.

Everyone brought up in my generation was brought up to believe that the whole world could and would be ours if we just but asked. That all we needed to do was to work hard at our studies, get a job, and that's it - everything was possible. I just feel so disillusioned now seeing my career path for the next couple of years. It's not a bad job, but nowhere along that path do I see any of my dreams coming true. It just feels like every single day that I continue working just causes my dreams and hopes to die just that little bit more.

But, hopefully, that's just today. Maybe, just maybe, there're better things to come.

These next few weeks are going to be tough. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.

I am continuously amused by my predilection for buying sexy clothing (and underclothing). Three-quarters of the time, I don't get the chance to wear them (due to the work dress code), and the other quarter? I don't dare to wear them. I'm convinced that all of my revealing clothing just accentuates my flaws. As for my sexy lingerie? Quite frankly, no one's ever going to get the chance to see them, so I don't know why I still want to spend money on them!

While watching the rest of You've Got Mail, I had to explain to my father everything that was happening in the movie - something that tends to irritate the heck out of me 'cos I'm one of those people who prefer others to watch to figure out what's happening rather than keep asking me all the time. Anyway, I was recounting to him the first time I had watched the movie in the cineme. At that time, there was a contest being held and one of the questions, contests being what they are, was "What is the name of the movie you are about to see?" And the answer the apparently clueless man gave? "You've Got E-mail." Priceless. I couldn't stop laughing for some time.

You wouldn't be faulted for assuming You've Got Mail is one of my favourite movies. It's not. Not even among my top ten. The soundtrack isn't too bad with classics such as The Puppy Song and I Guess The Lord Must Be In New York City, but the movie, on the whole, isn't very strong. What I do like, is the narration of the missives that are sent between the leading characters. I do like stream of consciousness, being able to see into the thoughts of the people, being able to see how they think. It gives me hope that I'm not the only illogical person around.

I guess, in a continuation of the night before, I just had to wake up in the middle of the night, filled with desire, frustration and a whole lot of guilt.

I haven't told anyone this but I'm dreading the day I get married. I'm terrified of what the wedding night will hold. I guess terrified is too strong a word, but I am a little apprehensive. I just feel like it's so much easier to not have to worry so much about how you can be a good Catholic and still be... human at the same time.

I guess that's why I prefer throwing myself into work and my hobbies, rather than let myself get involved with other people. Relationships are not my strong point. I tend to get too involved, and as a result, get hurt far too easily. I'd rather be by myself suffer from loneliness than be with someone and still suffer from loneliness.

*laughs* Go me!




I'm the badass burgundy patent Doc Marten...
I'm cool as hell, I'm deep,
and maybe a little dark

Which Doc Marten are you?
(by *coffeebean*)

Some days I wake up from a sleep filled with confusing thoughts and dreams. Today was one of them. Waking up from 45 minutes of sleep filled with dreams of desire, I found myself reaching out for a non-existent... person? Thing? It wasn't a great start to the day as assorted parts of me were aching - my head from the short amount of sleep I had gotten (or maybe having gotten too much sleep - I don't know since I had fallen back asleep after my alarm had gone off) and other parts of me from, let's just say, not being satisfied.

I've just finished watching the first half of Unfaithful and I have got to say while Olivier Martinez isn't especially hot in real life, he is smokin' in the movie. He's got shoulder-length black hair, he speaks with a sexy French accent, he likes poetry and he acts on impulse, rather than thinking things through (why the last is a turn-on is because I tend to think everything through rather than actually do anything). Man, can he seduce! That scene when he's taking off her coat and strokes her neck was such a turn-on (Now that I think about it, I found the scene in Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain where Mathieu Kassovitz is touching Audrey Tautou's neck and going "wooooo..." in her ear during the ride through the haunted house just as... arousing. Yes, I know, another sexy Frenchman. Yum.).

Diane Lane's acting was fantastic - especially the much-talked about scene when she's riding home on the train, feeling both the guilt of having cheated on her husband and the sheer-ecstasy of a fantastic, shall we say, session between the sheets. One moment laughing, the next moment crying, at some moments doing both, clearly wracked by guilt but not quite regret. Awesome.

Needless to say, the sex scenes weren't too bad. Not too explicit (I know some viewers have complained that they weren't explicit enough but really, I prefer subtlety), filled with passion, spontaneity and unpredictability. On the whole, rather erotic.

And I've read some comments that it's never quite explained why she cheats on her husband, especially since their marriage is a happy one, and she has a kid. As I am currently in a frame of mind that isn't quite like my usual rational one, I just feel that sometimes it doesn't have to be explained. Sometimes, you just want to do something, consequences be damned. You can have all the things in the world you could ever want, but when something or someone disrupts your equilibrium, maybe, just maybe, you'll end up doing something that doesn't fit with your life, your character. And yes, you could end up risking everything for no reason at all. It's stupid, it's reckless and it goes completely against common sense, but whoever said everything had to make sense?

Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life - The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam

Ha ha ha! Guys, take note! Never ever ever do this!

One of those "You had to be there" moments:

A: You know B played the trombone in his high school band? You should get him to show you his blowing and sucking, not to mention his pulling.
B: Do you want me to blow you?
A: Maybe if you were the last guy on earth and then, I'd have to give you my answer.
B: Just make sure there's a trombone.

It doesn't look at all funny when transcribed but the incongruity of the last statement just sent me rolling onto the floor in laughter. Incudentally, yes, both are male.

You know what was weird?

I've had a really long day today with my throbbing near-headache becoming a real headache so I opted to go back at the time I knocked off rather than stay back and finish up or do extra work like I usually do.

Despite all that, while walking home, I actually really believed in myself - in everything I'm supposed to be capable of doing. Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely hate being told that I have potential. To me, potential doesn't mean anything. All it indicates is that you're an underachiever, a failure. And all my life, I've been told that I have the "potential to do better." Of course I know I have the potential. There's got to be something in me that made me able to get into all the educational institutions I've been through... right?

On another note, another one of my friends is getting married. I am astounded. I mean, we're so young, and I, personally, don't see marriage as any part of my plan for the next ten years at least. At the same time, I do feel really envious. To meet someone you love enough that you want to spend the rest of your life together? Call me traditional and conservative if you will, but that sounds very good to me. To have someone who you can share all your problems with, and conversely help share the problems of... to have someone to hug you at the end of every difficult day... to have someone to really really believe in you. That would be the most wonderful thing I could think of right now.

What happened to my usual cynicism?

I can't believe how many times I've edited and re-edited the two music posts! It's just so me. I always have to erase certain words, rephrase some sentences, change the style of the post or just want to add new stuff. It's a perfectionist streak in me which I wish was present in everything I did, not just during my pursuits of leisure.

I had a nice surprise today. Aside from the things I had requested for (loads of Lush products), my parents also bought me some clothes from Mango, and some new handbags. I also was given two new pairs of shoes, a nice bracelet from Camden, and a watch.

Looking through all of those, I'm happy - but at the same time just longing for London. My spending power may be less over there, but there's more to buy.

Incidentally, they also got me a paper bag which said "If you don't need it, don't buy it" and I was like, "what a horrible philosophy!"

What a long way I've come from being the stingy miserly person that I was prior to leaving home...

I realised that my favourite songs are very specifically tailored to a certain mood.

Like how when I'm very stressed, I listen to Underworld's Born Slippy, U2's With or Without You and Radiohead's Street Spirit.

When I'm angry and need to work off a lot of emotion, then it's Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit, Linkin Park's In the End and Crawlin', Smashing Pumpkin's Bullet with Butterfly Wings and most definitely, Godsmack's Whatever.

When I'm lonely, it's Expose's I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me), Sarah McLachlan's Angel, Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and the two break-up classics, Everything but the Girl's I Don't Want To Talk About It and Sinead O'Connor's Nothing Compares to You.

The songs I'd choose for my significant other would be:

Selena - Dreaming of You

Vonda Sheperd - I Only Want To Be With You

Dan Fogelberg - Longer

Extreme - More than Words

The Bangles - Eternal Flame

Roxette - Almost Unreal

Shawn Colvin - Never Saw Blue Like That

- Gentle, sweet melody. Simple piano playing and fantastic lyrics that capture how the feeling of being in love is like. It also helps that my favourite colour is blue.

Aerosmith - I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight, Tonight

They may be the same songs that I've chosen for all of the special people in my life, but the emotion and intent is still there.

And the list of songs which I'm a little hesitant to put online would be my... mood music. I've never had a chance to use it but if you must know, the songs which I would most like to hear when setting the atmosphere would be...

Matchbox 20 - 3 a.m.

U2 - With or Without You - A powerfully emotive song; it just really gets me.

Paula Cole - Feelin' Love - A very sensual and erotic song. Just take a look at the lyrics.

Meredith Brooks - What Would Happen... - Very sexy. "What would happen if we kissed? Would your tongue slip past my lips? Would you run away?" 'Nuff said.

Santana feat. Rob Thomas - Smooth - Rob Thomas has an amazingly sexy voice, and Santana has the most incredibly sexy guitar style.

Chicane feat. Marie Brennan - Saltwater - Very atmospheric. Starts off soft, then builds up to be very sensual and atmospheric.

Delerium feat. Sarah McLachlan - Silence - A tune in the same vein as the above-listed one.

Godsmack - Voodoo (a definite!) - This is a very primal song. With the tribal drum beat and hypnotic bassline, it stirs the primitive instincts in me. Rrrrrowl.

Basement Jaxx - Get Me Off - Well duh. Basement Jaxx come up with really good songs that just call out to the primal savage in you.

These next songs are more for after the deed's been done and you're relaxing:

Sneaker Pimps - Six Underground - Very smooth and subtle.

Mazzy Star - Fade Into You - As mentioned in an earlier post, good for easing into gentle intimacy, or for after the fact.

Faithless - Don't Leave - A sweet, gentle song.

*Giggles* It's such a silly list. I'll never get the chance to use this, and it's not as if I'll just whip out these songs when it looks like something is going to happen and put them on... I wonder why I ever have such a list? *sighs* Wish I could use this though... it would be awesome, to say the least. But, unfortunately, these would probably only work on someone with the same tastes as I have, and my tastes are pretty eclectic.

I've got a whole list of music for the more common types of moods that I tend to get into. I'll start off with my list of "happy" music - i.e. music I listen to when I'm trying to cheer myself up.

1. Guns 'n' Roses - Sweet Child of Mine
2. Savage Garden - Affirmation
3. Uncle Kracker - Follow Me
4. Sasha - Xpander
5. Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl
6. Bobby Darin - Beyond the Sea
7. Dixie Chicks - You Can't Hurry Love
8. Smash Mouth - All Star

"Maybe you don't get over break-ups, you just learn to live with them."

"The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back."

- Felicity (Season 2: Episode 3 - Ancient History)

I spent over three hours on the phone last night talking with a friend from London - or more specifically, the friend from London. I am so not looking foward to seeing my phone bill at the end of this month! I ended up sleeping at 6.30 am. I woke up this morning after four hours of sleep feeling horribly due to the immense lack of sleep quite obviously.

Still, the chat was very nice. Helped to reconnect with one of my best friends.

I was initially a little reluctant to talk on the phone. I was scared about the possible effects it would have on me. After all, one of the reasons I've managed to move on relatively quickly is because I haven't seen him or spoken to him in such a long time. ICQ is fine - it doesn't have that much of an effect on me, but actually hearing his voice... that's a whole 'nother ball game. Not to mention the main reason why I was so attracted to him in the first place was how we seemed to connect so well - and that's something that stands true no matter where in the world we both are. Given that, a late night long conversation isn't exactly one of the safest things I could subject myself to...

But I'm glad we spoke. It was a great way to start 2003.

Mazzy Star's Fade Into You is one of the best songs I've ever listened to. It really stays with you.

The song, to some extent, is about each of us yearning to find our answers in someone else and being disappointed and troubled that we cannot.

It's the perfect song to listen to if you're (or want to be) depressed. It's also a really good song for being gently intimate with someone. I think you'll get what I mean when you listen to it.

Fade Into You
Album: So Tonight That I Might See

I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there.

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew

A stranger's light comes on slowly
A stranger's heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
I think it's strange you never knew

Sometimes I feel like I really need something to hold on to... to keep me going.

I wish I knew what that something is.

New Year's Resolutions - I'll come up with more, but these will have to do.

1. Remember to do the things that make me happy.
2. Do the best job that I can in everything that I do.
3. Be more considerate of other people but not to let them take advantage of me.
4. Be more assertive.
5. Remember my dreams.

I have something to confess: I like things a little rough.

I like to wrestle, and I like when the other party's a little forceful. I like the feeling when you're (not painfully) slammed against the wall before being passionately kissed. I also like the feeling when you're pinned beneath the other person after you've been trying like hell to get away.

Of course, this only applies to people I'm attracted to.

This isn't something I've ever mentioned to anyone - not even my then-boyfriends. It's just not something that I feel fits in with the kind of person that I usually am. Also, it's not something I feel my then-partner expects - or would even welcome.

All right, I think I've gotten over my Aragorn-infatuation. Hah! Not. I'd see The Two Towers again in a heartbeat. Incidentally, I knew I recognised the music from TTT trailer; it's the overture from Requeim for a Dream by Clint Mansell! It may not be in the main LotR soundtrack, but man, does it fit the trailer so well.

On to other media thingies. Felicity has some pretty good actors - Keri Russell (Felicity) and Scott Speedman (Ben). There was a scene in the episode I was watching (Season 4: The Fire) when Felicity and Ben are talking to each other on the phone. In that scene, the two, who recently broke up with each other, showed in their body language and facial expressions incredibly clearly that they're still in love with each other. There was a lot unsaid during the telephone conversation and you can just see in their faces that they're wondering, "Should I have said something more?" Excellent acting on their parts.